It's So Hard to Say Good Bye

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my oldest dearest friend and companion.

My dog, Maxx, of 14 good long years past away.

It came about rather quickly. I have to say I truly wasn't ready to say good bye.

He had been slightly ill the past few days. Throwing up here and there. I called the vet and they had told me not to feed him for 24 hours. IF after the 24 hours I feed him and he still throws up to call them back and bring him in.

So I did as instructed. When I fed him he seemed to have kept it down. But I noticed he had been straining when when he went tot he bathroom. Saturday morning i called the vet again and told them what was going on. They told me to give him some milk that should help with the constipation. If by Monday he wasn't doing better to call them back.

Saturday afternoon he was doing much better. Going to the bathroom. Not straining. But by evening I noticed he hadn't been eating much. Sunday he seemed fine. We went for a few walks and he seemed stiff. But it was really cold and because he has been sick I wasn't giving him his previcox to help with this arthritis.

By 8pm he seemed to have went down hill fast. He could barely walk. Floundering around struggling to get up on his feet, falling repeatedly. I made him comfortable on his pillow and layed next to him; petting him, hugging him, massaging his legs.

Around 2:30 am I her him trying to get up again floundering so I woke up and helped him stand.

It wasn't good and I knew I was going to be taking him to the vet.
He took a drink and I helped him back to his pillow.
An hour later I woke up to the sound of him floundering yet again. This time I smelled something. He has went bathroom on his pillow and was trying to get away. I told him it was already that I would clean it. I knew something was really wrong as I started to clean his mess up. I kissed him and petted him and told him I loved him and that I would get him help soon.

I jumped in the shower at 4am to get ready and have him ready by 7 am to head straight to the vet. While in the shower I lost it completely. Uncontrollable crying. I knew I was going to h ave to have him put down. I just couldn't stop crying. I was only in the shower for 15-20 minutes when I got out I went to check on him. I knew right away that he had passed on. He was laying there. He looked peaceful and calm. I lost it. I called for Paul. He jumped out of his bed and came right away. I sat on the floor holding Maxx, Petting him , Kissing his snout and crying.

My heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces. We had been together for 14 years. HE has been by my side through thick and thin. He was there when I was sad and upset, hurt, happy. He loved me unconditionally no matter what. No matter how much I bitched at him or about him he still gave me all his love.

I feel so empty now, So lost.

I fell asleep on the couch for a bit last night and when I woke up my first thought was that I had to take Maxx out only to realize after that there was no Maxx.

I know I will get through this. As time goes on it will get easier and better. He will be forever in my heart and never forgotten.



Maxx - May 1994


Maxx - Dec 2008






Forever In My Heart

If you're thinking about Suicide..... Read This First

Is it really THAT bad?

We've ALL been there.

We've all had the thought running through out minds.

Being sick of it all, down, depressed, hating life, hating our own life, feeling so miserable that you just want to end it all.

I've been there myself a few times. But everyone is different.

The last thing you want to hear from someone is that "everything will be fine"

You are in the deepest darkest place right now and when they say that it means nothing.

Some may even get angry or upset with you. That is normal too. They aren't in the place where you are. They are afraid for you, for them. They just don't understand.

When I was younger death was something I just never had to deal with but as I grow older is seems more and more common. Accidents, Health, Age, and unfortunately suicide.

I may have been one of those who would have gotten angry and said it is a cop out. This will get better. I still feel that way. Because I know things DO get better. But I found this website and it opened my eyes a bit as to possibly where and why these people do what they do. And even though we may all have, at one point, had those suicidal feelings we still had a glimmer of hope somewhere in us to continue on and live.

I couldn't imagine feeling so desperate and hopeless that I didn't even have that sliver of a feeling of wanting to live. Having that question of do I really want to end my life? is it really that bad? Snuffed right out of me.

The reason why I have written this blog is because one of the pressmen from where I work killed himself Saturday. I didn't know him well at all. He had only been working there a few months. He was young, good looking, seemed to be nice. But that shows you that anyone can have these thoughts.


Please check out this site out

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/


I hope this blog finds people really need it or could help someone who might need it. That alone makes me feel better.

Shhhh Im Hunting Rabbit!

I've had my two dwarf bunnies for about two months now.

So far they share the same cage. I'm not sure if they are the same sex or not. I've tried looking and I'm just not sure. I'm afraid I'll hurt them plus they get very impatient with me when I try to figure out what they are.

I don't blame them, I mean after all, I wouldn't like someone poking and prodding and starring at my genital area trying to figure out just what the hell I am.

Anyway, I either have to get another cage so they each have their own to give them more room or I need to buy or build another bigger cage for them to share. In the mean time every night when I get home from work I let them run about the house for a while to give them exercise and add a little excitement to their day. They do tend to get bored sitting in a cage all day (wouldn't you?)

They just love it. They bounce around chasing each other or the cat. They explore everything. I shut off certain rooms so I can keep an eye on them from time to time, making sure they don't get into trouble.

Normally their cage sits out in my kitchen on my dryer. But last night I decided to bring it in the other room and place it on the floor. I opened the door and let then out. Normally I put their harness and lead on. I do this because it is easier for me to catch them when I am ready to place them back in their cage. But again, tonight I just decided to let them roam free without any harness.

As I watched them first they hopped out. Jitter bug hopped back in the cage sniffed around then hopped back out. It was interesting because for a while they would hop around then go back to the cage. They were out for quiet some time last night. I sat down in front of the cage and just waited for them to come by. Jitterbug was the easier to catch. I would think he wouldn't be because when I first brought them home he was all antsy and jittery thus the name Jitterbug.

Now Velveteen was a tad bit more challenging. I had some of their timothy hay in a shoe box and when I shook the box it seemed to catch their attention and curiosity, which brought them over to see what I had to feed them. I had to be quicker with Velveteen but after a couple attempts I managed to get him back into the cage.

I decided to keep the cage on the floor for now.

The rest of the evening went quietly until 2am.

I suddenly heard this ruckus. Sounded like a chase of some sort. Lots of running back and fourth. At first I thought Salem (my cat) was playing. Then I thought maybe it had caught something. But what??? Then it dawned on me..... OH SHIT!!!

