Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Stepping Out of My Box

2009-05-31T22:00:00.006-04:00

OK, Since the river jumping incident I decided I needed to know for sure if my pupperoni could swim. I know, call me an over protective "Mom" but it will just set my mind at ease to know that he can swim or at least hold his own in the water. After all he is just a small pup. Maxx had more going for him. He was a black lab and was 77 lbs. Davinci is Cairn Terrier/Shit Zu/Lhasa Ahas/toy poodle mix and only 19 lbs.

I took him to Winter Green Park. The water was actually warm and there was swarms of people out. He was excited to be there (Surprise Surprise) but it took a little coxing to get him into the water at least water that was deep enough for him to swim in. I'm not sure if it was the sound of the rushing water but he seemed weary of getting into the water. I didn't wear my swim suit so I couldn't take him into the deep waters where I could swim and wade in. I was only up into my thighs (which I ended up getting my jean shorts wet anyway).

I didn't stay too long he looked like he had about enough of the swimming. Heading on the way out there was another dog there that caught Davinci's eye. Suddenly he loves being in the water! LOL

We came home for a bit to relax and take a nap. It was still early and I didn't want to just stay in the house so I thought maybe the waters up at Caroga Lake would be calmer for him. So up the mountain he went. It was a decent day, but of course in Caroga the temp is a tad bit cooler. It was the perfect time to go there. Since it was around 4:30 in the afternoon most people were packing it up from the lake and heading back home. I thought the perfect spot would be at Sherman's Park (http://carogalake.com/images/activitiesImages/shermansParkAlbum/shermans-park-images.html)

The water was cooler than at winter green park so we didn't stay in as long but I sat along the bank of the water as Davinci played in the grass and that is when we had our first run in. From nowhere this guy appeared. He was friendly and just said a few words in passing. He said he has never been back there before and how he liked it, it was really beautiful. I agreed and that was that. He went about his way and I took Davinci around the grounds. We headed to the other side of the park by the beach. I love the feel of the sand between my toes and the sun glistening off the water.

Davinci was playing in the sand when I saw him walking over our way. It was that guy again. I'm not sure how it all started but I'm sure it had to evolve around my dog. But we got into a really good conversation. I found out he was originally from Detroit, moved to FL. A few years ago he lived up our way for a while working as the manager for the "Funny Farm" comedy club in Gloversville. He was in the Marines, does some DJ'ing and just recently broke up with his GF in FL which is why he finds himself in Caraoga Lake. He said he needed to get away from the situation and liked it up here. He has a few friends around the area so he headed here. He is staying in his trailer/camper and plans to stay for the summer at least September or October. We exchanged a few stories about ourselves before we even exchanged our names. We must have talked for about an hour and a half. Seems like we had a few similarities in our lives with relationships and how we feel about certain things. Before we made our separate ways he invited me to come up and hang out any time. When I told him I don't usually come up there often he told me now I have a reason to. Then he told me where I could find him and said that he will be very upset if I come up and don't stop to see him.

He thanked me for helping him waste the time away and said that Davinci was also welcome to join me when I come up again his place is dog friendly!

Im usually a shy person so for me to meet new people on my own without introductions from other friends is difficult. I stepped out of the box and made a new friend.

A Jump in the River

2009-05-29T11:01:00.002-04:00

I got Davinci when he was only 9 weeks old and it was the beginning of January 2009.
I know a horrible time to get a new puppy. It wasn't easy potty training because I didn't want to go outside in the freezing cold weather so what would make me think a tiny 4 lb puppy would want to.

But we managed to get through the rough weather but since it was middle of winter there was no way of me knowing whether or not this dog could swim. Maxx was a black lab so it was in his blood to swim and enjoy the water.

Now that the nicer weather has arrived I've been curious to know if this pooch of mine is a swimmer. It would be nice on outings to the lake or swimming in the pool for the both of us.
Memorial Day Weekend we happened to be down by the marina and walked out on the dock by the boat launch. Looking out at the murky waters of the Mohawk River, he gave me no sign that he was about to do the unthinkable.

Davinci looked out at the waters (Still attached to his leash) and without warning he jumped right into the river!!!

I freaked, only because at this time I had no clue if he could swim. I saw him go under at least once. I want to say it was twice but now I'm not 100% sure because like I said I was freaking. All I could think was that he was only a small puppy and that either he will drown going under the dock or be swept out into the river.

When I reached down I grabbed him by his collar and pulled him back up onto the docks.

The little shit acted like nothing happened at all. He shook off and wanted to head back to land with the same smile and bound to his step prior to him jumping in the first place.

What's Going On?

2009-05-07T08:11:00.002-04:00

Where to start...... A lot is happening but at the same time not much is going on.

I know that doesn't make sense. How can things being happening but yet nothing going on.

Let me explain. In the past month or two I've been dealing with tyring to get my car fixed up. First it was the Filler neck to my fuel tank, then I find out my fuel filter was leaking gas. Along with that I had to replace my break and rotors. I still have to get my muffler and exhaust fixed.
So there was a big chunk of change I had to pay for my car to get fixed and I'm still not finished. I also have to get my bike inspected, oil changed and my forks fixed so I can ride that this summer to help save on the wear and tear of my car plus save on gas.

Davinci has been keeping me busy and preoccupied. Definitely like having a child. Constant taking care of and nurturing.

Now this week is Springfest in St Johnsville. Normally it's no big deal to me and it still isn't but I've decided to clean house and try to get rid of some things while making some money. So I'm having a porch sale. Tonight I have to get more stuff together and priced. I hope most of is sells! If not when we have the village trash day pick up it is all going!

I've started to go step aerobics classes every Monday and Tuesday nights. So that takes care of two nights right there. By the time I get home, take care of Davinci, shower then relax I'm out like a light by 8-9 pm.

With the nicer weather approaching I've started to get some yard work done, slowly but surely.

So I've been busy with little things in my every day life.

As for the nothing going on part -- I haven't went anywhere or done anything worth reporting about. No trips, no vacations nothing except for the Music as a Weapons concert tour I been to the other week in Glens Falls.

I just don't feel like going out. I guess I'm going through one of those phases. It happens. I guess I can say I'm at a different stage of my life now. I don't want to deal with the drama and chaos of all the crap that is out there. I'm happy just to stay home and relax. Enjoy the fruits of my labor at home. Go shopping when I can. Play with my puppy and just hang out at home.

I'm comfortable and happy there.

I wouldn't mind traveling a bit if I had the money. I'd love to go back to the ocean yet again.
Hell I would move there if I could!

Whats Up Doc?

2009-03-16T12:30:00.005-04:00

Howdy Peeps!

I know I've said this before and I re-iterate "Im Sorry" for not writing and keeping you all informed.

I hate the winter and it makes me feel blah.

So now I have to catch you up on all that has been happening.

I believe the last I write my dearest Maxwell, of 14 years, unsuspectingly passed away.

I seemed to have muddled through the holidays without him but missed having him to take care of and love.

I started looking for a small breed puppy. My ideal was a Yorkshire terrier but everything one I found was so expensive and more than what I could afford or was willing to pay.

After a week or two of looking through want ads, and pennysavers and even craigs list I ran across an ad for designer puppies.

What the heck is a designer puppy???

Basically it is a mutt. In this case the mother was a cairn terrier/beagle mix and the father was a Shit-zu/Lhasa Apsa/toy poodle mix. will be between 15-20 lbs when grown.

I went up January 8th to look at them and I feel in love!

He had such a fuzzy face and was so playful.

His name is DaVinci. Born November 9th, 2008

He was just 9 weeks old in this picture. How could I resist!

So the house breaking began again. At first it was like hell. He never pooped int he house but he seems to piss everytime. I thought he would never get it. But then after a couple of weeks he was getting better and in about a months time he was pretty much housebroken.

Its been a at least two weeks since he has made a mistake in the house so Im keeping my fingers crossed. He is still just a pup. Now 4 months old.

I have more to tell but not the time so until next time.

Happy St Patricks Day!

It's So Hard to Say Good Bye

2008-12-09T10:25:00.007-05:00

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my oldest dearest friend and companion.

My dog, Maxx, of 14 good long years past away.

It came about rather quickly. I have to say I truly wasn't ready to say good bye.

He had been slightly ill the past few days. Throwing up here and there. I called the vet and they had told me not to feed him for 24 hours. IF after the 24 hours I feed him and he still throws up to call them back and bring him in.

So I did as instructed. When I fed him he seemed to have kept it down. But I noticed he had been straining when when he went tot he bathroom. Saturday morning i called the vet again and told them what was going on. They told me to give him some milk that should help with the constipation. If by Monday he wasn't doing better to call them back.

Saturday afternoon he was doing much better. Going to the bathroom. Not straining. But by evening I noticed he hadn't been eating much. Sunday he seemed fine. We went for a few walks and he seemed stiff. But it was really cold and because he has been sick I wasn't giving him his previcox to help with this arthritis.

By 8pm he seemed to have went down hill fast. He could barely walk. Floundering around struggling to get up on his feet, falling repeatedly. I made him comfortable on his pillow and layed next to him; petting him, hugging him, massaging his legs.

Around 2:30 am I her him trying to get up again floundering so I woke up and helped him stand.

It wasn't good and I knew I was going to be taking him to the vet.
He took a drink and I helped him back to his pillow.
An hour later I woke up to the sound of him floundering yet again. This time I smelled something. He has went bathroom on his pillow and was trying to get away. I told him it was already that I would clean it. I knew something was really wrong as I started to clean his mess up. I kissed him and petted him and told him I loved him and that I would get him help soon.

I jumped in the shower at 4am to get ready and have him ready by 7 am to head straight to the vet. While in the shower I lost it completely. Uncontrollable crying. I knew I was going to h ave to have him put down. I just couldn't stop crying. I was only in the shower for 15-20 minutes when I got out I went to check on him. I knew right away that he had passed on. He was laying there. He looked peaceful and calm. I lost it. I called for Paul. He jumped out of his bed and came right away. I sat on the floor holding Maxx, Petting him , Kissing his snout and crying.

My heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces. We had been together for 14 years. HE has been by my side through thick and thin. He was there when I was sad and upset, hurt, happy. He loved me unconditionally no matter what. No matter how much I bitched at him or about him he still gave me all his love.

I feel so empty now, So lost.

I fell asleep on the couch for a bit last night and when I woke up my first thought was that I had to take Maxx out only to realize after that there was no Maxx.

I know I will get through this. As time goes on it will get easier and better. He will be forever in my heart and never forgotten.

Maxx - May 1994

Maxx - Dec 2008

Forever In My Heart

If you're thinking about Suicide..... Read This First

2008-10-05T07:40:00.005-04:00

Is it really THAT bad?

We've ALL been there.

We've all had the thought running through out minds.

Being sick of it all, down, depressed, hating life, hating our own life, feeling so miserable that you just want to end it all.

I've been there myself a few times. But everyone is different.

The last thing you want to hear from someone is that "everything will be fine"

You are in the deepest darkest place right now and when they say that it means nothing.

Some may even get angry or upset with you. That is normal too. They aren't in the place where you are. They are afraid for you, for them. They just don't understand.

When I was younger death was something I just never had to deal with but as I grow older is seems more and more common. Accidents, Health, Age, and unfortunately suicide.

I may have been one of those who would have gotten angry and said it is a cop out. This will get better. I still feel that way. Because I know things DO get better. But I found this website and it opened my eyes a bit as to possibly where and why these people do what they do. And even though we may all have, at one point, had those suicidal feelings we still had a glimmer of hope somewhere in us to continue on and live.

I couldn't imagine feeling so desperate and hopeless that I didn't even have that sliver of a feeling of wanting to live. Having that question of do I really want to end my life? is it really that bad? Snuffed right out of me.

The reason why I have written this blog is because one of the pressmen from where I work killed himself Saturday. I didn't know him well at all. He had only been working there a few months. He was young, good looking, seemed to be nice. But that shows you that anyone can have these thoughts.

Please check out this site out

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

I hope this blog finds people really need it or could help someone who might need it. That alone makes me feel better.

Shhhh Im Hunting Rabbit!

2008-10-02T02:58:00.003-04:00

I've had my two dwarf bunnies for about two months now.

So far they share the same cage. I'm not sure if they are the same sex or not. I've tried looking and I'm just not sure. I'm afraid I'll hurt them plus they get very impatient with me when I try to figure out what they are.

I don't blame them, I mean after all, I wouldn't like someone poking and prodding and starring at my genital area trying to figure out just what the hell I am.

Anyway, I either have to get another cage so they each have their own to give them more room or I need to buy or build another bigger cage for them to share. In the mean time every night when I get home from work I let them run about the house for a while to give them exercise and add a little excitement to their day. They do tend to get bored sitting in a cage all day (wouldn't you?)

They just love it. They bounce around chasing each other or the cat. They explore everything. I shut off certain rooms so I can keep an eye on them from time to time, making sure they don't get into trouble.

Normally their cage sits out in my kitchen on my dryer. But last night I decided to bring it in the other room and place it on the floor. I opened the door and let then out. Normally I put their harness and lead on. I do this because it is easier for me to catch them when I am ready to place them back in their cage. But again, tonight I just decided to let them roam free without any harness.

As I watched them first they hopped out. Jitter bug hopped back in the cage sniffed around then hopped back out. It was interesting because for a while they would hop around then go back to the cage. They were out for quiet some time last night. I sat down in front of the cage and just waited for them to come by. Jitterbug was the easier to catch. I would think he wouldn't be because when I first brought them home he was all antsy and jittery thus the name Jitterbug.

Now Velveteen was a tad bit more challenging. I had some of their timothy hay in a shoe box and when I shook the box it seemed to catch their attention and curiosity, which brought them over to see what I had to feed them. I had to be quicker with Velveteen but after a couple attempts I managed to get him back into the cage.

I decided to keep the cage on the floor for now.

The rest of the evening went quietly until 2am.

I suddenly heard this ruckus. Sounded like a chase of some sort. Lots of running back and fourth. At first I thought Salem (my cat) was playing. Then I thought maybe it had caught something. But what??? Then it dawned on me..... OH SHIT!!!

What if ........

I jumped up quickly and turned on the light. There was only one rabbit in the cage!

The door was still closed and hinged so how the hell did it get out!

For a brief second I had the stupidest thought run through my head (Hey I was half asleep) But I had a quick thought of Oh No Jitterbug ate Velveteen! LOL

It passed quickly.

Velveteen so no where to be seen. But Salem looked like she had just chased something across the room. I have this empty chest box sitting by the window. It has no back to it so I check inside and there was Velveteen.

I grabbed him and boy was he feisty!

I sat down in front of the cage to try and figure out how he managed to get out. They only way I could think was that he pushed the feeder out enough for him to slip out.

He is smaller than Jitterbug so it could be possible and since the cage was on the floor he was more daring.

Needless to say I put the cage back on top of my dryer.

quiet the eventful evening!

My Destiny Number is 7

2008-10-02T02:44:00.006-04:00

I found this kind of cool and interesting so I am posting it for all of you to checkout.

The Numerology of Names
By: Amanda Coggin

There is a reason why you have your name and it’s not because it sounded classy in the gossip pages of the New York Post (which is where my mom found my name). Your birth name paired with numerology can enlighten you on what motivates you in life, what warrants your true expression, and the lasting impression you leave on others when you exit a room.

