I've had a lot on my mind for quiet some time. It isn't any "one" thing but a whole lot of different things.
What popped into my mind today was something I have not thought about in a very long time.
I don't know why I thought of it and of all places to have it come running through my mind the shower is not the ideal place for me.
But come to think of it, that is where I ponder most of my thoughts or at least that is where they pop into my head.
Come to think of it again, it might be an appropriate place after all. For this is where it all started.
I believe things happen for a reason but sometimes you can't help but feel guilty or regret, resentment or even hatred for the things that do happen.
When I was young, about 17, I found out I was pregnant.
My BF at the time, I thought I was madly in love with, wasn't the greatest of all people. We had our share of trouble but I was young and he was my first of everything. At first he was happy and supportive but then he wasn't so sure. That was not exactly the time to be unsure of how he felt. Be it about me or the baby.
I was scared and called a hot line. They in turn was helping me by taking me to some place where pregnant teens could stay, get school while they were pregnant and then have the baby, at which time they would be on their own.
Well to condense the story a bit, we ended in a accident the night of the prom. He was severely injured and became paralyzed.
This was a trying time for me. I was confused, scared and of course mostly (at that time) a good girl so I listened to what my parents said. The only thing I was thinking about was my BF. how he was doing. If he would even make it through.
My parents decided that it would be best to terminate the pregnancy. I didn't have much time because I was bordering on the trimesters. Of course, mind you I was only 17, the only support I had was my parents, I didn't even know if my BF was going to live or not. So I just went along with what they wanted.
I do wish I was stronger then. The whole things was a big blur. I know we went to NYC. The night prior to the appointment I had a really bad dream. It's all fuzzy now but I know it was about the baby. Kind of like he was talking to me.
Everything was scary. There were protesters outside. The office was filled with girls/women varying in age. I overheard this one girl had been there numerous times before. I was told that when coming out of the anesthesia I may react in different ways. Some people cry, others get sick, some just don't know where they are.
I remember that when I came to my mom was there and I pushed her away and I started to cry. I knew deep inside I did not want to do this. I wanted the baby.
I tried to rationalize that it was the best thing for me to have done given the situation. I was still in school, my bf was still in school now who knew if he would even survive. What kind of life would I be able to have given my baby? And the idea of giving it up for adoption, not knowing where or who my baby would be with I just couldn't do.
My parents never talked about it or mentioned it again. I felt empty inside.
I have always wanted a baby and I believe that going through that made my feelings for having a baby even stronger.
I know it is not the reason for my infertility but I cannot help to feel that guilt that I am now paying for not being strong enough back then to stand up to my parents and say no I want my baby. So now I feel hurt because I can't seem to have a baby. I feel resentment towards my parents for making be abort my child. I feel guilty every day of my life. Sometimes I even hate those who take what I can't have for granted. Those who do not cherish the ability to be able to feel a life grow inside of them and enjoy every minute. Those who do it for all the wrong reasons.
I've suppressed my feelings for a very long time and very rarely, if ever do I talk about it to anyone. I have come to realize that every year I do get depressed around October. At first I always thought it was because winter was right around the corner but it isn't hat. It's because that is when my baby would have been born. I've even suppressed my feeling for even wanting children. I just don't think of it anymore. I limit myself from those who do at least those with infants.
I would almost go as far as saying I would make a deal with the devil to be able to be pregnant and have my own baby.
But that is silly, after all we know that isn't possible...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Bad Weekend
This has been one of the most horrible weekends I've had in a while.
NO -- I'm NOT OK
NO -- I'm NOT Happy
NO -- I'm NOT going to just forget about it and
NO -- I'm NOT going to get over it
Sorry don't mean anything anymore. It loses it's meaning and affect after the second time and this is WAY past the second time.
It shouldn't matter what my reason is for not liking the drinking, but I feel they are reasonable reasons nonetheless. How it makes me feel should be the important key factor. Disregards to that just means you really don't care how it makes me feel.
I feel I'm not that difficult. I'm even willing to work and come to a compromise but when that is thrown back in my face and I come up with the losing end on that then that is unacceptable.
Why should I even try to compromise anymore when the other end isn't going to me met anyways.
NO -- Why should I even try again? because it won't stick..... IT NEVER STICKS!
Can't even get through one day with the agreement we make. So NO, why should I believe anything.
GIVE ME a reason to believe what you say you will do.
SHOW ME proof that what you say you will do. Because thus far 98% of what you say you never do so that does not show me or give me reason to believe what you say you will do will happen. Just gives me proof against you.