What if ........

I jumped up quickly and turned on the light. There was only one rabbit in the cage!

The door was still closed and hinged so how the hell did it get out!

For a brief second I had the stupidest thought run through my head (Hey I was half asleep) But I had a quick thought of Oh No Jitterbug ate Velveteen! LOL

It passed quickly.

Velveteen so no where to be seen. But Salem looked like she had just chased something across the room. I have this empty chest box sitting by the window. It has no back to it so I check inside and there was Velveteen.

I grabbed him and boy was he feisty!

I sat down in front of the cage to try and figure out how he managed to get out. They only way I could think was that he pushed the feeder out enough for him to slip out.

He is smaller than Jitterbug so it could be possible and since the cage was on the floor he was more daring.

Needless to say I put the cage back on top of my dryer.

quiet the eventful evening!

My Destiny Number is 7

I found this kind of cool and interesting so I am posting it for all of you to checkout.

The Numerology of Names
By: Amanda Coggin

There is a reason why you have your name and it’s not because it sounded classy in the gossip pages of the New York Post (which is where my mom found my name). Your birth name paired with numerology can enlighten you on what motivates you in life, what warrants your true expression, and the lasting impression you leave on others when you exit a room.

It started with Pythagoras, the Greek mathematician who invented the a2 + b2 = c2 Pythagorean Theorem, the only equation I remember from eleventh grade geometry. In 6th century BCE, Pythagoras combined mysticism with mathematics to construct a quotient about the future of one’s life. He coined it Pythagorean numerology and used numbers assigned to the letters in one’s full name (as well as using the numbers in one’s date of birth). The numerology determined what innate abilities one was given at birth to determine what might happen late in life, and it has become the source for modern numerology today.

How Numerology Works
When working with a name, numbers have corresponding letters. The numbers are added up and broken down into single digits in order to give you your final Destiny Number.


The Number Assignments
1= A, J, S
2= B, K, T
3= C, L, U
4= D, M, V
5= E, N, W
6= F, O, X
7= G, P, Y
8= H, Q, Z
9= I, R


How to Find Your Destiny Number

Write down your full name (first, middle, and last). This is the name you were given at birth—not your married name, etc.
Using the table above, write down the number matched to each letter in each name (i.e. AMANDA = 1, 4, 1, 5, 4, 1).

Add the numbers together for each name (i.e. 1+4+1+5+4+1= 16).
You will most likely get a double digit for each name; break down each double digit number you get by adding the first and second digit to get one number (i.e. from the 16 above, add together 1+6 to get 7, which is the number for my first name).


Add up the final numbers you get from each name (i.e. my middle name number is 8 and my last name number is 10, so 7+8+10 = 25).
Once again, break down any double-digit numbers into one digit to get your final Destiny Number (i.e. from the 25 above, add together 2+5 to get 7, which is my final Destiny Number).

In numerology, the basic vibrations are numbers 1 through 9, but the numbers 11 and 22 are master numbers and should not be reduced to a single digit since these are master vibrations.

There are plenty of books and Web sites that will give you a thorough analysis of your Destiny Number, but here’s a basic rundown on what your Destiny Number means for you:

1 is determined, autonomous, and self-reliant

2 is loyal, tactful, and analytical

3 is passionate, positive, and fun-loving

4 is sensible, traditional, and serious

5 is bold, temperamental, and sensual

6 is responsible, cautious, and domestic

7 is spiritual, unconventional, and somewhat reclusive

8 is money-oriented, assured, and authoritative

9 is versatile, compassionate, and worldly

11 is enlightened, deep, and high-strung

22 is ambitious, a global planner, and motivated



I looked further into my 7, and found this interpretation through About Numerology.

“A Destiny number of 7 means you will find fulfillment through teaching others. By pursuing an ongoing quest for knowledge and then sharing your findings with your fellow man ... be it through teaching, writing or some other means ... you will bring joy into your own life. By following your destiny, your life should be an interesting life, one full of the exploration of science, mysteries, the occult, or other fascinating fields.”

Unspoken

Our eyes met
There was a spark
No words spoken
Just a smile

Would we get to speak?
Get to Meet?
On this day, No

There will be another
A reassuring Nod
Another half crooked smile
As our lives parted
As the crowd gathered round
And swept us each our our separate way

Play on Words

Tammy, Rich, Rachel, Debbie and I were out on our three o'clock break we were soaking up the warmth and enjoying the rays of the afternoon sun.

It seemed to be a quiet afternoon, work wise, so there wasn't much going on.

Not sure how the discussion started but somehow it was mentioned about trading sec for carpentry. The guy Tammy has been seeing is a carpenter and has helped out a lot around the apartment building. As a matter of fact, he will be installing my new bathroom tub surround this weekend.

So I am assuming that it was said that Tammy would give sexual favors for Rob's handy work.

At which point I joined the conversation and mentioned that I "Got Off Easy" at which point everyone just lost it. Now you can see where every ones mind must have been this afternoon.

Rich just kind of looked over at me and I just smiled and said you have no clue (with a smirk on my face)

The conversation when on a bit when Tammy suddenly blurted out how Rob would be working on her " Back Door" at which time we ALL lost it AGAIN!

YES, Our Minds Were TOTALLY in the GUTTER!

You really just had to be there to get the full true effect of the conversation but it was one that kept up giggling as the play on words just keep popping back into our minds.

You just never know how or where our break conversations will lead us!

Kick and Run, Did You Get the License Plate of That Buggy???

This is too unbelievable for me to not blog about.

Yesterday I was heading back to work from lunch on my motorcycle.

I was at the light by Stewart's in Fort Plain I had the right of way because I was going straight through. Coming in the opposite direction I saw an Amish horse and buggy.

First of all they don't have blinkers so there is no telling in what direction they were going to take but even still I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY!

I just got under the traffic light when from the corner of my left eye I see this Huge horse towering practically over me. I then saw the horses left hoof up in the air. I cringed and thought Oh Shit!