It started with Pythagoras, the Greek mathematician who invented the a2 + b2 = c2 Pythagorean Theorem, the only equation I remember from eleventh grade geometry. In 6th century BCE, Pythagoras combined mysticism with mathematics to construct a quotient about the future of one’s life. He coined it Pythagorean numerology and used numbers assigned to the letters in one’s full name (as well as using the numbers in one’s date of birth). The numerology determined what innate abilities one was given at birth to determine what might happen late in life, and it has become the source for modern numerology today.

How Numerology Works
When working with a name, numbers have corresponding letters. The numbers are added up and broken down into single digits in order to give you your final Destiny Number.

The Number Assignments
1= A, J, S
2= B, K, T
3= C, L, U
4= D, M, V
5= E, N, W
6= F, O, X
7= G, P, Y
8= H, Q, Z
9= I, R

How to Find Your Destiny Number

Write down your full name (first, middle, and last). This is the name you were given at birth—not your married name, etc.
Using the table above, write down the number matched to each letter in each name (i.e. AMANDA = 1, 4, 1, 5, 4, 1).

Add the numbers together for each name (i.e. 1+4+1+5+4+1= 16).
You will most likely get a double digit for each name; break down each double digit number you get by adding the first and second digit to get one number (i.e. from the 16 above, add together 1+6 to get 7, which is the number for my first name).

Add up the final numbers you get from each name (i.e. my middle name number is 8 and my last name number is 10, so 7+8+10 = 25).
Once again, break down any double-digit numbers into one digit to get your final Destiny Number (i.e. from the 25 above, add together 2+5 to get 7, which is my final Destiny Number).

In numerology, the basic vibrations are numbers 1 through 9, but the numbers 11 and 22 are master numbers and should not be reduced to a single digit since these are master vibrations.

There are plenty of books and Web sites that will give you a thorough analysis of your Destiny Number, but here’s a basic rundown on what your Destiny Number means for you:

1 is determined, autonomous, and self-reliant

2 is loyal, tactful, and analytical

3 is passionate, positive, and fun-loving

4 is sensible, traditional, and serious

5 is bold, temperamental, and sensual

6 is responsible, cautious, and domestic

7 is spiritual, unconventional, and somewhat reclusive

8 is money-oriented, assured, and authoritative

9 is versatile, compassionate, and worldly

11 is enlightened, deep, and high-strung

22 is ambitious, a global planner, and motivated

I looked further into my 7, and found this interpretation through About Numerology.

“A Destiny number of 7 means you will find fulfillment through teaching others. By pursuing an ongoing quest for knowledge and then sharing your findings with your fellow man ... be it through teaching, writing or some other means ... you will bring joy into your own life. By following your destiny, your life should be an interesting life, one full of the exploration of science, mysteries, the occult, or other fascinating fields.”

Unspoken

2008-09-12T15:57:00.002-04:00

Our eyes met
There was a spark
No words spoken
Just a smile

Would we get to speak?
Get to Meet?
On this day, No

There will be another
A reassuring Nod
Another half crooked smile
As our lives parted
As the crowd gathered round
And swept us each our our separate way

Play on Words

2008-09-11T15:55:00.004-04:00

Tammy, Rich, Rachel, Debbie and I were out on our three o'clock break we were soaking up the warmth and enjoying the rays of the afternoon sun.

It seemed to be a quiet afternoon, work wise, so there wasn't much going on.

Not sure how the discussion started but somehow it was mentioned about trading sec for carpentry. The guy Tammy has been seeing is a carpenter and has helped out a lot around the apartment building. As a matter of fact, he will be installing my new bathroom tub surround this weekend.

So I am assuming that it was said that Tammy would give sexual favors for Rob's handy work.

At which point I joined the conversation and mentioned that I "Got Off Easy" at which point everyone just lost it. Now you can see where every ones mind must have been this afternoon.

Rich just kind of looked over at me and I just smiled and said you have no clue (with a smirk on my face)

The conversation when on a bit when Tammy suddenly blurted out how Rob would be working on her " Back Door" at which time we ALL lost it AGAIN!

YES, Our Minds Were TOTALLY in the GUTTER!

You really just had to be there to get the full true effect of the conversation but it was one that kept up giggling as the play on words just keep popping back into our minds.

You just never know how or where our break conversations will lead us!

Kick and Run, Did You Get the License Plate of That Buggy???

2008-08-28T12:08:00.004-04:00

This is too unbelievable for me to not blog about.

Yesterday I was heading back to work from lunch on my motorcycle.

I was at the light by Stewart's in Fort Plain I had the right of way because I was going straight through. Coming in the opposite direction I saw an Amish horse and buggy.

First of all they don't have blinkers so there is no telling in what direction they were going to take but even still I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY!

I just got under the traffic light when from the corner of my left eye I see this Huge horse towering practically over me. I then saw the horses left hoof up in the air. I cringed and thought Oh Shit!

The next split second I felt excruciating pain in my leg. I wasn't sure what exactly happened. All I knew is that I couldn't go on any further. I some how made it to the side of the road. I was screaming, crying and swearing up a storm. I needed to get my bike kick stand down and in neutral gear so I could get the hell off the bike without it falling.

This task was near impossible because it seriously felt like my leg and foot had been blow off.
I quickly two wayed Paul to let him know I got kicked by an Amish horse going through the light. I was almost incomprehensible. He immediately called 911 and when I got back to him he asked where I was I told him next to Stewart's.

I then managed to get off my bike to sit on the curbside to check out what happened and at the same time I called Donna at work to let her know I might be a tad bit late coming back. All through streaming sobs and tears.

By this time the Local cop showed up and came over to see what had happened.
I explained the whole thing to him and he was just blown away. He kept asking if I fell off the bike or if the bike was dropped in any way.

Thankfully no, because If I had stopped right there I would have been more seriously injured because the horse would have landed on me.

The paramedics showed up and asked what happened, which I went through the amazing details again. They took my shoe and sock off seeing that my toes had swollen and gave me an ice back for my leg. (That was the first thing I felt was hurting badly was my leg)

There was a humongous lump on the side of my leg which hurt to touch and felt so hard. My toes looked swollen and bruised. I was hoping that is was just a really bad strain.

They kept asking me if I wanted to go to the Hospital. I have no insurance now and I said I couldn't afford it.

No one could believe what had happened. This was a first. Not only that but the Amish never stopped to check and see if I was hurt or not. I have no clue if they just didn't see me or if they thought nothing happened.

I decided to have Paul take me to the ER because I couldn't even stand on my leg or foot.

Once at the ER the Registering Nurser ask what had happened after they wheeled me in and I told her "I got kicked by an Amish horse while heading back to work on my motorcycle"

The look on her face was priceless. She must have thought I was joking. When she asked if I could walk on it and I shook my head No and had the look of "Are You Fucking Crazy!" on my face.

A few people in the waiting room heard what had happened and questioned me and was talking to me how unbelievable that is. I was the talk of the day. I even got the award for most unique accident of the day at the ER . LOL

After all the questioning and poking and prodding they took be for Xrays. When the doctor walked back in she said you have a broken toe!

Some major bruising but nothing else looked broken just my Big Toe.

36 years with out any broken bones and not because of a stupid horse my toe is broken!

Not much I can do but to stay off it as much as possible, keep it elevated and iced. Doc said it would be about a week or two before it is healed.

If it doesn't heal correctly then I will have to see a podiatrist (cant afford that)

So that is my amazing tale for this weeks blog. I think this makes up for all the voided non blogging time lately.

I'll keep you all posted!

Lost to the Outside World!

2008-08-22T08:39:00.006-04:00

For anyone who knows me, my cellphone is like air to me. I need it and without it I will die.
(a slight over exaggeration but it paints a good picture)

I do not have a regular land line so this is my only source of communication for me to get a hold of others and for them to get a hold of me.

What happened you ask? Where is this leading to?

Well I lost my cell. I'm not exactly sure where I lost it. It is somewhere from Rotterdam mall and Amsterdam Wal-mart.

I realized I didn't have it when I got into Wally World but I just thought I left it in the car. Once we got back to my car it wasn't in visible sight so I had Paul two way it so I could locate it. Once I didn't hear the beeps from the two way my heart immediately sank. I got a sick feeling to my stomach and that lump in your throat when all you want to do is cry.

I ran back into Wal-mart to see if anyone has found a cell phone and they said no not yet.
By the time I got back out to my car Paul was still two waying my phone and it sounded like someone was trying to two way back but didn't know how. We told them h ow to use it and if they found my phone. At this time all we heard int he background was loud music.

Panic now overcame me because now I know someone has my phone. All my numbers my pictures, my music my messages. Little bastards! I grabbed Paul's cell and told them if they don't say anything I will have the phone shut off and they wont be able to use it anyway.

Still nothing. So I called Nextel immediately. They restricted my phone so no calls could come in or out, no two waying, no nothing.

Now I had to get another phone. I Need a phone I didn't care what it was. Even if it was a shitty phone I didn't like I just needed one.

Luckily when I called the Nextel Sales they checked my account and I was eligible to and upgrade and could take $150 off any phone. Plus there was a $50 rebate. Also since I have been a good customer and knowing what my situation is they will take and extra $50 off my next bill.

I ordered the same phone I had already had. I am already familiar with it. It's just a different color. By the time I get all the discounts and rebates my phone is only going to cost me $79.

When all this happened it late Friday night. The soonest the sales rep said I would get my phone would be Tuesday........... TUESDAY!!! I have to go without a phone all weekend! OMG Kill me Now!

Talk about Longest weekend ever. I felt so out of touch.

Monday when I got home from work, there sitting at my door was a nice little FedEx package from Sprint/Nextel.

MY PHONE, MY PHONE YAHOOOOOOO!

AHhhhhh.... Now I can Sleep At Night LOL

Let Me Be Myself

2008-08-22T08:32:00.000-04:00

guess I just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew
Take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

That's all I've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me

Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

V A C A T I O N

2008-08-13T16:22:00.014-04:00

I know I haven't posted in a while. I've been meaning too. I don't have a good excuse other than I just haven't been in the mood to write.

The week of July 28th I was away on vacation. I headed down to the Jersey Shore. Seaside Heights to be exact. I had a wonderful time. The weather was gorgeous! Hot Humid 90 degrees.

Majority of the time was spent at the beach. I have always loved the ocean and the beach but something about swimming int he ocean scare me a little.

Last year when Kim and I went to VA I happened to venture in further than I normally did. I got my ass kicked by the ocean then. This time was different. The waves weren't as rough so I ventured out even more. I was actually swimming in the ocean. I rode a few waves in. Yes, I didn't get knocked around a bit by a few unsuspecting waves. The next time I head to the ocean I am buying a body board and going to body surf in on the waves!

I also ventured under the pier and checked out all the going ons. Found some interesting shells, a few whole live clams. This one clam, I swear was the size of my whole hand! When I first saw it I though it was only a half clam shell. Once I picked it up I saw what looked like a huge gross slimy tongue sticking out. Curiosity got the better of me so I touched it. I squealed (but didn't drop it) and the clam pulled itself back into its shell.

I also captured a humongous crab but I let it go. Catch and release.

We must have walked up and down the boardwalk a zillion times each day. Rarely did we venture away from the boardwalk or beach.

The one day we headed to the beach later in the day. About 4 in the afternoon, even though it was sunny and blue skies all day a sudden fog engulfed the whole boardwalk. It was freaky. I was laying on the beach with the sun beating down on me one minute to open my eyes and find the foggy mist erily making its way up the boardwalk. All I could keep thinking about was that Stephen King Movie The Fog or the Mist.

Wednesday night was fireworks and I even have some video of that.

Update

2008-07-10T10:53:00.002-04:00

Well it's been a while since I posted anything.

So let me catch you all up.

Friday June 27 Paul was let go from his job. He was depressed and didn't know what to do.
I being logical and good under pressure told him exactly what he needed to do for now. Call unemployment first and get started with that so at least he has something coming in. Then call human resources at his job to find out if he still gets paid for his vacation time he had coming to him.

Then start hitting the pavement looking for another job.

His manager also got let go. He knows other people in the industry of rental company's that might be able to get them all into another job, This might take a little time but there is some hope.

Work has slowed down. Or maybe it is that we are all caught up. I'm just doing busy work. I have my regular work to do every day but I get that done rather quickly and back to the mindless work.

I just went through hell with my bathtub. The drain was really clogged. It took me 3 days, one box of baking soda, one bottle of vinegar, One large bottle of liquid plumber, and 2 bottles of Bleach along with plunging the shit out of it to finally release whatever it was holding up the drain. (That was fun!)

Now I'm making semi plans to head to the shore for a few days. I need to get away. I need the ocean and the beach. Heading to Jersey shore the end of July. I think I will just pack a few things and head out. No reservations, no set plans. Just get up and go.

Mike and I....... well..... We are kind of together. Nothing has changed on his part and I am not budging on my part of how I feel or what I want for myself. We came to an agreement and an arrangement that seems to be working for us, at least for now.

The time we get along the best and have a good time with no fighting, no tension, with just prior to us having sex, while having sex and just after having sex.

It sounds strange But while we are who we are. If we can change things for the better then great if not things are what they are. While we work on ourselves, I do what I need to do and what to do. He will do what he wants and needs to do and when we want sex from each other we will be together and spend that time together. Seems we are both happy with it being this way (For now)

That's about it on the updates

Until I write again

Doctors Help or Hindrance

2008-06-19T16:13:00.002-04:00

I don't normally go to the doctors unless I really need to.

Slight cough, sneeze or sniffle doesn't cut it.

Therefore, if I go to the doctors it is something serious. What is my reasoning behind not going every time something small comes up -- well, partly is because I feel doctors are full of shit.

You are entrusting you life, your health, your well being to them. But you know what? Just because they go to medical school and have an MD behind their name doesn't mean they know what is necessarily best for you.

Now I'm not saying all doctors are like this, because there are a few who really do care and are in it for the right reasons. They might even go above and beyond what they are suppose to do to help you. Be it giving sample of a medication because you cannot afford to buy it or somehow working around a procedure because you cannot afford it or maybe just listening to their patient and having regard to how they feel about whatever it may be.

You are probably wondering what I'm talking about or where I'm coming from. Let me tell you.
I had a doctor appointment today. The reason being is that my menstrual cycle is out of wack. either I don't get it or when I do it wont go away. I have had this problem for some time. and being on the pill helps regulate it. Well I don't want to be on the pill just for that reason. It's stupid. There is provera which help regulate the cycles as well (which is what I was hoping he would do for me)

Instead I get a lecture of why this is happening. HELLO, I already know why. I'm not stupid. I'm not some ditzy bimbo who hasn't a clue.

I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovaries) Which for me, is caused by my weight gain. So of course, the natural solution is to lose the weight.

Again, HELLO, I know this. But the weight wasn't put on overnight. It has happened over a number of years so yes, it will take tie to come off. At least healthy wise is will.

All seems easy so far right. Well it would be if the doctor was more concerned for how I felt than being more concerned for helping his colleagues and himself become richer.

He was so adamant about me going the surgical route. Gastric bypass or lap band. He has even went as far as to say that I have reached my point 10 years ago with trying to do something about it then and its not working. (Did he ask me if I really tried) how many people really truly try? You start a diet. One week -- two weeks --- ah that's it your done.

That's not really trying. He made me so upset I just wanted to cry but knock his fucking head off first. He doesn't realize that with me when I feel strongly about something I WILL NOT back down about it.