I have to go think now before I say something that may hurt or won't be so nice.
NO -- I'm NOT OK
NO -- I'm NOT OK
NO -- I'm NOT Happy
NO -- I'm NOT going to just forget about it and
NO -- I'm NOT going to get over it
Sorry don't mean anything anymore. It loses it's meaning and affect after the second time and this is WAY past the second time.
It shouldn't matter what my reason is for not liking the drinking, but I feel they are reasonable reasons nonetheless. How it makes me feel should be the important key factor. Disregards to that just means you really don't care how it makes me feel.
I feel I'm not that difficult. I'm even willing to work and come to a compromise but when that is thrown back in my face and I come up with the losing end on that then that is unacceptable.
Why should I even try to compromise anymore when the other end isn't going to me met anyways.
NO -- Why should I even try again? because it won't stick..... IT NEVER STICKS!
Can't even get through one day with the agreement we make. So NO, why should I believe anything.
GIVE ME a reason to believe what you say you will do.
SHOW ME proof that what you say you will do. Because thus far 98% of what you say you never do so that does not show me or give me reason to believe what you say you will do will happen. Just gives me proof against you.
I have to go think now before I say something that may hurt or won't be so nice.
NO -- I'm NOT OK
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Whats Up?
I know, I know, it's been a while since I've written.
What can I say? I just haven't been motivated enough to write. Plus it is harder when you don’t have internet access right at your finger tips......
But some good news! My dearest Darling Friend and next door neighbor, Danny got his wireless router hooked up and came over last night to make sure I can leech off his wireless. (Isn't he just a doll? I could just hug and kiss him!)
So I downloaded all my song I had on my external hard drive onto his new laptop and he made sure I was hooked up!
So I just might be able to write a little more, that is if I am more inspired to do so. I guess I just have to make myself do it.
Let’s see, what else has been going on..... I've been hanging out a lot on e-bay checking out what is on there. I've got a kewl Godsmack butane lighter coming in a few days!
This winter is really kicking my ass. I got use to the easy mild winters we've had the past few years that didn't start until mid January. This winter started the end of October and only managed to stay cold and snowy all season thus far.
That is a very long long time without regular heat!
I had to take my dog to the vet about three weeks ago. I came home from work one night and he couldn't get up. Once I helped him up he could barely walk. He is a black lab mix, 14 years old and 73 lbs. This makes him about 88 yrs old in human years.
I thought maybe he had hip dysphasia. But turns out he just has very bad arthritis and degenerative mylopathy. He now takes medicine and for the most part is doing fine. He has his moments but don't we all?!
Today I took my cat up to get spayed. I couldn't take the meowing any longer.
Mike and I haven't been doing so well. But this past weekend he really proved himself to be capable of making me happy. Now is only he keeps doing that!
I'm still in the process of finding what makes me happy and doing things for myself for once.
My mom on the other hand hasn't been doing so well. Right now it's her kidneys I forget what percentage is failing but the doctors believe that is what is causing the swelling in her legs and face.
I have a lot of things that are mulling around in my head for the spring and summer. I have a lot of work I want to get done around my place. Plus I would really like to go away on vacation again. Not sure where exactly but I know I would like to go to the ocean again. That's where I feel the happiest, carefree.
Well that's about it for now. Hopefully that will tide you over until I have something more worthy to write about.
What can I say? I just haven't been motivated enough to write. Plus it is harder when you don’t have internet access right at your finger tips......
But some good news! My dearest Darling Friend and next door neighbor, Danny got his wireless router hooked up and came over last night to make sure I can leech off his wireless. (Isn't he just a doll? I could just hug and kiss him!)
So I downloaded all my song I had on my external hard drive onto his new laptop and he made sure I was hooked up!
So I just might be able to write a little more, that is if I am more inspired to do so. I guess I just have to make myself do it.
Let’s see, what else has been going on..... I've been hanging out a lot on e-bay checking out what is on there. I've got a kewl Godsmack butane lighter coming in a few days!
This winter is really kicking my ass. I got use to the easy mild winters we've had the past few years that didn't start until mid January. This winter started the end of October and only managed to stay cold and snowy all season thus far.
That is a very long long time without regular heat!
I had to take my dog to the vet about three weeks ago. I came home from work one night and he couldn't get up. Once I helped him up he could barely walk. He is a black lab mix, 14 years old and 73 lbs. This makes him about 88 yrs old in human years.
