Who I really am

Who Am I?

I am someone who just wants to be loved.
Who wants to feel loved.
Who wants to be showed that I am loved.

I want to feel needed and wanted.
I want to feel like I am special and important in someone life.

I am a very independent person and because of that I crave this attention. I have this need to be the center of someones world because I have, for a very long time, been the only one to make sure things get taken care of and who has taken care of me.

I need someone to be the one to take care of me for a change.
Not that I would lose my independence because I cant and wont do that but all my life I have been the care taker and care giver. The responsible one, the one to make everyone else happy. Never asking for much in return, just for their love and attention.

I'm not clingy. I feel I give ample space, sometimes maybe too much space. I try to see things their way and I try to be very patient and understanding but even that has its limits.

I really do try to work to compromise but for some reason it always comes back to where I get the short end of the deal.

Do I deserve this treatment? -- No
Am I asking for too much or being unreasonable for what I want or feel? --- No

I am stubborn what it comes to something I feel strongly about. I wont back down easily but at the same time I will try to see the other persons point of view. I expect the same in return.

I am loyal to my friends, family and loved ones but even loyalty can wear thin when you are not treated well.

I don't make empty promises. I really try hard to say what I mean and mean what I say.

Sometimes in the heat of the moment I may say things that I don't necessarily mean but because of the intensity of the situation or if I am backed into a corner I will come out swinging. I wont play fair. I will say things that I feel at that moment that may be hurtful and mean. Sometimes it is the only to get my point across in letting someone know exactly how I'm feeling or that I mean business.

I am hurt. More than anyone could ever know. Definitely more than anyone could ever see. I wont let them see.
I am slowly shutting down and building up walls. My defense mechanism.

Someone who truly knows me and truly cares can see it or sense it. I have to say there is only one maybe two people in this world who can do this, so I have the rest of the world fooled.

It does scare me though. I'm afraid of what might become of me. An empty shell. Happy and smiles on the outside but lonely as hell on the inside. I went through many years like that. I did have a short time when it seemed I had everything I was looking for only to have it ripped away from me..... maybe it was just a dream.

So the question lies: Who am I?

I am a woman who does not give up easily but after being beaten down so many times doesn't feel she has the strength to keep moving on.

I am a woman who, as I said in the beginning, wants to be loved, showed love, and feel loved.

I want to feel more important than work, friends, games, computers, cars, and everything else that keeps the attention of the male species.

I am a woman who will put 120% into any relationship

And when I don't always have to be the care giver, the adult who makes sure everything is taken care of I can let lose and have a little fun. But I don't get that chance often as I always seem to be the one who has to make sure things are taken care of.

Against All Odds

( You Know Who You Are )


How can i just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When i stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what i've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, coause there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all i can do and that's what i've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cause i'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance i've gotta take

Take a look at me now

My Christmas Tree

I know it is a bit early for this ..... But I thought it would be fun to post and see what everyone would like to leave me.

Please leave me a present.

I've been very very good or "Bad" depending on what you like!

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First Snow Fall

Why am I still here in New York, where it is cold?

Today is the first snow fall. Flurries and wind, nothing sticking to the ground but still.

This only means that winter is right around the corner and soon the snow will be accumulating. I'd prefer 90 degree weather and full sun.

Even for Christmas I can do without snow, doesn't bother me in the least.

I still have no heat in my place so I am counting the days until summer again!

Do You Know Where You Live???

Working in circulation I find out more and more how people are just plain stupid.

I know everyone has an off day but being on the other end of the phone each day I seem to see that maybe it just isn't an off day maybe these people really are stupid.

I hear all sorts of dumb things. Like when They want to pay with their credit card and I say OK when you are ready read off your number and they hesitate. As I am impatiently waiting, I can almost hear the gears turning. Then they say to me, "Uh what numbers do your need?"

At this point I am thinking (Have you never used a credit card before?) and then politely say to them, " The numbers on the front of your card." {Duuhhh}

Well the new thing lately is addresses. Due to new postal regulations we need to clean up our mailing lists. We have to make sure all the addresses are correct mailing addresses. Makes sense right? Why would we want to be sending out papers to wrong addresses that will only end up coming back. Or because of having an incorrect address there might be a delay in the delivery of the subscribers paper and they will end up calling me and bitching me out for there wrong doing.

I have well over 100,000 subscribers throughout all the papers we publish so this will take some time to get fixed. But I go through and print out all the invalid addresses and slowly, one by one try to look them up on line. I go through the yellow pages, white pages, 411.com, switchboard, you name it I have been to it. If I can't seem to find an updated address or corrected address I send them out a letter telling them the whole situation.

For the most part I will get back the information I need. But there are always a few that insist we already have their correct address. Some get a little pissy and have to be assholes and say shit like [Give me a break is this wasn't my correct address then how did this letter get to me].

So then I have to dig further and try other resources and other means of getting their correct address. I contact my Customer Service Rep at the main Post Office in Albany.

Jim and I have a special type of relationship. We joke and sometimes just chit chat about other things. This is how we call each other.

But he usually comes through for me and finds my information.

It's just amazing how these people just don't know their correct mailing information. Kinda make me wonder how they live their lives.

Do You Know Where You Live?

Two Bit Morons

Every Year since I can remember Trick or Treat has been 6pm - 8pm.

The past 10 years I have always been swamped with trick or treaters. The last couple of years I wasn't home but this year I was going to be and made sure I would be. I stocked up with candy. I bought bags and bags of it. I h ave a Big cauldron filled to the top with assorted candy and treats plus I have a grocery bag filled with over flow of candy.

I get out of work at 5 pm as do a majority of people in this area do. When I reach my town I notice there are a few children out on the streets already. Most were small infants being pushed by strollers so I thought possibly the firehouse had a costume parade and the children would go trick or treating from there.

I get home run quickly to the house, flip on the light, gather all the candy by the door and impatiently wait for my first child!

Now mind you I have been dressed up in a yellow M&M costume all day and I still had it on because I wanted to hand out candy to the children in it. Maxx, my dog had to go to the bathroom and I made him wait a bit before letting him out the back door.

After about 10 - 15 minutes not seeing anyone coming to my door I let the dog out and started to straighten up my place. Then I headed outside to the front porch to see why I wasn't getting any treaters.

I saw a group of children heading my way so I just waited for them outside and handed out fists full of candy to each child.

Still not knowing what was going on I was quickly getting disappointed.

It was almost 6pm when I decided to go back in the house and just wait for someone to knock on my door. Which is when Danny and his son, Cameron came a knocking.

This is when I found out that they started trick or treating early this year.

Whoever the intelligent numb skull was to decide to change the time to 4 pm - 6 pm was down right moronic!

Most people don't get out of work or even home until 5pm! But lets not think of that now!

So now here I am with a shit load of candy. I'm just not even going to bother with it anymore. Why bother. I think they purposely changed the time to suit the needs of the welfare. Who sit on their asses all day and do nothing.

But that is only my opinion.