The next split second I felt excruciating pain in my leg. I wasn't sure what exactly happened. All I knew is that I couldn't go on any further. I some how made it to the side of the road. I was screaming, crying and swearing up a storm. I needed to get my bike kick stand down and in neutral gear so I could get the hell off the bike without it falling.

This task was near impossible because it seriously felt like my leg and foot had been blow off.
I quickly two wayed Paul to let him know I got kicked by an Amish horse going through the light. I was almost incomprehensible. He immediately called 911 and when I got back to him he asked where I was I told him next to Stewart's.

I then managed to get off my bike to sit on the curbside to check out what happened and at the same time I called Donna at work to let her know I might be a tad bit late coming back. All through streaming sobs and tears.

By this time the Local cop showed up and came over to see what had happened.
I explained the whole thing to him and he was just blown away. He kept asking if I fell off the bike or if the bike was dropped in any way.

Thankfully no, because If I had stopped right there I would have been more seriously injured because the horse would have landed on me.

The paramedics showed up and asked what happened, which I went through the amazing details again. They took my shoe and sock off seeing that my toes had swollen and gave me an ice back for my leg. (That was the first thing I felt was hurting badly was my leg)

There was a humongous lump on the side of my leg which hurt to touch and felt so hard. My toes looked swollen and bruised. I was hoping that is was just a really bad strain.

They kept asking me if I wanted to go to the Hospital. I have no insurance now and I said I couldn't afford it.

No one could believe what had happened. This was a first. Not only that but the Amish never stopped to check and see if I was hurt or not. I have no clue if they just didn't see me or if they thought nothing happened.

I decided to have Paul take me to the ER because I couldn't even stand on my leg or foot.

Once at the ER the Registering Nurser ask what had happened after they wheeled me in and I told her "I got kicked by an Amish horse while heading back to work on my motorcycle"

The look on her face was priceless. She must have thought I was joking. When she asked if I could walk on it and I shook my head No and had the look of "Are You Fucking Crazy!" on my face.

A few people in the waiting room heard what had happened and questioned me and was talking to me how unbelievable that is. I was the talk of the day. I even got the award for most unique accident of the day at the ER . LOL

After all the questioning and poking and prodding they took be for Xrays. When the doctor walked back in she said you have a broken toe!

Some major bruising but nothing else looked broken just my Big Toe.

36 years with out any broken bones and not because of a stupid horse my toe is broken!

Not much I can do but to stay off it as much as possible, keep it elevated and iced. Doc said it would be about a week or two before it is healed.

If it doesn't heal correctly then I will have to see a podiatrist (cant afford that)

So that is my amazing tale for this weeks blog. I think this makes up for all the voided non blogging time lately.

I'll keep you all posted!

Lost to the Outside World!

For anyone who knows me, my cellphone is like air to me. I need it and without it I will die.
(a slight over exaggeration but it paints a good picture)

I do not have a regular land line so this is my only source of communication for me to get a hold of others and for them to get a hold of me.

What happened you ask? Where is this leading to?

Well I lost my cell. I'm not exactly sure where I lost it. It is somewhere from Rotterdam mall and Amsterdam Wal-mart.

I realized I didn't have it when I got into Wally World but I just thought I left it in the car. Once we got back to my car it wasn't in visible sight so I had Paul two way it so I could locate it. Once I didn't hear the beeps from the two way my heart immediately sank. I got a sick feeling to my stomach and that lump in your throat when all you want to do is cry.

I ran back into Wal-mart to see if anyone has found a cell phone and they said no not yet.
By the time I got back out to my car Paul was still two waying my phone and it sounded like someone was trying to two way back but didn't know how. We told them h ow to use it and if they found my phone. At this time all we heard int he background was loud music.

Panic now overcame me because now I know someone has my phone. All my numbers my pictures, my music my messages. Little bastards! I grabbed Paul's cell and told them if they don't say anything I will have the phone shut off and they wont be able to use it anyway.

Still nothing. So I called Nextel immediately. They restricted my phone so no calls could come in or out, no two waying, no nothing.

Now I had to get another phone. I Need a phone I didn't care what it was. Even if it was a shitty phone I didn't like I just needed one.

Luckily when I called the Nextel Sales they checked my account and I was eligible to and upgrade and could take $150 off any phone. Plus there was a $50 rebate. Also since I have been a good customer and knowing what my situation is they will take and extra $50 off my next bill.

I ordered the same phone I had already had. I am already familiar with it. It's just a different color. By the time I get all the discounts and rebates my phone is only going to cost me $79.

When all this happened it late Friday night. The soonest the sales rep said I would get my phone would be Tuesday........... TUESDAY!!! I have to go without a phone all weekend! OMG Kill me Now!

Talk about Longest weekend ever. I felt so out of touch.

Monday when I got home from work, there sitting at my door was a nice little FedEx package from Sprint/Nextel.

MY PHONE, MY PHONE YAHOOOOOOO!

AHhhhhh.... Now I can Sleep At Night LOL

Let Me Be Myself

guess I just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew
Take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

That's all I've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me

Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

V A C A T I O N

I know I haven't posted in a while. I've been meaning too. I don't have a good excuse other than I just haven't been in the mood to write.

The week of July 28th I was away on vacation. I headed down to the Jersey Shore. Seaside Heights to be exact. I had a wonderful time. The weather was gorgeous! Hot Humid 90 degrees.

Majority of the time was spent at the beach. I have always loved the ocean and the beach but something about swimming int he ocean scare me a little.

Last year when Kim and I went to VA I happened to venture in further than I normally did. I got my ass kicked by the ocean then. This time was different. The waves weren't as rough so I ventured out even more. I was actually swimming in the ocean. I rode a few waves in. Yes, I didn't get knocked around a bit by a few unsuspecting waves. The next time I head to the ocean I am buying a body board and going to body surf in on the waves!

I also ventured under the pier and checked out all the going ons. Found some interesting shells, a few whole live clams. This one clam, I swear was the size of my whole hand! When I first saw it I though it was only a half clam shell. Once I picked it up I saw what looked like a huge gross slimy tongue sticking out. Curiosity got the better of me so I touched it. I squealed (but didn't drop it) and the clam pulled itself back into its shell.