I thought maybe he had hip dysphasia. But turns out he just has very bad arthritis and degenerative mylopathy. He now takes medicine and for the most part is doing fine. He has his moments but don't we all?!
Today I took my cat up to get spayed. I couldn't take the meowing any longer.
Mike and I haven't been doing so well. But this past weekend he really proved himself to be capable of making me happy. Now is only he keeps doing that!
I'm still in the process of finding what makes me happy and doing things for myself for once.
My mom on the other hand hasn't been doing so well. Right now it's her kidneys I forget what percentage is failing but the doctors believe that is what is causing the swelling in her legs and face.
I have a lot of things that are mulling around in my head for the spring and summer. I have a lot of work I want to get done around my place. Plus I would really like to go away on vacation again. Not sure where exactly but I know I would like to go to the ocean again. That's where I feel the happiest, carefree.
Well that's about it for now. Hopefully that will tide you over until I have something more worthy to write about.
Friday, February 08, 2008
They Say Its Your Birthday...Its My Birthday Too!
Happy Birthday to Me! LOL
Another year older!
It was actually a pretty good day.
Most people my age want to forget about their birthday days....but why??? I don't want to forget about my birthday. It's MY DAY after all! LOL
My co-workers/friends made my day very pleasant. We had a smorgasbord of delicious food: Veggie platter, fruit platter, cheese & crackers, cheesecake, some kind of cherry chocolate cake.....
Many birthday wishes, phone calls, emails, and myspace msgs.
So I wanted to thank everyone for sharing and making my day very special.
Another year older!
It was actually a pretty good day.
Most people my age want to forget about their birthday days....but why??? I don't want to forget about my birthday. It's MY DAY after all! LOL
My co-workers/friends made my day very pleasant. We had a smorgasbord of delicious food: Veggie platter, fruit platter, cheese & crackers, cheesecake, some kind of cherry chocolate cake.....
Many birthday wishes, phone calls, emails, and myspace msgs.
So I wanted to thank everyone for sharing and making my day very special.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
2008 Super Bowl
So I'm sititng here half watching the Super Bowl.
It's a tradition that I haven't broken for years. The commericals use to be to die for but now the majority of them are BORING!
It's the second quarter and I have only seen two or three commercials I liked.
Come tomorrow I probably won't even remember them so what good are they?
I like the Budweiser Clydesdale horses. The one where the horse (Hank I belive his name was) didn't make the team and the dog took him and trained him. The Next year he made it. Those horses are SO Beautiful.
The second one I liked and can still remember is the Sobe Water for Life commercial. All these little salamander, gecko type lizards did the "Thriller" dance. It was cute.
The Planters peanut commercial where the girl was like "Ugly Betty" was funny.
OK, I just saw a commerical for Amazon.com mp3s. It had Justin Timberlake. At first I thought it was stupid but..... at the end he gets clobbered in the head with a car door so that was worth seeing.
Even the half time entertainment isn't as good as it use to be.
They are so afraid of offending someone so they play it safe and now have become... "Y A W N" BORING! Grow a back bone. The majority of people watching the game wpuldn't even thik twice about it, never the less realize what had actaully happened since it it usually just a matter of seconds that it airs.
So what, like you have never seen a tit before? Never heard any one swear or be suggestive? Come on people I think the country has more to be concerned about than a few seconds of what they consider "improper" television.
It's a tradition that I haven't broken for years. The commericals use to be to die for but now the majority of them are BORING!
It's the second quarter and I have only seen two or three commercials I liked.
Come tomorrow I probably won't even remember them so what good are they?
I like the Budweiser Clydesdale horses. The one where the horse (Hank I belive his name was) didn't make the team and the dog took him and trained him. The Next year he made it. Those horses are SO Beautiful.
The second one I liked and can still remember is the Sobe Water for Life commercial. All these little salamander, gecko type lizards did the "Thriller" dance. It was cute.
The Planters peanut commercial where the girl was like "Ugly Betty" was funny.
OK, I just saw a commerical for Amazon.com mp3s. It had Justin Timberlake. At first I thought it was stupid but..... at the end he gets clobbered in the head with a car door so that was worth seeing.
Even the half time entertainment isn't as good as it use to be.
They are so afraid of offending someone so they play it safe and now have become... "Y A W N" BORING! Grow a back bone. The majority of people watching the game wpuldn't even thik twice about it, never the less realize what had actaully happened since it it usually just a matter of seconds that it airs.
So what, like you have never seen a tit before? Never heard any one swear or be suggestive? Come on people I think the country has more to be concerned about than a few seconds of what they consider "improper" television.
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