He practically tried to force feed me this surgical Crap. Saying that I was already at my last resort. FUCK YOU Doctor. How do you know. Have you seen me the past 10 years Busting my ass day after day, working out, watching what I'm eating to lose weight?

NO, you haven't because I haven't been doing that.

But now, right now I am in that place of where I am going to the gym and working out, I'm trying to watch what I eat. I just need a little help. First of all I believe my hormones are all out of wack. And from researching and reading I know that when that happens it can prevent a person from losing weight. It may even cause them to gain it. You would think the doctor would know that.
I need to see and endocrinologen. Get tested see where I stand.

Then I need a nutritionist or dietitian. A good one. One that can get me on a plan. Yes, he suggested support groups like Weight Watchers. Might be OK. But what will they really do? Once a week you meet, talk bout your troubles, problems, eating habits, weigh in...... Whatever......sounds stupid to me.

Determination, Strength, willpower, Support can come from my friends and family (at least I hope) but it has to be me.

Just because you get surgery done doesn't mean it will last. So it isn't a end all to fix all solution.

I know I can do this. It's going to take time, Hard work, Dedication. But with the right doctors help and my stubbornness to prove him wrong. I will do this. And shove it right in his face.

Woodland Creatures

2008-06-15T06:49:00.003-04:00

I took a little trip early this morning and on my adventures out I encountered a few of natures finest woodland creatures.

There seemed to be a lot of animals wandering the sides of the road. At night all I see if the eyes that reflect off my head lights. A few cats managed to scatter across the road daring to use up one of there nine lives.

I even had a rabbit rush out at the last minute. My heart stopped and I almost closed my eyes waiting to her the thump under my car. It's mad dash to the other side of the road must have paid off because I didn't hear the thump and I did not see anything in the rear view mirror.

I did let out a sigh of relief. I hate when I hit anything on the roads.

Then I as coming over the knoll in the road when suddenly there he was just standing there in the middle of the road just gazing at me. It was a German shepherd. I immediately slowed down. I'm my head i was screaming come on doggy get out of the road you are going to get hit. As I said this the dog slowly wandered off to the side of the road. It was lucky that I was the wonder driving on the road and not some idiot who would have cared less and hit him.

Then I get almost home and amidst the greenery on the side of the road I see this deer. I could tell it was contemplating crossing so I slowed but was in awe at the same time. I think they are one of the most beautifulest creatures and watch them bounce cross the road with such ease and playfulness made me smile.

Again if it was some other maniac driving down the road they would have purposely hit any and all of these animals.

So for one more day there lives are safe.

soulmate

2008-06-10T17:40:00.002-04:00

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Not Easy As It Seems

2008-06-06T11:45:00.002-04:00

I've been down this road before..........

Somehow I always find myself wondering how I got here?
Where did I go wrong?
What could I have done differently to make things work?

Even with both of us coming to the conclusion that it would be for the best to end things amicably, it still hurts and isn't easy.

You would think it would be. Even though we had a lot of differences so much to the point that is was our downfall. Still doesn't make it easy. Doesn't erase the fact that he loved me for me. It was my fault because I couldn't get past his bad habits and accept him as he was.

I think I am hurting more now than I was before. I have an emptiness like something is missing.
I know he is hurting too and I so want to be there to help him through it....although I know he doesn't want me there. This kills me the most.

The helplessness I feel not being able to help the person I love.

He says he just cant right now ... but what if he never can.....

He will conveniently forget my number..... then he will forget me.

Lost yet again another piece of my heart.

Fight For All The Wrong Reasons

2008-06-05T09:02:00.003-04:00

Well I wanted you
I wanted no one else
I thought it through
I got you to myself
You got off
Every time you got on to me
I got caught up
In favorable slavery

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn't really right
I guess it wasn't meant to be
It didn't matter what they said
'Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn't matter what I tried
It's just a little hard to leave
When you're going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

Well you know my friends
Well they know your enemies
I'd pretend
Not to hear what they said to me
'Cause I got off
Every time you got on to me
Was it wrong
To go along with insanity?

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn't what I wanted
Wasn't really what I thought
Thought it was the day I got
I want it all to go away

Friday

2008-05-30T12:25:00.002-04:00

Here it is another Friday. Another week done and over with. Sunday will be the first of June and half the year is about over with.

Where is the time going. Seems the older I get the faster time flies!

I start back at the gym on Monday. I took the month of May off because I had so much to do around the part and house I just didn't have enough time. I've done pretty well actually. I seemed to have lost weight the first two weeks of NOT working out and now have just maintained at that weight.

I'm looking forward to starting in again. This time I think I will do more cardio with possibly one or two days of weight training. I think maybe that was what was making me feel all bulky and bloated.

I still have tons of planting and gardening, and home improvements to get done but I have to figure out some kind of schedule that can include both exercising and getting what needs to get done in.

These gas prices are putting a damper on what it is I can do and when. I really have to watch how and where I spend my money or where I go. Yesterday morning it was $4.09. on my way home for work last night it is now up to $4.11. I'm afraid of what it will be tonight when I head home from work.

Just going back and forth to work is starting to take a toll and add up. I just can't afford to go anywhere. II stay home and work out in the yard or around the house.

Purgatory

2008-05-28T12:15:00.003-04:00

I feel like I'm caught in purgatory. I' floundering in limbo here.

I've got so many things going on through my head right now I just don't know how I am feeling.

I know there is definite internal conflicts going on with my head and my heart.

Being the logical and rational person I am I always have to think situations through.

What may be right for me might not be the road I want to head down at this moment.

I know what it is I want and kind of what I am looking for. I know what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy. This is the only thing right now in my life I know for sure.

What path I will take is still uncertain.

What's Been Going On??

2008-05-27T12:05:00.003-04:00

Hello Everyone!

I know, I'm sorry I haven't written much.

I have been keeping busy with work. There is so much I want and need to get done around my apartment.

I took the month of May off from working out so I could get a good start on most of it but there just isn't enough time in a day to do this. I will be starting back to the gym after work next week.

The majority of the time was spend working on the next door apartment but since that is finished I can now concentrate on what I need to get done.

I'm also trying to make things easier on my parents.

So this weekend I trimmed the grass and mowed the lawn. In between I laid the rest of the floor tile in next door apartment and helped lay out and cut the rugs for the back two bedrooms.

I started to weed one of three flower beds. I also laid down weed blocking screening. But there is so much that I couldn't finish all of it. I finally bought some mulch to lay down on it. Which I wont be able to get to til Thursday (weather permitting).

I still have to pick up my motorcycle from the shop. Finish the kitchen floor tiles in my place and start the floor tiles by the door when you first walk in my apartment.

But I like feeling busy. It helps me sleep better nights.

I am actually happy now. I have been enjoying what I'm doing am look forward to hanging out on occasion with my friends on the porch or back yard by the fire.

Who Is Your Celebrity Twin?

2008-05-21T16:52:00.004-04:00

Took another quiz. This time it was to see who my celebrity twin would be.

This is what the outcome was.....

Reese's production company is named Type A, and like her, you are both a perfectionist and a planner. You're grounded, successful and when you decided to do something, you always give 110 percent. You've always been the nice, cute girl -- the high school cheerleader, prom queen... You value family above all else and realize the importance of raising your children in a down-to-earth environment. Reese is the first to tell you she's from the South and loves bluegrass music and collecting antique lace. You, too, are not afraid to show your traditional side. You're also fiercely protective and loyal.

Which Sex and the City Lady Are You?

2008-05-18T06:53:00.001-04:00

So I took this quiz that I came across on the net....Which Sex and the City Lady Are You?

This is who I identify with:

You're Carrie

Like confident Carrie, the lovelorn sex columnist, you're curious and perceptive, always seeking answers and never satisfied with the superficial. Being Carrie lends itself to indecision and an avoidance of tough issues, like with Carrie and her on-again, off-again attachment to Mr. Big. Forward-thinking, incredibly intelligent and witty, you just exude quirky charm. You'd be utterly bored by someone who's just a pretty face or hot body -- though you don't mind looking and flirting! You're more turned on by an equally smart and funny mate, someone who challenges your mind and makes you laugh. You love to talk, so you need a good listener who's open to playful and eccentric ideas about love and lovemaking. Of course, you're also the most fashion-foward lady in the city!

Sick Mother F@ckers!!!

2008-05-13T22:31:00.004-04:00

This world has some sick fuckers in it.

What in heaven or earth makes someone want to molest children?

How do they even get a thrill or get turned on by that?

How sick can a person be to even think about doing that in the first place?

I know it happens. I've heard it happening on the news, in the papers but I would have never thought it would hit as close to home as it has today.

I have never been so filled with rage and sadness as I have been today.

I am not mentioning names to protect the innocent people involved and unfortunately if I do name the Guilty Sick Son of a Bitch that has done such an unthinkable act it would also hurt those I am trying to protect.

But let me tell you this....he better hope that he goes to prison an for a long long time because if I see him he will wish he was in prison. He will wish he never got involved with my friend and taken advantage of her daughter because the fucker will have his balls and dick cut off and shoved down his throat.

I have connections and know people who have connections so even being sent away his life will end as he knows it.

Whatever It Takes

2008-05-02T11:42:00.003-04:00

I was listening to the following song and it hit home.

I want someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me. It's funny how songs just seem to find you when you need them.

Whatever It Takes - by Life House

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

CRISIS MODE

2008-04-30T06:41:00.003-04:00

My Best Girl Tammy and her two girls were suppose to be moving in to the apartment next to me that my good friend Danny just moved out of.

Unfortunately, he left it in a bit of shambles. She was expecting to start moving this Thursday, but now finding out that the apartment is in unmovable conditions she has to wait.

Under the wire, we need to get the place in top shape.

I guess I know what I will be doing this weekend! Painting, cleaning, scrubbing etc.

Wish Us Luck!

Heart Broken

2008-04-27T11:05:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough weekend.

First, out of the blue I came down with some kind of bug or flu.

I was all achy, feverish, cold chills and I was whiny.

On top of that Mike and I got into HUGE fight. Actually we haven't fought for a while but this one was a biggy.

He has been telling me that he would come down to my house to spend the night. There has been one reason that seems to pop up on Friday for why he can't.

I don't feel it is too much to ask to want to spend some quality alone time with my BF.

I'm not asking him to spend the week, to move in or even spend the whole weekend. But for one night out of a week to come and be with me for a change. I feel that is a reasonable request.

I've been there for him, supported him, treated him really good. Just about every weekend I always went up to his house. Hung our with him, went where he wanted to go.

I am always the one who ends up conforming to what he wants. He doesn't want to come to my home but I can come up there. I'm more than willing to compromise but I always end up being the one to hold up my end of the deal when he falls through with his end. This isn't fair to me.

Then he tried to bring the argument of his friends into it. But lets look at it this way. I get to see him possible one maybe two days out of the week. He has the rest of the week to talk, visit, see, hang out with any and all of his friends which many times he does. Do he cant take at least one day out of his precious time to spend with the person he claims to love? As for me, because I end up going to his place for the weekend I lose out on seeing, talking or hanging out with my friends.

It just seems like in order for me to see Mike or spend any time with him I must do it under his terms. Yet again, what he wants. He refuses to see where I am coming from or to understand how I may be feeling.

Like a child throwing a tantrum. As long as I give in to him then he is fine and everything is alright.

I have so much to do at my place. He just doesn't understand. I don't have time to work on it during the week. If I spend all weekend at his place I get nothing done.

He doesn't seem to be the same guy I feel in love with. I'm not sure what happened to him or who has influenced him but he is not the same. He use to be more loving, caring, wanting to hug me, kiss me, be with me.

Yes, it has been a while since we've seen each other. But that is all the more reason to be that much more affectionate.

I don't know. I'm not sure where we stand or how we stand with each other. If we can fix this or work this out.

All I know is that it does take two to make a relationship work. It's not fair if one gets their way and gets what they want when the other doesn't.

Old Friends

2008-04-24T06:51:00.003-04:00

I know how busy life can get.

I know how easy it is to lose touch with friends and loved ones.

But just because we don't hear from them or talk to them doesn't mean we have forgotten or stopped loving them.

So with that said I wanted to give a shout out and say happy birthday to someone who is near and dear to my heart, but who I haven't heard from in a long time but is not forgotten.
His Birthday is this Saturday April 26th.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Beau

Wherever you maybe, whatever you are doing. I hope you are happy and that you are getting the most out of life.

And that occasionally I may still cross your mind. LOL

Progress

2008-04-20T10:56:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, Saturday April 19th, was the end of my third week since I started working out.

I am happy to report that I do see some progress.

When I first started I could barley do 5 minutes on the stair climber. I tried the elliptical machine and realized it was harder than it looked and only was able to stay on it for 3 minutes. I was able to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes but I was breathing heavy and I was extremely tired.

Saturdays is my two hour work out day. I work one hour on cardio and one hour on weight training.

This Saturday I realized how far I've come in such a short amount of time. I was able to work out for 25 minutes on the stair climber. I would have done 30 minutes but for some reason the whole machine shut off. At least all my totals of how long, how many floors, how many calories burned etc shut off.

I hadn't tried the elliptical machine since day one when I started, so I thought I'd give it a try and see if I could at least make 5 minutes. To my surprise I was able to stay on it for 15 minutes. (This machine is still more difficult) but I felt really good after.

I've noticed when I work out on the treadmill I am able to walk farther faster in 30 minutes than I have been in the previous weeks. I use to be able to make one mile in about the 30 minutes. Now I can make one mile in 20 minutes and keep on walking!!!

I'm trying to to get too wrapped up in the "number" or weight progress. For one it can get discouraging. plus your weight constantly fluctuates with new muscle mass.

Plus I am also trying to stay patient. I like immediate results, no matter what it is I do. I want results now! I know that isn't possible and isn't healthy in the first place. It will take time and patients and a lot of hard work.

Well I'm already putting in the hard work.

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

2008-04-17T06:29:00.000-04:00

I took this quiz to find out what kind of flirt I am and this is what I found out.

Suave Flirt

Being your suave self can get you the results you desire, but make sure you don't ruin your own game by being too smooth. Your subtle manner could point to signs of an inner need for caution and, perhaps, your reluctance to get too deeply involved emotionally.Just remember this: A woman's sense of worth should not come from a man's attention. It can make you feel great to flirt and get the kind of response you want from a man, but don't allow these small blips of adoration block your willingness to have a relationship.

Jef - Fa Fa DUNHAM dot com

2008-04-17T06:23:00.000-04:00

This Sunday I am going to see one of my favorite comedians, Jeff Dunham at the Utica Stanley Theater.

He is a ventriloquist and he cracks me up. The first time I watched his show I was (ROTFLMAO) rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

He has a couple of videos out and he is on Comedy Central.

I left you a few clips to check him out in case you haven't heard or seen him.

Stop by his web site if you like. www.jeffdunham.com

TOFU

2008-04-15T08:32:00.003-04:00

So anyone who has been reading my blogs or who knows me, knows I've been making changes in my life. The main one for now is working out and becoming healthier.

I decided I was going to try something new, Tofu.

I don't think that I have ever actually tried tofu but for some reason I believe I do not like it.

My mom has used tofu in here Korean soups and some stir fry but I have always managed to advert eating it.

So I kinda wonder why I believe I do not like tofu when I have not, knowingly, tried it.