I also captured a humongous crab but I let it go. Catch and release.

We must have walked up and down the boardwalk a zillion times each day. Rarely did we venture away from the boardwalk or beach.

The one day we headed to the beach later in the day. About 4 in the afternoon, even though it was sunny and blue skies all day a sudden fog engulfed the whole boardwalk. It was freaky. I was laying on the beach with the sun beating down on me one minute to open my eyes and find the foggy mist erily making its way up the boardwalk. All I could keep thinking about was that Stephen King Movie The Fog or the Mist.






Wednesday night was fireworks and I even have some video of that.

Update

Well it's been a while since I posted anything.

So let me catch you all up.

Friday June 27 Paul was let go from his job. He was depressed and didn't know what to do.
I being logical and good under pressure told him exactly what he needed to do for now. Call unemployment first and get started with that so at least he has something coming in. Then call human resources at his job to find out if he still gets paid for his vacation time he had coming to him.

Then start hitting the pavement looking for another job.

His manager also got let go. He knows other people in the industry of rental company's that might be able to get them all into another job, This might take a little time but there is some hope.

Work has slowed down. Or maybe it is that we are all caught up. I'm just doing busy work. I have my regular work to do every day but I get that done rather quickly and back to the mindless work.

I just went through hell with my bathtub. The drain was really clogged. It took me 3 days, one box of baking soda, one bottle of vinegar, One large bottle of liquid plumber, and 2 bottles of Bleach along with plunging the shit out of it to finally release whatever it was holding up the drain. (That was fun!)

Now I'm making semi plans to head to the shore for a few days. I need to get away. I need the ocean and the beach. Heading to Jersey shore the end of July. I think I will just pack a few things and head out. No reservations, no set plans. Just get up and go.

Mike and I....... well..... We are kind of together. Nothing has changed on his part and I am not budging on my part of how I feel or what I want for myself. We came to an agreement and an arrangement that seems to be working for us, at least for now.

The time we get along the best and have a good time with no fighting, no tension, with just prior to us having sex, while having sex and just after having sex.

It sounds strange But while we are who we are. If we can change things for the better then great if not things are what they are. While we work on ourselves, I do what I need to do and what to do. He will do what he wants and needs to do and when we want sex from each other we will be together and spend that time together. Seems we are both happy with it being this way (For now)

That's about it on the updates

Until I write again

Doctors Help or Hindrance

I don't normally go to the doctors unless I really need to.

Slight cough, sneeze or sniffle doesn't cut it.

Therefore, if I go to the doctors it is something serious. What is my reasoning behind not going every time something small comes up -- well, partly is because I feel doctors are full of shit.

You are entrusting you life, your health, your well being to them. But you know what? Just because they go to medical school and have an MD behind their name doesn't mean they know what is necessarily best for you.

Now I'm not saying all doctors are like this, because there are a few who really do care and are in it for the right reasons. They might even go above and beyond what they are suppose to do to help you. Be it giving sample of a medication because you cannot afford to buy it or somehow working around a procedure because you cannot afford it or maybe just listening to their patient and having regard to how they feel about whatever it may be.

You are probably wondering what I'm talking about or where I'm coming from. Let me tell you.
I had a doctor appointment today. The reason being is that my menstrual cycle is out of wack. either I don't get it or when I do it wont go away. I have had this problem for some time. and being on the pill helps regulate it. Well I don't want to be on the pill just for that reason. It's stupid. There is provera which help regulate the cycles as well (which is what I was hoping he would do for me)

Instead I get a lecture of why this is happening. HELLO, I already know why. I'm not stupid. I'm not some ditzy bimbo who hasn't a clue.

I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovaries) Which for me, is caused by my weight gain. So of course, the natural solution is to lose the weight.

Again, HELLO, I know this. But the weight wasn't put on overnight. It has happened over a number of years so yes, it will take tie to come off. At least healthy wise is will.

All seems easy so far right. Well it would be if the doctor was more concerned for how I felt than being more concerned for helping his colleagues and himself become richer.

He was so adamant about me going the surgical route. Gastric bypass or lap band. He has even went as far as to say that I have reached my point 10 years ago with trying to do something about it then and its not working. (Did he ask me if I really tried) how many people really truly try? You start a diet. One week -- two weeks --- ah that's it your done.

That's not really trying. He made me so upset I just wanted to cry but knock his fucking head off first. He doesn't realize that with me when I feel strongly about something I WILL NOT back down about it.

He practically tried to force feed me this surgical Crap. Saying that I was already at my last resort. FUCK YOU Doctor. How do you know. Have you seen me the past 10 years Busting my ass day after day, working out, watching what I'm eating to lose weight?

NO, you haven't because I haven't been doing that.

But now, right now I am in that place of where I am going to the gym and working out, I'm trying to watch what I eat. I just need a little help. First of all I believe my hormones are all out of wack. And from researching and reading I know that when that happens it can prevent a person from losing weight. It may even cause them to gain it. You would think the doctor would know that.
I need to see and endocrinologen. Get tested see where I stand.

Then I need a nutritionist or dietitian. A good one. One that can get me on a plan. Yes, he suggested support groups like Weight Watchers. Might be OK. But what will they really do? Once a week you meet, talk bout your troubles, problems, eating habits, weigh in...... Whatever......sounds stupid to me.

Determination, Strength, willpower, Support can come from my friends and family (at least I hope) but it has to be me.

Just because you get surgery done doesn't mean it will last. So it isn't a end all to fix all solution.

I know I can do this. It's going to take time, Hard work, Dedication. But with the right doctors help and my stubbornness to prove him wrong. I will do this. And shove it right in his face.

Woodland Creatures

I took a little trip early this morning and on my adventures out I encountered a few of natures finest woodland creatures.

There seemed to be a lot of animals wandering the sides of the road. At night all I see if the eyes that reflect off my head lights. A few cats managed to scatter across the road daring to use up one of there nine lives.

I even had a rabbit rush out at the last minute. My heart stopped and I almost closed my eyes waiting to her the thump under my car. It's mad dash to the other side of the road must have paid off because I didn't hear the thump and I did not see anything in the rear view mirror.

I did let out a sigh of relief. I hate when I hit anything on the roads.

Then I as coming over the knoll in the road when suddenly there he was just standing there in the middle of the road just gazing at me. It was a German shepherd. I immediately slowed down. I'm my head i was screaming come on doggy get out of the road you are going to get hit. As I said this the dog slowly wandered off to the side of the road. It was lucky that I was the wonder driving on the road and not some idiot who would have cared less and hit him.

Then I get almost home and amidst the greenery on the side of the road I see this deer. I could tell it was contemplating crossing so I slowed but was in awe at the same time. I think they are one of the most beautifulest creatures and watch them bounce cross the road with such ease and playfulness made me smile.

Again if it was some other maniac driving down the road they would have purposely hit any and all of these animals.

So for one more day there lives are safe.

soulmate

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Not Easy As It Seems

I've been down this road before..........

Somehow I always find myself wondering how I got here?
Where did I go wrong?
What could I have done differently to make things work?

Even with both of us coming to the conclusion that it would be for the best to end things amicably, it still hurts and isn't easy.

You would think it would be. Even though we had a lot of differences so much to the point that is was our downfall. Still doesn't make it easy. Doesn't erase the fact that he loved me for me. It was my fault because I couldn't get past his bad habits and accept him as he was.

I think I am hurting more now than I was before. I have an emptiness like something is missing.
I know he is hurting too and I so want to be there to help him through it....although I know he doesn't want me there. This kills me the most.

The helplessness I feel not being able to help the person I love.

He says he just cant right now ... but what if he never can.....

He will conveniently forget my number..... then he will forget me.

Lost yet again another piece of my heart.

Fight For All The Wrong Reasons

Well I wanted you
I wanted no one else
I thought it through
I got you to myself
You got off
Every time you got on to me
I got caught up
In favorable slavery

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn't really right
I guess it wasn't meant to be
It didn't matter what they said
'Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn't matter what I tried
It's just a little hard to leave
When you're going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

Well you know my friends
Well they know your enemies
I'd pretend
Not to hear what they said to me
'Cause I got off
Every time you got on to me
Was it wrong
To go along with insanity?

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn't what I wanted
Wasn't really what I thought
Thought it was the day I got
I want it all to go away

Friday

Here it is another Friday. Another week done and over with. Sunday will be the first of June and half the year is about over with.

Where is the time going. Seems the older I get the faster time flies!

I start back at the gym on Monday. I took the month of May off because I had so much to do around the part and house I just didn't have enough time. I've done pretty well actually. I seemed to have lost weight the first two weeks of NOT working out and now have just maintained at that weight.

I'm looking forward to starting in again. This time I think I will do more cardio with possibly one or two days of weight training. I think maybe that was what was making me feel all bulky and bloated.

I still have tons of planting and gardening, and home improvements to get done but I have to figure out some kind of schedule that can include both exercising and getting what needs to get done in.

These gas prices are putting a damper on what it is I can do and when. I really have to watch how and where I spend my money or where I go. Yesterday morning it was $4.09. on my way home for work last night it is now up to $4.11. I'm afraid of what it will be tonight when I head home from work.

Just going back and forth to work is starting to take a toll and add up. I just can't afford to go anywhere. II stay home and work out in the yard or around the house.

Purgatory

I feel like I'm caught in purgatory. I' floundering in limbo here.

I've got so many things going on through my head right now I just don't know how I am feeling.

I know there is definite internal conflicts going on with my head and my heart.

Being the logical and rational person I am I always have to think situations through.

What may be right for me might not be the road I want to head down at this moment.

I know what it is I want and kind of what I am looking for. I know what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy. This is the only thing right now in my life I know for sure.

What path I will take is still uncertain.

What's Been Going On??

Hello Everyone!

I know, I'm sorry I haven't written much.

I have been keeping busy with work. There is so much I want and need to get done around my apartment.

I took the month of May off from working out so I could get a good start on most of it but there just isn't enough time in a day to do this. I will be starting back to the gym after work next week.

The majority of the time was spend working on the next door apartment but since that is finished I can now concentrate on what I need to get done.

I'm also trying to make things easier on my parents.

So this weekend I trimmed the grass and mowed the lawn. In between I laid the rest of the floor tile in next door apartment and helped lay out and cut the rugs for the back two bedrooms.

I started to weed one of three flower beds. I also laid down weed blocking screening. But there is so much that I couldn't finish all of it. I finally bought some mulch to lay down on it. Which I wont be able to get to til Thursday (weather permitting).

I still have to pick up my motorcycle from the shop. Finish the kitchen floor tiles in my place and start the floor tiles by the door when you first walk in my apartment.

But I like feeling busy. It helps me sleep better nights.

I am actually happy now. I have been enjoying what I'm doing am look forward to hanging out on occasion with my friends on the porch or back yard by the fire.

Who Is Your Celebrity Twin?

Took another quiz. This time it was to see who my celebrity twin would be.

This is what the outcome was.....

Reese's production company is named Type A, and like her, you are both a perfectionist and a planner. You're grounded, successful and when you decided to do something, you always give 110 percent. You've always been the nice, cute girl -- the high school cheerleader, prom queen... You value family above all else and realize the importance of raising your children in a down-to-earth environment. Reese is the first to tell you she's from the South and loves bluegrass music and collecting antique lace. You, too, are not afraid to show your traditional side. You're also fiercely protective and loyal.

Which Sex and the City Lady Are You?

So I took this quiz that I came across on the net....Which Sex and the City Lady Are You?

This is who I identify with:

You're Carrie

Like confident Carrie, the lovelorn sex columnist, you're curious and perceptive, always seeking answers and never satisfied with the superficial. Being Carrie lends itself to indecision and an avoidance of tough issues, like with Carrie and her on-again, off-again attachment to Mr. Big. Forward-thinking, incredibly intelligent and witty, you just exude quirky charm. You'd be utterly bored by someone who's just a pretty face or hot body -- though you don't mind looking and flirting! You're more turned on by an equally smart and funny mate, someone who challenges your mind and makes you laugh. You love to talk, so you need a good listener who's open to playful and eccentric ideas about love and lovemaking. Of course, you're also the most fashion-foward lady in the city!