Last night I tried it for my first time. I made a stir fry of broccoli florets, shredded carrots, portobello mushrooms, celery, and tofu.

I wasn't over joyed with it but it was eatable. There really isn't much of a taste to the tofu and the consistency is kinda like scrambled eggs.

This morning I thought I would try it again. I sauteed some zucchini, green peppers, tofu and sausage. This was a little more palatable, more so when I ate it with a piece of sausage.

I will finish off this block of tofu but more than likely will not buy it again unless I can find a recipe or use of it that I like.

I do have a couple of more ideas to try over the next few days. Since it has a resemblance to scrambled eggs I think I will try to make a sausage and Tofu sandwich. Then I think I will try it in a soup based dish. I now tofu is suppose to take the place of meat products but I can't help it. I'm a carnivore!

I'll let you know how it turns out.

When It Rains, It Pours

2008-04-11T11:39:00.006-04:00

My inspection sticker on my car was due in January. Yes, I know, here it is April and so far I've been lucky enough not to get caught!

But with the warmer weather coming I know the cops will be out with road blocks so it's time to bite the bullet and get my car checked out.

It first started out that I needed tie rods for both sides before they could pass my inspection.
They also mention that I should have an alignment when I get the tie rods done.
Since they were already going to have my car up they might as well do an oil change.

They got back to me with a price for the tie rods. ($20 each)

Not bad. I was feeling pretty good about that until they went to get the alignment done.

My lower wheel arms have to be replaced before they can pass me for inspection.

What's this going to cost me???

Let's tally this up now......

Tie Rods - - - $20 each = $40
Alignment - - - - - - - - - = $90
Inspection - - - - - - - - = $21
Oil Change - - - - - - - - = $21.55

Lower wheel Arms
One Side is $200
Other Side is $300 - - - = $500

Sub Total - - - - - - - - - = $672.55

This isn't including labor. Labor is $50 an hour. so lets figure another $150 to that subtotal for a GRAND TOTAL OF approx $822.55 plus tax

I just want to cry!

My First Week

2008-04-06T23:14:00.004-04:00

I know I've been talking about making some changes in my life but up until now I just couldn't seem to get my ass in gear to start.

But I've made the first few steps and I'm on a roll now.

You all know I've joined the fitness center and have dedicated myself to working out everyday after work.

Saturday I went and worked out for two hours. I did the whole workout for both cardio and weight training. I felt so alive, so good, so tired! (but in a good way)

This has really helped me put things in perspective. I don't seem as stresses as I have been and so far my moods seems to be a lot better. I'm still working on the sleeping through the night. I am still tired but in an exhausted kind of way from the work out so that is also a good thing.

Why am I doing all this?

Well that is very simple. To get into shape, be more healthier, look better and most of all to feel better about myself.

I need to start feeling good about myself. I've faced it, it's been a long time since I've been happy and felt good about me. I know my life and my situation hasn't helped in that matter.

I have to start somewhere. I've lost myself. Who I am and what I like to do.
It's simple yet complicated. But that is for another blog.

I've come to realize that true happiness has to start with me. I have to be the one to make me happy. I can't or shouldn't depend on someone else to be the reason I am happy. That only puts me in a more vulnerable and dangerous position.

Once I am happy with myself, for myself and about myself that all else will fall into place.

This year is the year of life changes. Some may be good, some may be bad, some happy and some sad. But in the end it is what is right for me and what is going to make me a happier person.

Catch Up

2008-04-02T16:20:00.002-04:00

OK I should have written on Monday but I didn't have time.

I started my work outs on Monday. It felt real good. The trainer took me through the weight machine circuit and gave me recommended weights and reps. She made sure I knew how to work the machines, how to adjust the settings and made sure I did the exercise correctly.

For now I do my weight training every other day and my cardiovascular on opposite days but I am combining a little cardio or weight training (depending on which day it is) for every day.

Like yesterday was my cardio day. I worked out for half hour on the treadmill. then I went to the elliptical machine. That was my cardio. Then I ended it with the abdominal crunch machines and the lower back work out.

Today will be my third day. I'm back to the weight training. But I will end up working on the stair stepper before I'm done but only 5-10 minutes.

My arms are so sore today, I hope I will be able to even lift weights LOL

I'll keep you updated on my progress.

How Sexy Are You?

2008-03-27T16:02:00.004-04:00

OK I had a little downtime at work today so I took this quiz that asks "How Sexy Are You?"

This is the results:

Sufficiently Sexy

You are fairly comfortable with your sexuality and aren't afraid to play up your sex appeal, but you know when to tone down the sexual dynamo act and let your partner see and appreciate your other wonderful qualities.

Although being physically attractive to the man in your life is important to you, you also want him to value your intelligence, spirit, humor and so on. No doubt he does; what men find most appealing is a woman who believes in herself. Whether you're conscious of it or not, that confidence is evident both in and out of the bedroom -- in the way you move, speak, smile, dress and have sex; women who are confident and comfortable with their sexuality tend to have more satisfying sex lives. That said, don't be surprised if your sex life gets a little humdrum at times -- even the best sexual connections sometimes need a change. So don't be afraid to occasionally rent an erotic movie, wear sexy lingerie or play up your sexiness in the bedroom.

If you would like to take this quiz go check it out here:
http://quiz.ivillage.com/love/tests/Sexycouple.htm?nlcid=sw03-27-2008

A New Begining

2008-03-25T18:01:00.004-04:00

Well I've finally done it!

I have signed up at the fitness center.

I have to admit it was a bit scary for me.

First of all I had to do this by myself. Yes I know I'm a big girl but its a bit intimidating to go somewhere that you don't know anyone and the majority of the people there are of course, already in decent shape. I'm sure they are looking at me and thinking "oh god, look at her"

But I have to keep in mind I'm there for a reason: to get in better shape, to get healthier, to make me feel better about myself. At least I am doing something about it now.

I'm excited, a little nervous, a little intimidated but I know this is going to be the start of a good change for me.

I will keep you all informed as to my progress and maybe even post a few picts if I get to be that daring.

Alone

2008-03-02T21:46:00.002-05:00

Lately I just feel alone. I could be surrounded by tons of people and I still feel alone.

I feel like there is something missing in my life.

I am very unhappy and I need to do something about that.

The relationship I'm in just seems to be getting worse. My feelings just seem to fall on deaf ears. Nothing lasts and nothing changes.

He is very happy and satisfied with how his life is. He has no responsibilities and doesn't want any.

I need more. I want more.

I can't take the drinking. I was at one point willing to compromise but he has taken each inch I give and runs with it to the point where I just don't want to give anymore.

He constantly tries to twist everything and make it sound like I am making such a big deal out of nothing but you know what, I'm not! I'm not because it is how I feel and that will NEVER change.

So now we have a problem. How do we fix this problem? Well you would hope talking it out and compromise would work, but when you have tried over and over and it just fails you don't have much of a choice left.

What is on my mind today

2008-02-28T20:00:00.000-05:00

I've had a lot on my mind for quiet some time. It isn't any "one" thing but a whole lot of different things.

What popped into my mind today was something I have not thought about in a very long time.
I don't know why I thought of it and of all places to have it come running through my mind the shower is not the ideal place for me.

But come to think of it, that is where I ponder most of my thoughts or at least that is where they pop into my head.

Come to think of it again, it might be an appropriate place after all. For this is where it all started.

I believe things happen for a reason but sometimes you can't help but feel guilty or regret, resentment or even hatred for the things that do happen.

When I was young, about 17, I found out I was pregnant.

My BF at the time, I thought I was madly in love with, wasn't the greatest of all people. We had our share of trouble but I was young and he was my first of everything. At first he was happy and supportive but then he wasn't so sure. That was not exactly the time to be unsure of how he felt. Be it about me or the baby.

I was scared and called a hot line. They in turn was helping me by taking me to some place where pregnant teens could stay, get school while they were pregnant and then have the baby, at which time they would be on their own.

Well to condense the story a bit, we ended in a accident the night of the prom. He was severely injured and became paralyzed.

This was a trying time for me. I was confused, scared and of course mostly (at that time) a good girl so I listened to what my parents said. The only thing I was thinking about was my BF. how he was doing. If he would even make it through.

My parents decided that it would be best to terminate the pregnancy. I didn't have much time because I was bordering on the trimesters. Of course, mind you I was only 17, the only support I had was my parents, I didn't even know if my BF was going to live or not. So I just went along with what they wanted.

I do wish I was stronger then. The whole things was a big blur. I know we went to NYC. The night prior to the appointment I had a really bad dream. It's all fuzzy now but I know it was about the baby. Kind of like he was talking to me.

Everything was scary. There were protesters outside. The office was filled with girls/women varying in age. I overheard this one girl had been there numerous times before. I was told that when coming out of the anesthesia I may react in different ways. Some people cry, others get sick, some just don't know where they are.

I remember that when I came to my mom was there and I pushed her away and I started to cry. I knew deep inside I did not want to do this. I wanted the baby.

I tried to rationalize that it was the best thing for me to have done given the situation. I was still in school, my bf was still in school now who knew if he would even survive. What kind of life would I be able to have given my baby? And the idea of giving it up for adoption, not knowing where or who my baby would be with I just couldn't do.

My parents never talked about it or mentioned it again. I felt empty inside.

I have always wanted a baby and I believe that going through that made my feelings for having a baby even stronger.

I know it is not the reason for my infertility but I cannot help to feel that guilt that I am now paying for not being strong enough back then to stand up to my parents and say no I want my baby. So now I feel hurt because I can't seem to have a baby. I feel resentment towards my parents for making be abort my child. I feel guilty every day of my life. Sometimes I even hate those who take what I can't have for granted. Those who do not cherish the ability to be able to feel a life grow inside of them and enjoy every minute. Those who do it for all the wrong reasons.

I've suppressed my feelings for a very long time and very rarely, if ever do I talk about it to anyone. I have come to realize that every year I do get depressed around October. At first I always thought it was because winter was right around the corner but it isn't hat. It's because that is when my baby would have been born. I've even suppressed my feeling for even wanting children. I just don't think of it anymore. I limit myself from those who do at least those with infants.

I would almost go as far as saying I would make a deal with the devil to be able to be pregnant and have my own baby.

But that is silly, after all we know that isn't possible...

Bad Weekend

2008-02-23T23:54:00.006-05:00

This has been one of the most horrible weekends I've had in a while.

NO -- I'm NOT OK

NO -- I'm NOT Happy

NO -- I'm NOT going to just forget about it and

NO -- I'm NOT going to get over it

Sorry don't mean anything anymore. It loses it's meaning and affect after the second time and this is WAY past the second time.

It shouldn't matter what my reason is for not liking the drinking, but I feel they are reasonable reasons nonetheless. How it makes me feel should be the important key factor. Disregards to that just means you really don't care how it makes me feel.

I feel I'm not that difficult. I'm even willing to work and come to a compromise but when that is thrown back in my face and I come up with the losing end on that then that is unacceptable.

Why should I even try to compromise anymore when the other end isn't going to me met anyways.

NO -- Why should I even try again? because it won't stick..... IT NEVER STICKS!
Can't even get through one day with the agreement we make. So NO, why should I believe anything.

GIVE ME a reason to believe what you say you will do.

SHOW ME proof that what you say you will do. Because thus far 98% of what you say you never do so that does not show me or give me reason to believe what you say you will do will happen. Just gives me proof against you.

I have to go think now before I say something that may hurt or won't be so nice.

NO -- I'm NOT OK

Whats Up?

2008-02-19T12:45:00.005-05:00

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've written.

What can I say? I just haven't been motivated enough to write. Plus it is harder when you don’t have internet access right at your finger tips......

But some good news! My dearest Darling Friend and next door neighbor, Danny got his wireless router hooked up and came over last night to make sure I can leech off his wireless. (Isn't he just a doll? I could just hug and kiss him!)

So I downloaded all my song I had on my external hard drive onto his new laptop and he made sure I was hooked up!

So I just might be able to write a little more, that is if I am more inspired to do so. I guess I just have to make myself do it.

Let’s see, what else has been going on..... I've been hanging out a lot on e-bay checking out what is on there. I've got a kewl Godsmack butane lighter coming in a few days!

This winter is really kicking my ass. I got use to the easy mild winters we've had the past few years that didn't start until mid January. This winter started the end of October and only managed to stay cold and snowy all season thus far.
That is a very long long time without regular heat!

I had to take my dog to the vet about three weeks ago. I came home from work one night and he couldn't get up. Once I helped him up he could barely walk. He is a black lab mix, 14 years old and 73 lbs. This makes him about 88 yrs old in human years.

I thought maybe he had hip dysphasia. But turns out he just has very bad arthritis and degenerative mylopathy. He now takes medicine and for the most part is doing fine. He has his moments but don't we all?!

Today I took my cat up to get spayed. I couldn't take the meowing any longer.
Mike and I haven't been doing so well. But this past weekend he really proved himself to be capable of making me happy. Now is only he keeps doing that!
I'm still in the process of finding what makes me happy and doing things for myself for once.

My mom on the other hand hasn't been doing so well. Right now it's her kidneys I forget what percentage is failing but the doctors believe that is what is causing the swelling in her legs and face.

I have a lot of things that are mulling around in my head for the spring and summer. I have a lot of work I want to get done around my place. Plus I would really like to go away on vacation again. Not sure where exactly but I know I would like to go to the ocean again. That's where I feel the happiest, carefree.

Well that's about it for now. Hopefully that will tide you over until I have something more worthy to write about.

They Say Its Your Birthday...Its My Birthday Too!

2008-02-08T16:17:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to Me! LOL

Another year older!

It was actually a pretty good day.

Most people my age want to forget about their birthday days....but why??? I don't want to forget about my birthday. It's MY DAY after all! LOL

My co-workers/friends made my day very pleasant. We had a smorgasbord of delicious food: Veggie platter, fruit platter, cheese & crackers, cheesecake, some kind of cherry chocolate cake.....

Many birthday wishes, phone calls, emails, and myspace msgs.

So I wanted to thank everyone for sharing and making my day very special.

2008 Super Bowl

2008-02-03T19:46:00.000-05:00

So I'm sititng here half watching the Super Bowl.

It's a tradition that I haven't broken for years. The commericals use to be to die for but now the majority of them are BORING!

It's the second quarter and I have only seen two or three commercials I liked.

Come tomorrow I probably won't even remember them so what good are they?

I like the Budweiser Clydesdale horses. The one where the horse (Hank I belive his name was) didn't make the team and the dog took him and trained him. The Next year he made it. Those horses are SO Beautiful.

The second one I liked and can still remember is the Sobe Water for Life commercial. All these little salamander, gecko type lizards did the "Thriller" dance. It was cute.

The Planters peanut commercial where the girl was like "Ugly Betty" was funny.

OK, I just saw a commerical for Amazon.com mp3s. It had Justin Timberlake. At first I thought it was stupid but..... at the end he gets clobbered in the head with a car door so that was worth seeing.

Even the half time entertainment isn't as good as it use to be.

They are so afraid of offending someone so they play it safe and now have become... "Y A W N" BORING! Grow a back bone. The majority of people watching the game wpuldn't even thik twice about it, never the less realize what had actaully happened since it it usually just a matter of seconds that it airs.

So what, like you have never seen a tit before? Never heard any one swear or be suggestive? Come on people I think the country has more to be concerned about than a few seconds of what they consider "improper" television.