Sick Mother F@ckers!!!

This world has some sick fuckers in it.

What in heaven or earth makes someone want to molest children?

How do they even get a thrill or get turned on by that?

How sick can a person be to even think about doing that in the first place?

I know it happens. I've heard it happening on the news, in the papers but I would have never thought it would hit as close to home as it has today.

I have never been so filled with rage and sadness as I have been today.

I am not mentioning names to protect the innocent people involved and unfortunately if I do name the Guilty Sick Son of a Bitch that has done such an unthinkable act it would also hurt those I am trying to protect.

But let me tell you this....he better hope that he goes to prison an for a long long time because if I see him he will wish he was in prison. He will wish he never got involved with my friend and taken advantage of her daughter because the fucker will have his balls and dick cut off and shoved down his throat.

I have connections and know people who have connections so even being sent away his life will end as he knows it.

Whatever It Takes

I was listening to the following song and it hit home.


I want someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me. It's funny how songs just seem to find you when you need them.


Whatever It Takes - by Life House

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

CRISIS MODE

My Best Girl Tammy and her two girls were suppose to be moving in to the apartment next to me that my good friend Danny just moved out of.

Unfortunately, he left it in a bit of shambles. She was expecting to start moving this Thursday, but now finding out that the apartment is in unmovable conditions she has to wait.

Under the wire, we need to get the place in top shape.

I guess I know what I will be doing this weekend! Painting, cleaning, scrubbing etc.

Wish Us Luck!

Heart Broken

It's been a rough weekend.

First, out of the blue I came down with some kind of bug or flu.

I was all achy, feverish, cold chills and I was whiny.

On top of that Mike and I got into HUGE fight. Actually we haven't fought for a while but this one was a biggy.

He has been telling me that he would come down to my house to spend the night. There has been one reason that seems to pop up on Friday for why he can't.

I don't feel it is too much to ask to want to spend some quality alone time with my BF.

I'm not asking him to spend the week, to move in or even spend the whole weekend. But for one night out of a week to come and be with me for a change. I feel that is a reasonable request.

I've been there for him, supported him, treated him really good. Just about every weekend I always went up to his house. Hung our with him, went where he wanted to go.

I am always the one who ends up conforming to what he wants. He doesn't want to come to my home but I can come up there. I'm more than willing to compromise but I always end up being the one to hold up my end of the deal when he falls through with his end. This isn't fair to me.

Then he tried to bring the argument of his friends into it. But lets look at it this way. I get to see him possible one maybe two days out of the week. He has the rest of the week to talk, visit, see, hang out with any and all of his friends which many times he does. Do he cant take at least one day out of his precious time to spend with the person he claims to love? As for me, because I end up going to his place for the weekend I lose out on seeing, talking or hanging out with my friends.

It just seems like in order for me to see Mike or spend any time with him I must do it under his terms. Yet again, what he wants. He refuses to see where I am coming from or to understand how I may be feeling.

Like a child throwing a tantrum. As long as I give in to him then he is fine and everything is alright.

I have so much to do at my place. He just doesn't understand. I don't have time to work on it during the week. If I spend all weekend at his place I get nothing done.


He doesn't seem to be the same guy I feel in love with. I'm not sure what happened to him or who has influenced him but he is not the same. He use to be more loving, caring, wanting to hug me, kiss me, be with me.

Yes, it has been a while since we've seen each other. But that is all the more reason to be that much more affectionate.

I don't know. I'm not sure where we stand or how we stand with each other. If we can fix this or work this out.

All I know is that it does take two to make a relationship work. It's not fair if one gets their way and gets what they want when the other doesn't.

Old Friends

I know how busy life can get.

I know how easy it is to lose touch with friends and loved ones.

But just because we don't hear from them or talk to them doesn't mean we have forgotten or stopped loving them.

So with that said I wanted to give a shout out and say happy birthday to someone who is near and dear to my heart, but who I haven't heard from in a long time but is not forgotten.
His Birthday is this Saturday April 26th.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Beau

Wherever you maybe, whatever you are doing. I hope you are happy and that you are getting the most out of life.

And that occasionally I may still cross your mind. LOL

Progress

Yesterday, Saturday April 19th, was the end of my third week since I started working out.

I am happy to report that I do see some progress.

When I first started I could barley do 5 minutes on the stair climber. I tried the elliptical machine and realized it was harder than it looked and only was able to stay on it for 3 minutes. I was able to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes but I was breathing heavy and I was extremely tired.

Saturdays is my two hour work out day. I work one hour on cardio and one hour on weight training.

This Saturday I realized how far I've come in such a short amount of time. I was able to work out for 25 minutes on the stair climber. I would have done 30 minutes but for some reason the whole machine shut off. At least all my totals of how long, how many floors, how many calories burned etc shut off.

I hadn't tried the elliptical machine since day one when I started, so I thought I'd give it a try and see if I could at least make 5 minutes. To my surprise I was able to stay on it for 15 minutes. (This machine is still more difficult) but I felt really good after.

I've noticed when I work out on the treadmill I am able to walk farther faster in 30 minutes than I have been in the previous weeks. I use to be able to make one mile in about the 30 minutes. Now I can make one mile in 20 minutes and keep on walking!!!

I'm trying to to get too wrapped up in the "number" or weight progress. For one it can get discouraging. plus your weight constantly fluctuates with new muscle mass.

Plus I am also trying to stay patient. I like immediate results, no matter what it is I do. I want results now! I know that isn't possible and isn't healthy in the first place. It will take time and patients and a lot of hard work.

Well I'm already putting in the hard work.

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

I took this quiz to find out what kind of flirt I am and this is what I found out.

Suave Flirt


Being your suave self can get you the results you desire, but make sure you don't ruin your own game by being too smooth. Your subtle manner could point to signs of an inner need for caution and, perhaps, your reluctance to get too deeply involved emotionally.Just remember this: A woman's sense of worth should not come from a man's attention. It can make you feel great to flirt and get the kind of response you want from a man, but don't allow these small blips of adoration block your willingness to have a relationship.

Jef - Fa Fa DUNHAM dot com

This Sunday I am going to see one of my favorite comedians, Jeff Dunham at the Utica Stanley Theater.

He is a ventriloquist and he cracks me up. The first time I watched his show I was (ROTFLMAO) rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

He has a couple of videos out and he is on Comedy Central.

I left you a few clips to check him out in case you haven't heard or seen him.

Stop by his web site if you like. www.jeffdunham.com

TOFU

So anyone who has been reading my blogs or who knows me, knows I've been making changes in my life. The main one for now is working out and becoming healthier.

I decided I was going to try something new, Tofu.

I don't think that I have ever actually tried tofu but for some reason I believe I do not like it.

My mom has used tofu in here Korean soups and some stir fry but I have always managed to advert eating it.

So I kinda wonder why I believe I do not like tofu when I have not, knowingly, tried it.

Last night I tried it for my first time. I made a stir fry of broccoli florets, shredded carrots, portobello mushrooms, celery, and tofu.

I wasn't over joyed with it but it was eatable. There really isn't much of a taste to the tofu and the consistency is kinda like scrambled eggs.

This morning I thought I would try it again. I sauteed some zucchini, green peppers, tofu and sausage. This was a little more palatable, more so when I ate it with a piece of sausage.

I will finish off this block of tofu but more than likely will not buy it again unless I can find a recipe or use of it that I like.

I do have a couple of more ideas to try over the next few days. Since it has a resemblance to scrambled eggs I think I will try to make a sausage and Tofu sandwich. Then I think I will try it in a soup based dish. I now tofu is suppose to take the place of meat products but I can't help it. I'm a carnivore!

I'll let you know how it turns out.

When It Rains, It Pours

My inspection sticker on my car was due in January. Yes, I know, here it is April and so far I've been lucky enough not to get caught!

But with the warmer weather coming I know the cops will be out with road blocks so it's time to bite the bullet and get my car checked out.

It first started out that I needed tie rods for both sides before they could pass my inspection.
They also mention that I should have an alignment when I get the tie rods done.
Since they were already going to have my car up they might as well do an oil change.

They got back to me with a price for the tie rods. ($20 each)

Not bad. I was feeling pretty good about that until they went to get the alignment done.

My lower wheel arms have to be replaced before they can pass me for inspection.

What's this going to cost me???

Let's tally this up now......

Tie Rods - - - $20 each = $40
Alignment - - - - - - - - - = $90
Inspection - - - - - - - - = $21
Oil Change - - - - - - - - = $21.55

Lower wheel Arms
One Side is $200
Other Side is $300 - - - = $500

Sub Total - - - - - - - - - = $672.55


This isn't including labor. Labor is $50 an hour. so lets figure another $150 to that subtotal for a GRAND TOTAL OF approx $822.55 plus tax

I just want to cry!

My First Week

I know I've been talking about making some changes in my life but up until now I just couldn't seem to get my ass in gear to start.

But I've made the first few steps and I'm on a roll now.

You all know I've joined the fitness center and have dedicated myself to working out everyday after work.

Saturday I went and worked out for two hours. I did the whole workout for both cardio and weight training. I felt so alive, so good, so tired! (but in a good way)

This has really helped me put things in perspective. I don't seem as stresses as I have been and so far my moods seems to be a lot better. I'm still working on the sleeping through the night. I am still tired but in an exhausted kind of way from the work out so that is also a good thing.

Why am I doing all this?

Well that is very simple. To get into shape, be more healthier, look better and most of all to feel better about myself.

I need to start feeling good about myself. I've faced it, it's been a long time since I've been happy and felt good about me. I know my life and my situation hasn't helped in that matter.

I have to start somewhere. I've lost myself. Who I am and what I like to do.
It's simple yet complicated. But that is for another blog.

I've come to realize that true happiness has to start with me. I have to be the one to make me happy. I can't or shouldn't depend on someone else to be the reason I am happy. That only puts me in a more vulnerable and dangerous position.

Once I am happy with myself, for myself and about myself that all else will fall into place.

This year is the year of life changes. Some may be good, some may be bad, some happy and some sad. But in the end it is what is right for me and what is going to make me a happier person.

Catch Up

OK I should have written on Monday but I didn't have time.

I started my work outs on Monday. It felt real good. The trainer took me through the weight machine circuit and gave me recommended weights and reps. She made sure I knew how to work the machines, how to adjust the settings and made sure I did the exercise correctly.

For now I do my weight training every other day and my cardiovascular on opposite days but I am combining a little cardio or weight training (depending on which day it is) for every day.

Like yesterday was my cardio day. I worked out for half hour on the treadmill. then I went to the elliptical machine. That was my cardio. Then I ended it with the abdominal crunch machines and the lower back work out.

Today will be my third day. I'm back to the weight training. But I will end up working on the stair stepper before I'm done but only 5-10 minutes.

My arms are so sore today, I hope I will be able to even lift weights LOL


I'll keep you updated on my progress.

How Sexy Are You?

OK I had a little downtime at work today so I took this quiz that asks "How Sexy Are You?"

This is the results:


Sufficiently Sexy

You are fairly comfortable with your sexuality and aren't afraid to play up your sex appeal, but you know when to tone down the sexual dynamo act and let your partner see and appreciate your other wonderful qualities.

Although being physically attractive to the man in your life is important to you, you also want him to value your intelligence, spirit, humor and so on. No doubt he does; what men find most appealing is a woman who believes in herself. Whether you're conscious of it or not, that confidence is evident both in and out of the bedroom -- in the way you move, speak, smile, dress and have sex; women who are confident and comfortable with their sexuality tend to have more satisfying sex lives. That said, don't be surprised if your sex life gets a little humdrum at times -- even the best sexual connections sometimes need a change. So don't be afraid to occasionally rent an erotic movie, wear sexy lingerie or play up your sexiness in the bedroom.


If you would like to take this quiz go check it out here:
http://quiz.ivillage.com/love/tests/Sexycouple.htm?nlcid=sw03-27-2008

A New Begining

Well I've finally done it!