Letter to the Editor

2008-01-29T13:28:00.000-05:00

Ode to the World

The weight falls on my shoulders to make the whole world better.
It is MY responsibility, it is MY duty to make things right.

I am the ONLY one who can do this.

My job is big and falls ONLY to me to make sure that everything everywhere gets fixed.
Nothing is beyond my control: the war, gas prices, presidential elections, the government, earthquakes, tornadoes, even death.

It is ALL UP TO ME to prevent, encourage, discourage, or make happen ALL that goes on. Sounds silly but it’s not.

I have failed because I have not prevented the war, the gas prices have sky rocketed, there are nothing but dumb asses in office and running for election, I have done nothing to stop or prevent the natural disasters that have or will happen and death well there is no end in sight.

Dear Dumb Ass

Although it is very noble of you to make it you personal duty to take on the whole world chaotic mess and challenges, it all begins at home.

Have you looked in the mirror lately? How can you take responsibility for the whole world when you can even take care of yourself?

It starts on a more personal level. You have to start making the difference on your level. Take control of what is right in front of you first. Attainable goals. What difference can you make now? Job, family, friends, and most of all yourself.

It is the rippled effect. What difference can you make to improve yourself and eventually those around you? You truly can’t expect to tell someone else to get it together when you can’t even get it together.

Lead by example it is far the best way to change the world.

Whats Going On?

2008-01-27T17:31:00.000-05:00

I'm a mess. My stomach is turning. I feel like I want to throw up. At times my whole body just shakes.

I try to keep my mind off of it and sometimes for a bit it works but then I just keep going back to that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Every time I take a breath it feels like I have a hard lump in my throat.

Why wont this go away? Now I'm the bad guy. Is this how you want it to end? Is it ending? or will it get better? If we don't talk how are we to know?

Right now I just want to feel numb. I want to go blank.

Help me, somebody please help me.

Never Too Late

2008-01-22T15:59:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't written in a while. I have had some thoughts swimming around in my head but just haven't have the inspiration to write them down.

I'm going through a lot of internal turmoil, but I promise I will try to write more in the up coming weeks.

In the mean time this song by Three Days Grace kind of sums up some of what is going on in my head and how I feel.

"Never Too Late"

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

2008

2008-01-11T19:54:00.000-05:00

I've got a lot going on internally, mentally.

I've decided that 2008 is "ME - Tracy" year.

I usually bend over backward and go out of my way to make others happy. I put others first and what do I get in return --- nothing. Nothing but heartache, misery, red swollen eyes and a cold because I'm all stressed out.

Now it is going to be about me. What I want, what makes me happy. I deserve to be happy.

I'm want to get my whole life in order. Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. It will take some time. I know it wont happen over night but it's about time I do this for myself.

I know what I want for myself and anything that is or will hold be back or drag me down I am cutting lose getting rid or or changing.

I want more out of my life. I want more for my life.

I've got so much going on in my head sometimes I can't think straight.

but in the upcoming months I am hoping that thing will start to fall into place.

Financially I want to get to where I am not struggling for money, getting back bills paid off and eventually buying the apartment building I live in.

Emotionally I want to become stronger within. Be able to stand up for myself and what I want. Not be afraid to go after what I want and need. Say how I feel without filtering because I'm afraid to hurt someone or piss some one off. Do you want the truth or do you want me to be honest.

Physically I want to feel better about myself. which in turn will give me more confidence to be who I want to be. I want to be more healthier and possibly be able to have a family.

Mentally kinda goes along the lines of emotionally. I need to clear my head I know what is right for me, what is good for me. I don't want to play games and I no longer want to settle for second best. I don't want to settle for less that I want or deserve. This will open a can of worms. It covers matters of the heart. But I'm not getting younger and its about time to shape up or ship out.

I have a tough road ahead of me but I am finally ready to start my journey.

Happy Belated New Years!

2008-01-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

May the New Year Bring You:

Troubles that last only seconds
Giggles that last minutes
Chuckles that last hours
Laughs that last days
Smiles that last weeks
Happiness that last months
Friendships that last years
But most of all
LOVE that lasts a lifetime!

Tis The Season

2007-12-07T12:23:00.001-05:00

Just as I expected, winter hit early this year.

I knew it was going to be an early cold winter. I could just tell. But everyone kept saying "NOOOOOO"

Well I don't know if it is stress or just because of the cold weather but I can't seem to shake this cold/flu/illness I seem to have come down with last week. It started out with flu like symptoms. Hot and cold chilled, excessively high fever, aches all over. Of course that made me whinny, and I never whine, so I knew I was sick.

Then I seemed to have recovered from that, but still seemed to be tired. Now it seems I have a cold. I'm all stuffy and m y nose ..... well lets just say I have a feeling I could end up being the next Rudolph if I'm not careful.

I have been doing very well in the past few years of not getting sick but it seems this is my year to just not be well at all.

What I would love to do is go where it is warm. or just hibernate for the winter. Crawl under my nice warm electric blanket and 4 comforters and just sleep.

Thus I haven't been writing much in my bloggs.

At least I have just about all my Christmas shopping finished. I'm ahead of schedule there.

So bare with me and hopefully soon I will be back to writing my insane ranting about nothing.

If I don't get back here in time. If I don't see or talk to you before then, I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas and a Wonderful Safe New Years!

I will see you in the spring.......

Who I really am

2007-11-26T13:23:00.000-05:00

Who Am I?

I am someone who just wants to be loved.
Who wants to feel loved.
Who wants to be showed that I am loved.

I want to feel needed and wanted.
I want to feel like I am special and important in someone life.

I am a very independent person and because of that I crave this attention. I have this need to be the center of someones world because I have, for a very long time, been the only one to make sure things get taken care of and who has taken care of me.

I need someone to be the one to take care of me for a change.
Not that I would lose my independence because I cant and wont do that but all my life I have been the care taker and care giver. The responsible one, the one to make everyone else happy. Never asking for much in return, just for their love and attention.

I'm not clingy. I feel I give ample space, sometimes maybe too much space. I try to see things their way and I try to be very patient and understanding but even that has its limits.

I really do try to work to compromise but for some reason it always comes back to where I get the short end of the deal.

Do I deserve this treatment? -- No
Am I asking for too much or being unreasonable for what I want or feel? --- No

I am stubborn what it comes to something I feel strongly about. I wont back down easily but at the same time I will try to see the other persons point of view. I expect the same in return.

I am loyal to my friends, family and loved ones but even loyalty can wear thin when you are not treated well.

I don't make empty promises. I really try hard to say what I mean and mean what I say.

Sometimes in the heat of the moment I may say things that I don't necessarily mean but because of the intensity of the situation or if I am backed into a corner I will come out swinging. I wont play fair. I will say things that I feel at that moment that may be hurtful and mean. Sometimes it is the only to get my point across in letting someone know exactly how I'm feeling or that I mean business.

I am hurt. More than anyone could ever know. Definitely more than anyone could ever see. I wont let them see.
I am slowly shutting down and building up walls. My defense mechanism.

Someone who truly knows me and truly cares can see it or sense it. I have to say there is only one maybe two people in this world who can do this, so I have the rest of the world fooled.

It does scare me though. I'm afraid of what might become of me. An empty shell. Happy and smiles on the outside but lonely as hell on the inside. I went through many years like that. I did have a short time when it seemed I had everything I was looking for only to have it ripped away from me..... maybe it was just a dream.

So the question lies: Who am I?

I am a woman who does not give up easily but after being beaten down so many times doesn't feel she has the strength to keep moving on.

I am a woman who, as I said in the beginning, wants to be loved, showed love, and feel loved.

I want to feel more important than work, friends, games, computers, cars, and everything else that keeps the attention of the male species.

I am a woman who will put 120% into any relationship

And when I don't always have to be the care giver, the adult who makes sure everything is taken care of I can let lose and have a little fun. But I don't get that chance often as I always seem to be the one who has to make sure things are taken care of.

Against All Odds

2007-11-26T10:35:00.000-05:00

( You Know Who You Are )

How can i just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When i stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what i've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, coause there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all i can do and that's what i've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cause i'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance i've gotta take

Take a look at me now

My Christmas Tree

2007-11-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

I know it is a bit early for this ..... But I thought it would be fun to post and see what everyone would like to leave me.

Please leave me a present.

I've been very very good or "Bad" depending on what you like!

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First Snow Fall

2007-11-16T13:37:00.001-05:00

Why am I still here in New York, where it is cold?

Today is the first snow fall. Flurries and wind, nothing sticking to the ground but still.

This only means that winter is right around the corner and soon the snow will be accumulating. I'd prefer 90 degree weather and full sun.

Even for Christmas I can do without snow, doesn't bother me in the least.

I still have no heat in my place so I am counting the days until summer again!

Do You Know Where You Live???

2007-11-02T09:11:00.000-04:00

Working in circulation I find out more and more how people are just plain stupid.

I know everyone has an off day but being on the other end of the phone each day I seem to see that maybe it just isn't an off day maybe these people really are stupid.

I hear all sorts of dumb things. Like when They want to pay with their credit card and I say OK when you are ready read off your number and they hesitate. As I am impatiently waiting, I can almost hear the gears turning. Then they say to me, "Uh what numbers do your need?"

At this point I am thinking (Have you never used a credit card before?) and then politely say to them, " The numbers on the front of your card." {Duuhhh}

Well the new thing lately is addresses. Due to new postal regulations we need to clean up our mailing lists. We have to make sure all the addresses are correct mailing addresses. Makes sense right? Why would we want to be sending out papers to wrong addresses that will only end up coming back. Or because of having an incorrect address there might be a delay in the delivery of the subscribers paper and they will end up calling me and bitching me out for there wrong doing.

I have well over 100,000 subscribers throughout all the papers we publish so this will take some time to get fixed. But I go through and print out all the invalid addresses and slowly, one by one try to look them up on line. I go through the yellow pages, white pages, 411.com, switchboard, you name it I have been to it. If I can't seem to find an updated address or corrected address I send them out a letter telling them the whole situation.

For the most part I will get back the information I need. But there are always a few that insist we already have their correct address. Some get a little pissy and have to be assholes and say shit like [Give me a break is this wasn't my correct address then how did this letter get to me].

So then I have to dig further and try other resources and other means of getting their correct address. I contact my Customer Service Rep at the main Post Office in Albany.

Jim and I have a special type of relationship. We joke and sometimes just chit chat about other things. This is how we call each other.

But he usually comes through for me and finds my information.

It's just amazing how these people just don't know their correct mailing information. Kinda make me wonder how they live their lives.

Do You Know Where You Live?

Two Bit Morons

2007-11-01T12:30:00.000-04:00

Every Year since I can remember Trick or Treat has been 6pm - 8pm.

The past 10 years I have always been swamped with trick or treaters. The last couple of years I wasn't home but this year I was going to be and made sure I would be. I stocked up with candy. I bought bags and bags of it. I h ave a Big cauldron filled to the top with assorted candy and treats plus I have a grocery bag filled with over flow of candy.

I get out of work at 5 pm as do a majority of people in this area do. When I reach my town I notice there are a few children out on the streets already. Most were small infants being pushed by strollers so I thought possibly the firehouse had a costume parade and the children would go trick or treating from there.

I get home run quickly to the house, flip on the light, gather all the candy by the door and impatiently wait for my first child!

Now mind you I have been dressed up in a yellow M&M costume all day and I still had it on because I wanted to hand out candy to the children in it. Maxx, my dog had to go to the bathroom and I made him wait a bit before letting him out the back door.

After about 10 - 15 minutes not seeing anyone coming to my door I let the dog out and started to straighten up my place. Then I headed outside to the front porch to see why I wasn't getting any treaters.

I saw a group of children heading my way so I just waited for them outside and handed out fists full of candy to each child.

Still not knowing what was going on I was quickly getting disappointed.

It was almost 6pm when I decided to go back in the house and just wait for someone to knock on my door. Which is when Danny and his son, Cameron came a knocking.

This is when I found out that they started trick or treating early this year.

Whoever the intelligent numb skull was to decide to change the time to 4 pm - 6 pm was down right moronic!

Most people don't get out of work or even home until 5pm! But lets not think of that now!

So now here I am with a shit load of candy. I'm just not even going to bother with it anymore. Why bother. I think they purposely changed the time to suit the needs of the welfare. Who sit on their asses all day and do nothing.

But that is only my opinion.

Happy Halloween '07

2007-10-31T16:01:00.001-04:00

So this year I decided to make my own costume.

When I first put it on this morning I felt completely stupid.

But I feel I did a good job with it, being my first time making one and all.

You should have seen me, I headed out my door and I heard a car coming so I ducked back into the house quickly.

When the coast was clear I headed for my car hoping that there would be no other cars around. I stuffed myself in the drivers seat and headed to work. I was laughing the whole way. I could only imagine what other people were thinking whne they passed me in their vehicles as they see this bright yellow things driving a red car!

Anyway, it is Halloween so live it up.

Here are some pictures of me and my co workers.

Enjoy!

First Frost

2007-10-30T09:31:00.000-04:00

Monday October 29th, 2007.

I believe it will be an early winter. We have had our first frost of the year here in the Mohawk Valley.

I had to use my car starter. I have no heat in my apartment. I just can't afford to have them come fill my propane. The last time I had heat was about three years ago. That was a very long winter. They were coming to fill up by tank every two weeks and I was shelling out $200 each time. This is before the price hike in gas and heating oil. So I could only imagine what it might cost me now.

Last year I managed to make it through the winter with only little electrical heaters. But last winter was mild and short. The weather didn't get horrifically cold until mid January when we got blasted with snow.

Temperatures never dropped drastically and they didn't stay cold for long. With the Valentine's Day Blizzard (2007) We had an abundant of snow padding covering everything. It took a while to finally melt but it was livable.

This year here is it just about the end of October and we've had our first frost.

I've already had to find warmer homes for my Betta fish. I can't see my breath yet in the house but I'm sure that is only around the corner.

I'm still holding off plugging in the portable heaters only because that will spike my electric bill.

It's a struggle but it only makes me tougher (which is nothing new to my most wondrous life) At least I know that I could survive anything thrown at me.

If you don't hear from me for a while I might be a frozen Popsicle....... then I will see in the the spring when I thaw out! LOL

Rickardo

2007-10-28T17:03:00.000-04:00

I went to the mall Friday night right after work. I needed to get a pair of white sneakers to complete my Halloween costume.

After I found my shoes I stopped over at Hot Topic and as I was coming out of the store this guy walks up to me and asked to see my hands.

So I show him my hands and he takes hold of my left hand and asks if he can show me something. He asked me when the last time I had said "WOW"?

I told him I I can't remember the last time I had said "WOW"

His reply to me was, "why, all you need to do is look in the mirror"

Of course this made me chuckle a slightly.

He asked me my name, I told him my name was Tracy. He said it was a pleasure to meet me and told me his name was Rickardo. (How fitting)

Oh he was smooth, suave. Not bad looking at all. He had one of those sexy Hispanic accents. Actually he sounded like Ricky Martin. But I had his number.

He was talking about my nails and how in no time at all I could have them looking smooth and shiny and I would only have to do it once a month.

So he smoothed, buffed and then shined my nail. Then went into his pitch of selling his product. All the while being very charming.

Now my nail did look very very nice. Took very little time. For only $40 I could have the whole kit.

I told him how it was nice but that I didn't have the money. So he grabs my hand and leads me over to his chair. He told me he would give it to me for his price but I couldn't tell anyone.
He takes a whopping $10 off. Now if he said he could give it to me for $20 I would have taken it but $30...... Not good enough. Besides I am very resourceful and know how to shop (for the most part) I can simply by similar products at the dollar store or Walmart cheaper and get the same results.

But Nice try Rickardo.

Melt In your Mouth Not In Your Hand

2007-10-25T16:09:00.000-04:00

So Halloween is right around the corner.

Last year I skipped it all together. No candy to give out for the trick or treaters, no costume, no nothing!

This year I'm more festive and decided to be even more creative than usual.

So I decided to make my own costume.

Bet you can't guess what it is????

I've been working on it for two weeks now, off and on at least. I have come across some difficulties which just made me think of new ways to go about getting my end result.

As of right now I am almost finished.

I have to get an A for effort at least.

Next year I am buying my costume!!! LOL

Congratulations Are In Order

2007-10-24T16:41:00.000-04:00

Big Congratulations going out to Baby Boo.

He just started a new job at Grandoe.

Normal 8 to 5 hours. He was so excited when I spoke to him Tuesday.

I mean to the point that he was excited about having office supplies at his desk.

You will do well, just believe in yourself because I believe in you.

Hugs and Kisses

Love

"Me"

Cider

2007-10-23T18:13:00.000-04:00

Cider press at Sharon Orchards

Layers of shredded apples are spread in a cheese cloth material

Once they have all the layers filled they finally start to press

Close Up of the Cider Press

A big vat catches all the pressed juices from the apples

This is what is left over after all the pressing is finished

Sharon Orchards

2007-10-16T20:48:00.000-04:00

It's That Year Again!

That's Right!

Apple Picking Season!

Just recently I went to Sharon Orchards. It is a yearly tradition. We always pick a bushel of apples, watch them press apple cider, buy fresh cider doughnut, and of course buy some apple cider.

Luckily they were doing a cider press while we were there so I was able to take a few pictures, which will be in a later blog.

Paully with some cider. Doesn't he look just oooh so happy?? LOL

Smile Paul It Wont Kill Ya!

East End

2007-10-12T09:30:00.000-04:00

Tammy and I went out for a bit the other night.

It is nice to get away and not have to think about all the crap that goes on in our daily lives.

"Ody" Mickey Boslet was there again as the karaoke DJ.

There was more younger college looking kids there. I'd say mid 20's. The annoying "Dixie Chick" girl wanna be wasn't there, either was the lesbian. That kind of made for a less entertaining evening.

But the other older dorky guy who loves to sing was there for a short time. He even came over to Ody when he was talking to us to ask to sing a duet with one of us girls. Tammy quickly refused saying she wasn't drunk enough to sing and that she was more the dancing type (you know like on bars) LOL

Ody had stated that that was right, pointing at me that I was the singer and then pointing at Tammy that she was the dancer.

I did get enough courage to get up an sing again. Starting to come out of my box a little bit more..... Well depending on what it has to do with.

But I did get a compliment from this guy and girl at the bar. The girl was a bartender at East End. She wasn't working that night but she said that I did a very good job and told me how they have had quiet a few "Winners" attempting to sing.

So that made me feel good. LOL

There is a STAR in the making! LOL

Anytime

2007-10-11T11:50:00.000-04:00

I can’t remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be, yeah
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
To say

I miss you
I miss you
(no more) loneliness and heartache
(no more) crying myself to sleep
(don’t want no more) wondering about tomorrow
Won’t you come back to me
Come back to me

I miss you

Evening In HELL

2007-10-09T20:39:00.000-04:00

Being the nice sweet, wonderful person I am - I agreed to take Art and Paul to a concert at Northern Lights in Albany.

Totally not my type of music. This was death metal. Cannibal Corps was the main headlining band and there was three other bands before they came on. I was in Music HELL!!

The doors opened at 6:30pm, We arrived there about 6pm so we had to wait in line about half hour. Talk about freaks. There there kids with long straggly hair, spiked hair, piercings in all sorts of places, some had jet black hair, black lipstick, chains and big black combat boots.

Second band in the bouncers had to escort a couple of guys out. The was a swarm of people moshing and you could see was people jumping and smashing into each other.

I just don't get it.

I couldn't take much more of it so I headed outside for a bit.

I called Mike and sat in my car for a bit listening to Godsmack trying to detox from the horrible music my poor ear was enduring.

I went back in to catch the last band (Cannibal Corps) I couldn't even make it thought the first song without having to leave again.

It was quiet the experience. I would have chalked it up as such if it wasn't for Art Vomiting in my back seat.

All I could smell of was the JD, which almost made me vomit. Down the windows came.

Art was so trashed he couldn't walk straight if his life depended on it. I could barely make out what he was even attempting to say. He started mumbling something about us going to school together and being in kindergarten together. I laughed my ass off for a while until he puked.

Once I finally got both Paul and Art in the car we headed home. We couldn't have been in the car more than 10 minute before I thought I head something trickling like water. It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, more so because I just didn't want to believe it was really happening. I asked Paul if that sound was what I thought it was. Paul was like, "Awe man, Arts puking all over the back seat."

I'm thankful that I couldn't see the damage at that time

He felt so bad about it that he gave me $100 when I dropped him off home. I told him he didn't have to do that and that I didn't want it but he kept insisting. Said it didn't even come close to what he did but that he wanted me to have it.

Well the next morning I saw just how much damage was done.

Sorry

2007-10-06T03:17:00.000-04:00

Madonna said it best.

SORRY

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

You're not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you've gone too far
I've listened to your lies and all your stories
You're not half the man you'd like to be

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

Don't explain yourself 'cause talk is cheap
There's more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient
Don't explain yourself, you'll never see

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
(Don't explain yourself cause talk is cheap)
I've heard it all before, And I can take care of myself
(There's more important things than hearing you speak)
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before

Getting Back to Me

2007-10-01T11:40:00.000-04:00

The past week of so I have been slowly making a come back.

It won't happen over night and I am not rushing or pushing it but I need to find myself again.

Some how, some way I lost myself. Who I was, what I liked to do, the things that made me happy, my goals, just simply "me".

It started last fall and got worst throughout the winter months. By spring I was completely and deeply depressed. I don't mean that I just wasn't happy or just a little blah feeling. I mean I was clinically depressed. I didn't care about anything or anyone, I didn't care to do anything, go anywhere I tried my hardest to do the things that usually made me feel good and that didn't even help.

I finally went to get some help. Finding out that the majority of it was my medication I was taking for my BP. Within a matter of weeks I was feeling back to normal. (Not saying my life was great or better) but I felt human again. Like I can deal with whatever life throwing at me.

That was the start of being back on track. Like I said my life still wasn't the greatest. Still wasn't at the point of where I want to be. I am not the type that will or can idly sit by and just let things happen because for me then nothing happens. Depending on what it is I want I go out and make it happen.

If I want to be happy I must make myself happy. I can't and shouldn't depend on others to do that for me. I think this is where I started to go wrong. How can I put that pressure and that huge responsibility on someone else. Especially if they aren't Happy themselves. How could I possibly think that they could make me happy and vice versa.

No it is me. It is all up to me now. So I am starting my taking control of my life again. Getting my life in order. I need structure of some sort I can't just faulter. That isn't me. That doesn't mean I can't be spontaneous because I can and most of the time do things on the spur of the moment but I like to have a little guide line of where I am heading.

I realized things starting to shift when my GF and I went out one night. Girls night. We had fun, Lots of fun. I didn't get drunk and I still had a great time. That's what matters. I did what I wanted and liked doing for a change.

Then I spent some time at my other gf House just visiting but it was nice to shoot the breeze. Where she came over to my house last Friday for an hour or two. She needed to get away from her miserable life for a bit. So she stopped over and we talked and had a drink but it was nice.

I miss the old days of hanging out with my friends on the front porch or having a small little fire in the back yard. I need to get back there, to the place when I smile and laughed and just enjoyed myself and I will.

How Dumb Can You Be?

2007-09-26T09:30:00.000-04:00

How Dumb Can You Be?

I guess my fuse is very short today as I am finding myself more and more irritated by really STUPID people!

I just had a subscriber call me to renew his subscription.

First of all he rattles off his name and address but it all runs together so I can't understand a single word he said.

I'm sure he didn't even know which paper he was subscribed to so I didn't even bother to ask him.

I went straight to asking him if he has his account number or label number.

He sounded confused about the question I asked him, like what do I mean by label or account number.

So I told him the number above your name on the label or if he had an invoice it would be in the box that said "ACCOUNT NUMBER"

So he rattles off the number and tells me he wants to pay with his credit card.

When I told him anytime he was ready he can read off his card number.

He says, "Uuuhh what number do you need off the card?"

I smack my head and (to myself say "Duuuuhh") Take a deep breath and told him as politely as I could the account number... the big long number across the card.

How dumb can one be?

Churchill Put Some Clothes On

2007-09-24T09:17:00.000-04:00

While staying at the Waterside Inn we encountered some of the other guests that were staying there also.

One happen to be this little boy named Churchill.

The family was staying one the first floor (we were on the second floor) and they were one room over. But in the morning we would go out on the balcony to check the weather and the view and Churchill would be feeding the birds or ducks. The one morning we woke up to crying. Not sure if it was Churchill or his baby brother Charlie (Charlie had a fever).

The first time we saw Churchill was at the pool.

Tuesday we went window shopping and headed back to relax by the pool for the rest of the afternoon. It must have been close to supper time, Kim and I were still laying by the pool Churchill and his family had went back to their room to get ready to get something to eat. The next thing we knew Churchill was outside of the pool area running around with no clothes on.

It was kinda funny, I mean this kid had to be 1 1/2 maybe 2 years old.

Then he was outside on his balcony with no clothes on one of the mornings.

The finally straw was when we went to the beach on Wednesday.

This is a big long beach. Plenty of room. What are the odds of running into Churchill and his family???

Over by the rest room and rinse off station there he was, yet again, Naked!!!!

He is quiet the little nudest. Should have a shirt made for him "Clothing Optional"

You can kinda see Churchill's father (Chruchill Sr) and baby brother (Charlie) over on the left

A Night Out

2007-09-20T11:38:00.000-04:00

I haven't been out in a while.

I don't know why. Not because I haven't been asked to go out because I have had a few people ask me if I want to go out but I just guess it is more like I didn't feel like going out.

But last night was a needed occasion!

My Best Girlfriend needed to get out and get completely wasted. I said I'd be the DD so I already knew I wasn't drinking much.

We ended up at the East End Steakhouse. Not a lot of people which was fine by me. I'm not really one for wall to wall people.

We sat down with our drinks and conversed a bit before we saw this guy coming in the door with DJ equipment.

A comment was made that maybe we picked a good night to go out. Come to find out that it was for Karaoke.

Now mind you I wasn't drinking much because of being the DD do I had no intention of going up and singing. As much as I love to sing and karaoke in the privacy of my own home.

The DJ (Cody) kept coming up and asking if we picked out a song yet and if were were going to sing.

Eventually Tammy threw me in the bag and said I was going to sing and I had mentioned Carrie Underwood "Before He Cheats"

Before I knew it he had me called up there to sing it!

To myself I thought "Okay, step outside the box for a change and do something you wouldn't normally do and that you might not be so comfortable doing"

We got to talking with the DJ and found out he was from Ft Plain too and that he know a lot of people we worked with. He talked to Tammy about where she lived in Jersey. I forget now how we even got on the topic but he asked about my family and I told him my dad's name and how he use to own the video store and he said yeah he knows my dad and my brother. (Such a small world)

This one time I went outside with Tammy when she had her "smoke" and when we came back in we were standing by the door talking. Our table was over to the side so I kept backing up thinking I had backed up to the table and stool next to ours. Boy was I Wrong!

When I turned around to set at our table I was face to face with this guy who had been sitting in the stool next to our table, I had back up just about on his lap. He never said anything and either did Tammy.

I apologized profusely for bumping into him and he insisted it was no problem at all.
We got to talking a bit. We talked about his work and how he likes to go kayaking. We talked about karaoke and how he usually comes to the East End on Wednesdays to sing. Then he asked if I wanted to sing a duet with him. I was hesitant but did agree.

Of course he picks a song I don't even know. He picked Meatloaf - I'd Lie for you (and that's the truth) I have never even heard the song but I did my best LOL. We also sung another one together later on (Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty Stop dragging my Heart Around)

I finally got Tammy up there to sing but I had to do it indirectly!

This cute guy came over to look at the book for a song to sing and asked Tammy if she wanted to sing a duet, of course Tammy said no but I said yes that she would sing one.

After a few minutes I walked over to him and asked if he was singing a duet with Tammy. He then asked what she wanted to sing and I said it didn't matter let him pick it out.

We had a very good time. I haven't had that much fun since my vacation, which in turn was a different kind of fun.

It's when I go out and have such a good time as I did last night that I remember why I use to like going out. Hanging with my friends and going out. Doing the things that I would like to do. It kinda brings out the old me.

Plus having someone show an interesting in you does make you feel good.

Emil Johnson

2007-09-19T09:00:00.001-04:00

Emil Johnson called because he has not received his subscription and demanded that we deliver it right to his door.

As he was shouting it at me I raised my voice to him as well. I'm sorry but the saying as to where the Customer is always right does not fly with me. Especially if they are yelling and completely rude to me I will give it right back.

and I just love the subscribers that feel they are the only one that gets the paper and I should know how they are and take care of them as if they mean anything to me at all.

I explained to him that we were not allowed to deliver the paper personally. as he kept I insisting that he deserved to have this paper delivered to him today and that I was to find someone here that could come and deliver his paper.

As I explain yet again that we (meaning anyone in the company) is not allowed to hand deliver the paper to a customer. But if he would like he is more thank welcome to stop over in the front office and pick up this weeks paper. (Now he lives in Ft plain and we are in Palatine bridge it is all of what maybe 10-15 minutes away depending on where about you live.

He then went off about he doesn't have time because he has to milk the cows and if I would like to come up there and milk the cows for him as he comes here to do my job.

Oh Boy did I bite my tongue (BIG TIME) I should get a raise for not ripping this guy a new asshole.

But I wasn't backing down and was giving it right back with attitude as he was giving it to me from the beginning.

There would be no way he would be even able to begin to understand or handle my job. (Maybe then he wouldn't be such as ass) Plus what does it take all day long to milk cows??? NOT!

Doesn't he have a wife or even a worker that could come down and pick it up for him. I'm sure he could spare 15-20 minutes out of his day to pick up a paper that he is in such dire needs to read.

Then he asked me if I thought the paper was important to read...... LOL now that is a joke. Are you kidding me?

HELL NO I don't think the paper is worth ready and why should I. I am not a farmer I could care less about what is in the paper so No No I don't think it is worth reading or that important.

So I said to him that he is the subscriber and that to him it is an important paper to read and since he feels that way he can come pick up the paper here in the office.

So he thought that I was saying I wouldn't send it to him and he mentioned to me about me not even mailing out the paper.

So I had to say well sir I would be happy to mail you out the paper but you didn't want that. You said you wanted the paper hand delivered to you TODAY! (and I hope I sounded very condescending)

To this all he would do was spit and sputter a bit.