I have signed up at the fitness center.

I have to admit it was a bit scary for me.

First of all I had to do this by myself. Yes I know I'm a big girl but its a bit intimidating to go somewhere that you don't know anyone and the majority of the people there are of course, already in decent shape. I'm sure they are looking at me and thinking "oh god, look at her"

But I have to keep in mind I'm there for a reason: to get in better shape, to get healthier, to make me feel better about myself. At least I am doing something about it now.

I'm excited, a little nervous, a little intimidated but I know this is going to be the start of a good change for me.

I will keep you all informed as to my progress and maybe even post a few picts if I get to be that daring.

Alone

Lately I just feel alone. I could be surrounded by tons of people and I still feel alone.

I feel like there is something missing in my life.

I am very unhappy and I need to do something about that.

The relationship I'm in just seems to be getting worse. My feelings just seem to fall on deaf ears. Nothing lasts and nothing changes.

He is very happy and satisfied with how his life is. He has no responsibilities and doesn't want any.

I need more. I want more.

I can't take the drinking. I was at one point willing to compromise but he has taken each inch I give and runs with it to the point where I just don't want to give anymore.

He constantly tries to twist everything and make it sound like I am making such a big deal out of nothing but you know what, I'm not! I'm not because it is how I feel and that will NEVER change.

So now we have a problem. How do we fix this problem? Well you would hope talking it out and compromise would work, but when you have tried over and over and it just fails you don't have much of a choice left.

What is on my mind today

I've had a lot on my mind for quiet some time. It isn't any "one" thing but a whole lot of different things.

What popped into my mind today was something I have not thought about in a very long time.
I don't know why I thought of it and of all places to have it come running through my mind the shower is not the ideal place for me.

But come to think of it, that is where I ponder most of my thoughts or at least that is where they pop into my head.

Come to think of it again, it might be an appropriate place after all. For this is where it all started.

I believe things happen for a reason but sometimes you can't help but feel guilty or regret, resentment or even hatred for the things that do happen.

When I was young, about 17, I found out I was pregnant.

My BF at the time, I thought I was madly in love with, wasn't the greatest of all people. We had our share of trouble but I was young and he was my first of everything. At first he was happy and supportive but then he wasn't so sure. That was not exactly the time to be unsure of how he felt. Be it about me or the baby.

I was scared and called a hot line. They in turn was helping me by taking me to some place where pregnant teens could stay, get school while they were pregnant and then have the baby, at which time they would be on their own.

Well to condense the story a bit, we ended in a accident the night of the prom. He was severely injured and became paralyzed.

This was a trying time for me. I was confused, scared and of course mostly (at that time) a good girl so I listened to what my parents said. The only thing I was thinking about was my BF. how he was doing. If he would even make it through.

My parents decided that it would be best to terminate the pregnancy. I didn't have much time because I was bordering on the trimesters. Of course, mind you I was only 17, the only support I had was my parents, I didn't even know if my BF was going to live or not. So I just went along with what they wanted.

I do wish I was stronger then. The whole things was a big blur. I know we went to NYC. The night prior to the appointment I had a really bad dream. It's all fuzzy now but I know it was about the baby. Kind of like he was talking to me.

Everything was scary. There were protesters outside. The office was filled with girls/women varying in age. I overheard this one girl had been there numerous times before. I was told that when coming out of the anesthesia I may react in different ways. Some people cry, others get sick, some just don't know where they are.

I remember that when I came to my mom was there and I pushed her away and I started to cry. I knew deep inside I did not want to do this. I wanted the baby.

I tried to rationalize that it was the best thing for me to have done given the situation. I was still in school, my bf was still in school now who knew if he would even survive. What kind of life would I be able to have given my baby? And the idea of giving it up for adoption, not knowing where or who my baby would be with I just couldn't do.

My parents never talked about it or mentioned it again. I felt empty inside.

I have always wanted a baby and I believe that going through that made my feelings for having a baby even stronger.

I know it is not the reason for my infertility but I cannot help to feel that guilt that I am now paying for not being strong enough back then to stand up to my parents and say no I want my baby. So now I feel hurt because I can't seem to have a baby. I feel resentment towards my parents for making be abort my child. I feel guilty every day of my life. Sometimes I even hate those who take what I can't have for granted. Those who do not cherish the ability to be able to feel a life grow inside of them and enjoy every minute. Those who do it for all the wrong reasons.

I've suppressed my feelings for a very long time and very rarely, if ever do I talk about it to anyone. I have come to realize that every year I do get depressed around October. At first I always thought it was because winter was right around the corner but it isn't hat. It's because that is when my baby would have been born. I've even suppressed my feeling for even wanting children. I just don't think of it anymore. I limit myself from those who do at least those with infants.

I would almost go as far as saying I would make a deal with the devil to be able to be pregnant and have my own baby.

But that is silly, after all we know that isn't possible...

Bad Weekend

This has been one of the most horrible weekends I've had in a while.

NO -- I'm NOT OK

NO -- I'm NOT Happy

NO -- I'm NOT going to just forget about it and

NO -- I'm NOT going to get over it


Sorry don't mean anything anymore. It loses it's meaning and affect after the second time and this is WAY past the second time.

It shouldn't matter what my reason is for not liking the drinking, but I feel they are reasonable reasons nonetheless. How it makes me feel should be the important key factor. Disregards to that just means you really don't care how it makes me feel.

I feel I'm not that difficult. I'm even willing to work and come to a compromise but when that is thrown back in my face and I come up with the losing end on that then that is unacceptable.

Why should I even try to compromise anymore when the other end isn't going to me met anyways.

NO -- Why should I even try again? because it won't stick..... IT NEVER STICKS!
Can't even get through one day with the agreement we make. So NO, why should I believe anything.

GIVE ME a reason to believe what you say you will do.

SHOW ME proof that what you say you will do. Because thus far 98% of what you say you never do so that does not show me or give me reason to believe what you say you will do will happen. Just gives me proof against you.

I have to go think now before I say something that may hurt or won't be so nice.

NO -- I'm NOT OK