I also told him that I could not possible know if there was a problem with his paper unless he calls to tell me but I could not find out instantaneously what the problem was. It would take a little time After all I was dealing with the United State Post Office and being a part of the government we all know how that goes.

To which he huffed and say yeah good luck with that and I said exactly, so why is it you think I would be able to fix your problem in just a few minutes?

Don't piss me off and because I don't back down especially when I am being attacked for no reason.

See this just confirms that MEN are ASSHOLES!

Cable Guy

2007-09-18T12:17:00.000-04:00

My brother is the Time Warner Man

He has been working for TW for .....hmmmm....lets see....almost two years now or maybe it has already surpassed the two year mark but anyway he is the Time Warner Cable Guy!

He installs the cable, hooks up the Internet, fixes any problems that may arise.

Here he is at work.

This is in front of my parents house.

He is replacing an old cable line with a new line.

He's up there quiet high isn't he!!!

That's my dad standing on the ground just watching my brother....... he calls it supervising...LOL

Fonda Fair

2007-09-17T09:22:00.000-04:00

It's not what it use to be but I still went to the Fonda Fair.

I don't go for the rides nor do I go to check out all the booths. The reason I like going is to check out the animals. The horses, the goats, rabbits, even the cows.

So I got a few good shots.

Toms Cove

2007-09-14T21:55:00.000-04:00

One of my most favorite places to be is at the beach by the ocean!

I feel at peace when I am there.

Any stress, worries, or problems I may have melt away. I'm not saying that the ocean fixes everything but it allows me the chances to relax and lose myself for a while. It allows my mind to go blank which everyone needs to be able to do from time to time.

I have never felt more at home as I do when I am at the ocean.

Wednesday and Thursday we spend all day at the beach in Chincoteague.

I took a collage of pictures of everything from the waves, the people on beach and in the water to the birds and sand.

Hope you enjoy!

When You're Gone

2007-09-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take

Do you see how much I need you right now?

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

Assateague Lighthouse

2007-09-10T09:30:00.000-04:00

Kim and I also went to visit the lighthouse on the island.

Unfortunately the tours were only Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we were leaving Friday morning. We didn't get the chance to go up to the top but we sure did enjoy getting eaten up alive by the monsterous mosquitos that tried to suck us dry!

It was so bad we had to douse ourselves with Off bug spray even on our clothes!

D U C K - - - - Mallard

2007-09-08T19:30:00.000-04:00

Ducks, Ducks, everywhere are DUCKS!

As you already know we stayed at a nice hotel on the water and wouldn't you know that there were Ducks and birds everywhere!

In the morning you'd get woken up by the seagulls and the ducks making such ruckus from little Churchill throwing food to them. (Didn't we not notice the don't feed the seagull and ducks sign???)

Who is Churchill? That is for another blogg.

CLOSE UP

Out for their morning swim.....

Waterside

2007-09-06T15:21:00.000-04:00

We went to Chincoteague Island, VA and stayed at the Waterside Inn.

http://www.watersidemotorinn.com

I was pleasantly surprised at the hotel we stayed in. Never being there we had to go with information we found on the internet and you know how hard that is to really truly go by.

But the rooms were very spacious and clean. There was a tiny refridgerator and a coffee maker, TV, hair dryer, closet, and a nice balcony overlooking the bay.

There was a heated pool that was open until 1am and they have their own private pier that you can dock your boat, go crabbing off or just sit and relax.

The Waterside Inn also had a continental breakfast which consists of a range of donuts, danishes, muffins, waffles, English muffins, coffee, juice or milk.

It was enough to get you going on your day and to safe you a few $$$.

It was a very good stay and I would recommend booking a room here at the Waterside Inn.

I look forward to returning there sometime hopefully soon.

Chincoteague Island

2007-09-05T13:26:00.000-04:00

My blogs will be all over the place for a while. I was trying to write them down in order but I do not have a lot of time on my hands now so I am hammering these out as I go along.

So just read and enjoy, stop your bitching and moaning.

I would suggest to anyone to go visit

the island. As you can see from the

mapsit is rather small and easily maneuverable.

There is not a lot to do so if you are looking for excitement and tons of activities then you might not like it there. But you are looking for some relaxation and a place to just get away from it all you can find it here.

Pictured here is the draw bridge that leads you over to the island.

unfortunately I never got to see it in action.

There are tiny shops for gifts and souvenirs. Plenty of restaurants to choose from. There is even miniature golf.

Most shops and restaurants are within walking distance (depending on where you are staying)

They have scooters, bicycles and even little cars you can rent to get around the island if you don't want to drive your vehicle or don't have a vehicle.

Aren't those cars cute!!!

You have the wild life preserve where you can walk the trails. Check out the wild ponies and the lighthouse.

Of course there is my favorite (The Beach).

Lots and lots of sand, sun and ocean to help melt the stress away.

Just laying there soaking up the sun, listening to the waves crash upon the shore was enough to sooth me. I also enjoyed people watching. I took tons of photos which you will be seeing in other blogs.

I Feel So Violated

2007-09-01T17:13:00.000-04:00

This was not my first time to the ocean more like my fourth or fifth time at least. But this was my first time really going into the waters more than just up to my knees.

We were getting the tail end of the Tropical storm so the waters were a bit rough and choppy.

Surprisingly the water was even warm. When I went to the ocean in MA and in NJ the water tended to be more on the cooler side.

I inched my way out into the water until this one HUGE wave came out of no where.

Completely blind sided me and knocked me right on my ass!

I laughed so hard and as I looked up Kim was busting a gut too.

As I tried to get up another wave came around and knocked me back down.

I was laughing so hard I couldn't even see.

so as the tide went out I managed to get myself up on my knees and quickly stand up, knock too long before another rough wave came crashing into me and knocked me over face first.

Now my swim suit was every which way and I had salt water in my mouth, laughing so hard I had tears pouring out (So was that just the salt water?)

I managed to muster enough strength to get up once again.

This time I was able to stay on my feet for a while.

There were other smaller children down the beach a bit playing, running and swimming in the same rough ocean and they didn't seem to have such troubles as I.

We noticed a few times that we were a ways down the beach from our chairs so we had to make our way back to where we started.

Only to have my knocked on my ass once again. This time I just sat there. It takes a lot out of you. This time I didn't even have to move. This huge wave come crashing down on top of me as I was sitting there and I found myself tumbled in the water along the beach. I mean I actually was flipped right over.

The only thing I could think of way "Oh My God, I'm going to drown or be pulled out to sea!" LOL

I felt SO VIOLATED!

I know I'm a little dramatic.

But I sat there laughing and as the water was pulled out to sea again the sand was being pulled out with the tide which was scraping my legs and ass, feeling like sand paper.

The few times I fell on my knees in the sand you would think, it's sand, can't hurt right?

WRONG! Sand burns. You can even ask Kim, She got some on her knees too.

I did eventually master the task of standing up and staying on my two feet in the ocean.

I just had to keep and eye on the waves and brace myself.

It was quiet the experience I will never forget.

Meet Happy Harry

2007-08-29T17:35:00.000-04:00

We kept passing this store called Happy Harry.

After about the third time seeing this store I just had to snap a picture.

What is Happy Harry?

Happy Harry is a Discount Drugs store

I had to get a better picture of the face.

Meet Happy Harry

Seems friendly enough doesn't he?

Lets take a closer look.......

When I took this close up of Happy Harry I looked at Kim and I said he looked like a damn child molester!!

That's why Harry looks so happy.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere is Signs

2007-08-28T20:31:00.000-04:00

OK, we get about an hour into our trip and I realize I left my cell phone in my car!

This bother me for a bit. My phone is my only connection to everyone. Plus I promised my mom and Tammy that I'd contact them to let them know I made it safely to Kim's.

It took me a bit but I got over that panicky feeling for not having my phone. Plus Kim said I could use her phone when I needed to.

We talked about what was going on in our lives, our families, men, friends, work etc.

We had a long road ahead of before we reached Chincoteague, VA

On our road trip we found many things amusing most of which were signs.

I happened to take a few snapshots of some along the way. The rest we were going to catch on the way back but we just never ended up seeing the signs and just wanted to get home. But I did manage to find them online.

So here we are waiting in line to fill up on gas.

I happened to look up and there it was. It struck me funny.

"Long Hoses"

I'm not even going ti get into all the innuendos of that.

But if you know me then you know what must have been going through my mind.

Then there comes WAWA.

When I saw that I was like, WAWA? What the Heck is a WAWA.

How did they come up with that name?

Kim and I laughed about this and joked about this through the whole vacation.

We later found out what WAWA is, it is a mini mart. http://www.wawa.com/

Then here comes this guy.

We Buy Ugly Houses. Not that strange of a sign but we kept seeing this build board every so many miles.

We did however, wonder what there website looked like and to see exactly what kind of an ugly house they buy. I found the site online so check it out (Nothing major) http://www.homevestors.com/

I wish I had my camera out and ready at the time because we came across something we continually made jokes about. "Willy's Farms"

You can't make these things up!

They cultivate and grow "Willy's" -- big ones, small ones, short ones, tall ones. Willy's of all shapes and sizes prepped and ready to go!

Unfortunately I don't have a picture of that sign.

But I did come across another Willy I took a picture of.

Uncle Willie's

Any relation to the Willie Farm?? LOL

Yes, those are the gas prices down there in VA. $2.52 for reg. I should have brought my gas can!!

This was just the beginning.........

How It All Begins

2007-08-24T07:54:00.001-04:00

I was on vacation this week (Aug 20th).

My girlfriend, Kim and I, headed down to Chincoteague Island, VA.

Last week I had a bad feeling that something was going to happen with my car. For some reason something always happens with my car when I plan a trip.

That weekend I prepared for the trip. Got my bags packed, Maxx was taken care of, and Salem was all set.

Sunday night I packed the car and Monday morning I was up by 4am. I had a 3 hour drive ahead of me. I was driving to Kim's in CT and then we were heading out from there.

When I was all ready to leave I couldn't find my keys. I looked all over and then thought if I even brought them in with me when I came home.

There they were in the car..... Brilliant move Einstein.

OK, now I packed the rest of my bags and started my car. I need to top off my gas so I headed to the gas station where I filled up. Unfortunately I left my lights on only for a few seconds (just enough to fill my tank) I get back in my car and wouldn't you know it, It wouldn't start.

The lights worked but it just wouldn't turn over. I called Paul to see if he has jumper cables and he didn't.

Then I called my mom to see if Steve (My brother) had some and could come down and give me jump.

It seemed like an eternity until he showed up. I was getting impatient. and once he started me I was afraid to shut the car off. I needed a new battery.

It was 6:30 in the morning. Nobody was open at the hour, besides I had to get back on the road. I was to be at Kim's around 9am.

So I drive the whole 3 hours non stop.

But along the way I did see some turkeys (HUGE) and a few deer along the thruway. It was just beautiful. I wasn't going to let my car issues put a damper on my vacation.

Something always happens and I'm starting to get use to that. Like I said I had a feeling, intuition, premonition you name it, that something was going to happen before I even headed out.

But I made it and in good time. I reach Kim's about 9:30am.

That was the start.......

Stay tuned for more

Strangers Touch

2007-08-23T09:45:00.000-04:00

I've been doing some soul searching
Feel guilty as a girl can feel
I've got no business smiling, beguiling
I'm caught up in a triangle
No future in this shape I'm in
So what do I find so appealing in stealing

Tell me
How come a stranger's touch can thrill me so much
My heart's in jeopardy
He's overpowering me
Oh what'll I do

I wasn't lookin' around
You know I'm happy with you
You're a part of me that I can't replace
But he touched my heart in a new place
He found a space

Tell me
How come a stranger's touch can thrill me so much
My heart's in jeopardy
He's overpowering me
Oh what'll I do

Hello All

2007-08-23T07:49:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. I know I haven't blogged in a few days but that is because I'm on vacation in VA!!!

Chincoteague Island.

I have lots to blog about when I get back. But to make it quick and sweet....... I'm having lots of fun.

See you all when I get back.

Kisses

VACATION

2007-08-18T20:33:00.000-04:00

I'm heading down to VA with my gf Kim.

I know we both need to get away and just have some time to chill out.

Without distractions from work, family, and men. Half the time I am not even sure about my life anymore. Where I am at, where I am heading. I'm not one for status quo. I alway like to improve, make better, experience new places and things.

Kim and I haven't seen each other in a while. We send e-mails from time to time, so we have a lot to catch up on.

Going to Chincoteague Island. We got a nice little place on the beach.

The weather better be nice!

Who knows maybe I won't come back........

OCD

2007-08-14T20:15:00.000-04:00

Being with someone who has OCD can be a very difficult task.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as hand washing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety.

Signs and symptoms
Obsessive-compulsive disorder symptoms include both obsessions and compulsions. OCD symptoms can be severe and time-consuming. For instance, someone who feels that his or her hands have become contaminated by germs — an obsession — may spend hours washing them each day — a compulsion. The focus on hand washing may be so great that he or she can accomplish little else.

Obsessions
OCD obsessions are repeated, persistent, unwanted ideas, thoughts, images or impulses that you experience involuntarily and that appear to be senseless. These obsessions typically intrude when you're trying to think of or do other things.

Typical OCD obsessions revolve around:

Fear of contamination or dirt
Repeated doubts
Having things orderly and symmetrical
Aggressive or horrific impulses
Sexual images

OCD symptoms involving obsessions may include:

Fear of being contaminated by shaking hands or by touching objects others have touched
Doubts that you've locked the door or turned off the stove
Repeated thoughts that you've hurt someone in a traffic accident
Intense distress when objects aren't orderly, lined up properly or facing the right way
Images of hurting your child
Impulses to shout obscenities in inappropriate situations
Avoidance of situations that can trigger obsessions, such as shaking hands
Replaying pornographic images in your mind
Dermatitis because of frequent hand washing
Skin lesions because of picking at the skin
Hair loss or bald spots because of hair pulling

Compulsions
Compulsions are repetitive behaviors that you feel driven to perform. These repetitive behaviors are meant to prevent or reduce anxiety or distress related to your obsessions. For instance, if you believe you ran over someone in your car, you may return to the scene over and over because you just can't shake your doubts. You may even make up rules or rituals to follow that help control the anxiety you feel when having obsessive thoughts.

Typical compulsions revolve around:

Washing and cleaning
Counting
Checking
Demanding reassurances
Repeating actions over and over
Arranging and making items appear orderly

OCD symptoms involving compulsions may include:

Washing hands until the skin becomes raw
Checking doors repeatedly to make sure they're locked
Checking the stove repeatedly to make sure it's off
Counting in certain patterns

This should not be confused with being Anal Retentive - often used to describe a person deemed to be overly obsessed with minor details such as meticulousness, avarice, and obstinacy, originating in habits, attitudes.

The term is often used in a derogatory sense to describe a person with such attention to detail that the obsession becomes an annoyance to others, and can be carried out to the detriment of the so-called anal-retentive person.

I am anal retentive. When it comes to cooking or any dealing with foods. I have to see or know that the plates, bowls, pans etc are rinsed and clear of any dust, hair or dirt.

If I find a hair in my food I can not eat it.

But I don't feel something bad will happen or that the world will end if I find a hair or the kitchen utensil isn't washed properly. I just won't eat the food.

Mike has OCD. and about many things. He can not eat any food he touches, before he leaves the house he checks the door lock a several times (knowing that his door is always locked in the first place). He uses plastic forks, knives and spoons. that is only a few of his OCD issues.

These don' t seem as troublesome as other people's OCD issues. Most of the time I find that funny and just end up shaking my head.

But then again, I always seem to be shaking my head at Mike.

Cute vs Sexy

2007-08-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

Cute
1. Clever; sharp; shrewd; ingenious; cunning.
2. pleasantly attractive, in a delicate way; - said of children, young ladies, pet animals and some objects, but seldom of adults; as, a cute child; a cute kitten; a cute little house; a cute statue.
3. smart-Alec or impertinent; as, a cute remark.
4. affectedly clever.

Sexy
1. Arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest.
2. Slang Highly appealing or interesting; attractive:

Now granted, I am no porn star or runway model but where was it stated that unless you are at least 5'8" or taller and have long legs that you can't be sexy?

I've always been called cute. No matter what I wear or don't wear, no matter I do or even say the first thing that people call me is cute.

I don't get the: "You look sexy" I get: "You look cute"

I don't get the: "That looks hot on you" I get the: "That looks cute or adorable"

Don't get me wrong, cute is OK but puppies are cute, kitten are cute.

But sometimes I want to be called sexy or told I look sexy.

But I guess it is just in my nature to look, act and be "Cute"

So I guess I wont ever have to worry about losing the status of being sexy.

How Easy We Forget

2007-08-11T21:19:00.000-04:00

When something bad happens we always swear up and down that we will never do that again. We say how we are going to change, that will never happen again.

Who are we trying to kid here? Is it that we are trying to convince the one we have hurt or disappointed or is it more like we are trying to convince ourselves.

Knowing deep down that we won't ever change. Yes, we will hurt you again. It is only a matter of time before we forget what we had done and promised. Now only a dull and faded memory.

The thought of "Oh well they are over it, it is forgotten"

But is it? Is it really ever forgotten?

Sure we get over it and move on but it is still there in the back of our mind. Every hurt, every tear, every heartbreaking incident. We make excuses for the pain that is thrusted upon us.

They are human, they make mistakes, they won't do it again (That's a good one)
I have to change the way I think, feel, act, or should I say react.

Still doesn't work, does it?

So why do so many people stay? Why not cut losses early and get out?

Love? Hope? Failure? Want? Need?

But even that has its limits. When you get burned out from the hurt, the pain, the heartache, the fear, the sadness, the full range of emotions that leaves you drained.

Not so easy to forget then.

Save A Frog

2007-08-08T21:14:00.000-04:00

This year seems we have a lot of amphibians around the pool area.

There has been countless number of frogs already found dead in the pool.

A few have been lucky to have been spotted before too long and scooped out.

Well tonight was their lucky night!

I headed down to my parents house to go swimming at 8pm. The air still has a heaviness about it. The crickets and other night creatures were already starting to sing their songs filling the night air.

At first touch the water seemed to be a bit chilled but that didn't stop me from diving in.

The coolness of the water caresses my body and I hit the bottom of the pool feet first and push up to reach the top and gasp for air.

I slowly glide through the pool, over to the ladder. As I turn my head there we were, face to face.

I was taken a back by this small but big frog. I didn't want him to drown so I scooped him out onto the patio and shewed him away to safety.

I had to laugh to myself as I replayed the whole drama in my mind.

I was thinking how he wanted to join me for a nightly swim in the pool and was probably upset that I shewed him off.

It was getting late and I was all cooled off so I decided to call it a night.

I grabbed my towel and was about to place it on the stairs leading to the deck. I saw something from the corner of my eye on the step just above the one I was placing my towel on and suddenly it JUMPED!

I screamed and then caught my breath. It was another froggy. I started to laugh because is startled me.

I hopped to the edge of the step facing the pool. I was so afraid it would jump into the pool so I put my hands up to coerce him into my hands so I can move him to safety. All the while saying in my head "Don't Jump!"

As I picked him up he leaped out of my hands and landed smack dab on Paul's foot.

"OOOOHhhhh Froggy!"

I told Paul to face his foot away from the pool so I can guide him to the grass.

The Guided the frog off to safety, as he hopped off in the night I smiled.......another good deed.

If you think that this blog sounds crazy wait til I tell you about my squirrel encounter......

Good Bye

2007-08-06T12:04:00.000-04:00

This weekend I had to say a heart breaking goodbye

I still get choked up when I think about him. How he must have been feeling. When I think about the look in his eyes and just how he looked when I left for work that Thursday I just want to burst out crying all over again.

He was my baby. He loved me unconditionally. He was always there to comfort me when I was sad, lonely, or upset. He came into my life from out of no wheres and that is how he seemed to have left me.

I got Powder from the Ayres Animal Shelter.

I went up to get a kitten and was looking around when out of no where this big white cat appears. Paul picked him up and handed him to me. I knew right then and there that he was the one meant to come home with me. He was already about 2 years old (No where near kitten stage) bit he was just so lovable.

The funny thing was that he had just been adopted a week prior so the woman that was working there looked like she had seen a ghost when I asked her about this big white cat. She looked it up in her files and the cats name was snowball (Yuck) She was going to check with the family that had taken him and would let me know.

On the way back from the store I stopped back to see the progress and she said if I wanted him he was all mine.

The rest was history.

When I hugged him he purred so loud that when he nuzzled his face into my ear and purred it tickled and made me laugh. He couldn't wait to cuddle with me on the couch and when I was ready for bed he was ready too. He would jump up as I held the comforter open for him to crawl under and snuggle into the crook of my arm. There he would lay until morning when it was time to get up.

As you can see from some of the pictures he was a very well taken care of cat. Pleasantly plump.

When I started to notice him thinner I was a little alarmed. However, he was still eating normally.

A few weeks ago I noticed that he didn't seem to be eating as voraciously as he use to. I knew he had a few bad teeth but I just didn't have the money to take him to the vet yet to see if that is why he lost so much weight. I was able to hand feed him. I coaxed him to eat his food at the same time being able to keep track of how much he was eating. He seemed to have gained a little more weight.

I came home Thursday from work to find that the backdoor was opened slightly. I searched for Powder in all the hiding places in the house and I couldn't find him anywhere.

I had a gut feeling that he had gotten outside and went off to die.

Part of me was relieved because I feared coming home to find him dead which would have completely destroyed me. But then there was another part of me that felt horrible because I couldn't have helped save him.

Salem (My other cat) misses Powder too. The past few days all she does is follow me and want me to pet her and give her attention. If you knew her she wasn't much for that kind of thing only once in a while. I know she is wondering where Powder is and why he isn't coming back. I feel that Salem knows I am sad too and tries to comfort me.

I will never forget My baby Powder. He was the best cat anyone could ever have.

Sorry For the Delay

2007-08-04T16:21:00.000-04:00

Hey folks,

Sorry I haven't posted much lately. I do have some blogs rolling around in my head. I just can't seem to find enough time to get them typed.

Work has been busy plus I am getting ready for my road trip/vacation.

But I promise I will try to get some blogs out to you real soon.

stay tuned

Young Grasshopper

2007-07-24T16:18:00.000-04:00

Monday was a rainy day, so when Tammy and I went out for our afternoon break we stood underneath the shelter where the central air system was.

We both happened to notice, at the same time, a tiny grasshopper that was sitting right on top of the central air unit, looking like it was holding on for dear life.

The fan was blowing the air up and out of the top. Every once in a while you would see its leg lift up, not really sure if he wind took hold of it or if it got tired of holding on to the grate too tightly.

I'm not really sure which one of use said it first but we said, "No, Don't jump, don't do it! He's not worth it."

"Just hang in there a little longer. You'll find another grasshopper that will be so much better, treat you better and even have a bigger "WINK, WINK"

Then we laughed about it. First of all because we automatically assumed it was a female and were talked her up. Then because this tiny little grasshopper still had our attention while still holding on. Which got us thinking...... hmmmmm.

This AC unit vibrates while it is running, could it be.....maybe....mayeb it was contemplating suicide - maybe it was ummmmmm trying to get off.

So now we are laughing hysterically at the thoughts that were running through our minds of this grasshopper sitting purposely on the AC unit to enjoy the vibration and here we are disturbing her pleasure.

A few of our other co-workers were looking at us strangely as we were making such a ruckus. So we gave them the short condensed version of the grasshopper needing to be rescued.

Suddenly the tiny creature attempted to move across the grate. I was afraid it would either fall in or get blown off the unit. Between the two of us (Tammy and I) we slowly assisted the grasshopper to safety.

Go, run free little grasshopper.

LOL OMG

Mike would be so proud of me.

Look honey I saved a grasshopper....aren't you proud of me?

I Never Measure Up

2007-07-17T17:37:00.000-04:00

It really sucks to be my own counselor.

Why?

Because being my own counselor I have to diagnose myself. I can't just let myself be upset, mad or sad.

I have to look at all the sides and play out all the scenarios. I have to be understanding to where someone else is coming from. Making all excuses as to why they say what they did, why they feel they way they do, or think the way they think. But do they see it from my POV?

No, No they don't.

I'm so tired of feeling like I just can never measure up!

I can see where my actions come from. Why it is I am always looking for better, striving for better.

It comes from my baggage I have with my parents.

It just never seems like I can do enough to please them. It is always something that I could do to be better to make that happier.

If I had a better job, if I lost weight, if I could keep my house immaculate just maybe they would love me more. I would be the perfect person they want me to be.

Nothing is said when I have my house clean for days or weeks on end. Just when I happened to be on the run and don't have time to get things put away. Nothing is said when I go above and beyond my job. Nothing is said if I lose a pound or two only that some article of clothing I have one makes me look fat.

I have been struggling the past few months to keep my head above water. To beat this depression I happened to have stumbled head on into.

I am happy to say I have been doing very well. I have been slowly getting back to "me"
It is hard when I have so much around me that affects me and makes me feel the way I have been.

But I thought I had been doing a lot better. Improving on my life and then to get slammed today by my parents, makes me feel like all my hard work has been pulled out from under me. A set back.

I know, you're saying just let it go, shrug it off... it is easier said than done. When you h ave the same words playing over and over in your head. It's hard to get over.

I won't ever measure up to my parents expectations.

I don't even think I can or will ever measure up to my expectations.

Get Off Your High Horse

2007-07-12T13:37:00.000-04:00

I guess I'm just a different type of person.

Usually I am always thinking of how other people feel. How what I do would affect them. What I say or even how I say it would make them feel or think.

I'm not perfect, believe me I make mistakes but when I make mistakes I seriously and sincerely try to fix it or make sure I don't make that same mistake again.

I do have one exception when I might not be thinking as clearly or thoughtfully as I should and that would be when I am upset or pissed right off.

I admit I say things I shouldn't say, things I don't mean because I am hurt, mad, or upset. I have even been known to say thing purposely to hurt someone if I have been hurt myself.

But I do apologise after things have settled.

But when some people think they are so much better than others, when they think they are all that and a bag of chips and they come across that way when there is no need for it it really irks me to no end.

I am so lucky I have much restraint for not just blurting out what I think and feel when shit like this happens. I would probably be fired or in fights all the time.

Let me give you a little sample of what I am talking about.

An e-mail was send around work about with all the work that had been done to the parking lot to expand it to make room for more cars to park that there is no need for people to be parking in the motorcycle area or handicapped spots.

OK this I can understand being sent to make employees aware. But now there is a comment made about how it should be common knowledge of how this is suppose to work in the first place.

Now to me, that is very uncalled for. It makes it sound like we are all imbeciles.

Yes, the parking lot is expanded. But with the big trucks that come in with paper rolls and ink it is very hard to park at one end of the lot. Also how most people park they park crooked or so spaced out that it prevents normal parking spots to be use. My problem is when I park out in a certain area of the parking lot other people who park there are not as considerate when opening their doors. I had one person put their cigarette out on the hood of my car.

But no matter to that I understand what the underlying message is of the email.

But like I said previously, the comment made after stating the fact was uncalled for.
Sounding snobbish.

So yes, I guess it should be common knowledge as to the rules of the parking lot but I also thought it was common knowledge that you are not suppose to drink and drive.

Guess we all make mistakes

How Do You Fall In Love

2007-07-12T13:34:00.000-04:00

How do you fall in love
How do you say I do
When is the perfect time
To spend the rest of your life

Seasons may come and go
And sometimes it rains and snows
And there will be highs and lows
So only you will know

You never know just where it will find you
cause it can come on you so fast
Seems like it takes forever
When you want it so bad

But dont ever take it for granted
cause its more than sowing some seeds
It takes sun and water
So give it what it needs
And thats how you fall in love

Thats when you say I do
Thats when you know its time
To spend the rest of your life

Now seasons may come and go
And sometimes it rains and snows
There will be highs and lows
So only you will know

Working for the Weekend

2007-07-09T13:42:00.000-04:00

Things have been very stressful in my life recently.

How quickly everything seems to fall apart.

Usually I do well shouldering it all and somehow managing to get through it.

But it takes it toll and I think that everything has finally hit me very hard.

This past weekend Mike made sure that I had a very good weekend.

For the first time in a long while I felt like things were just about back to normal.

We went to bed at a decent time, we both woke up at a decent hour (at least I thought so) and enjoyed the time we spent together.

No Stress, no tension, No Fighting.

Mike even went to played his D&D game. I was going to come home while he went to play but he wanted me to stay and convinced me to. He followed through with what he said he was going to do which is not play all night long. He said he would start early and get home at a agreed time and not get blitzed.

I don't think he realizes how much that this weekend meant to me. He gave me some normalcy to my life that I am missing and been needing to get back.

What's Meant To Be

2007-07-09T12:48:00.002-04:00

Soulmate (or soul mate) is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility.

People often say that there is one “Soul Mate” out there for everyone.

It’s a romantic way to think of things and this just may be true.

There may be just one person out there in this great big world that fits us like a glove - body, heart, mind and soul. When someone knows you so well that you really do feel as one when you are together. You know exactly what each other is thinking or feeling. When you do get in disagreements, one of your stops and just simply says “I love you” and that just dissolves everything.

It is very rare but occasionally it does happen.

What about the rest of the population who has not been as lucky to find their “Soul Mate”??

Are we to live a miserable lonely existence?

I believe that we have many different types of loves in our life.
If we are lucky, we learn from each relationship. The mistakes we make, hopefully we take and correct to make the next relationship better. We will go through many loves and heartaches growing from each experience. Until we come across a “Great Love”

There are only a few “Great Loves” that we will encounter. These loves are a more serious relationship. Yes, each relationship is different, your compatibility may not be an exact fit. You may have different interests, ideas, or thoughts but you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work and to make the other person happy.

You can’t waste your life just waiting for that perfect soul mate. They might never ever show up. Even for a soul mate sometime things just are not meant to be.

So when do you know which love you have?

Are you willing to do something you know won't make you happy just to see the other person smile?

Are you willing to sacrifice what might make you happy just to make the one you love happy?

When something good or bad happens are they the first person you call or can’t wait to share your news with (no matter how silly, stupid or outrageous it may be)?

If you answered YES to some and NO to some then you have a love. You care about this person but you aren't willing to go above and beyond

If you answer yes to all of them and and are in fact doing all the above then you have a Great Love. You are gong above and beyond what it take to make things work and to make them happy. Their happiness is more important that yours. (but sadly enough even this has it's limits)

If you have that automatic understanding, there is no need for words, being so in-tune with each other then you have a soul mate.