Getting Back to Me

The past week of so I have been slowly making a come back.

It won't happen over night and I am not rushing or pushing it but I need to find myself again.

Some how, some way I lost myself. Who I was, what I liked to do, the things that made me happy, my goals, just simply "me".

It started last fall and got worst throughout the winter months. By spring I was completely and deeply depressed. I don't mean that I just wasn't happy or just a little blah feeling. I mean I was clinically depressed. I didn't care about anything or anyone, I didn't care to do anything, go anywhere I tried my hardest to do the things that usually made me feel good and that didn't even help.

I finally went to get some help. Finding out that the majority of it was my medication I was taking for my BP. Within a matter of weeks I was feeling back to normal. (Not saying my life was great or better) but I felt human again. Like I can deal with whatever life throwing at me.

That was the start of being back on track. Like I said my life still wasn't the greatest. Still wasn't at the point of where I want to be. I am not the type that will or can idly sit by and just let things happen because for me then nothing happens. Depending on what it is I want I go out and make it happen.

If I want to be happy I must make myself happy. I can't and shouldn't depend on others to do that for me. I think this is where I started to go wrong. How can I put that pressure and that huge responsibility on someone else. Especially if they aren't Happy themselves. How could I possibly think that they could make me happy and vice versa.

No it is me. It is all up to me now. So I am starting my taking control of my life again. Getting my life in order. I need structure of some sort I can't just faulter. That isn't me. That doesn't mean I can't be spontaneous because I can and most of the time do things on the spur of the moment but I like to have a little guide line of where I am heading.

I realized things starting to shift when my GF and I went out one night. Girls night. We had fun, Lots of fun. I didn't get drunk and I still had a great time. That's what matters. I did what I wanted and liked doing for a change.

Then I spent some time at my other gf House just visiting but it was nice to shoot the breeze. Where she came over to my house last Friday for an hour or two. She needed to get away from her miserable life for a bit. So she stopped over and we talked and had a drink but it was nice.

I miss the old days of hanging out with my friends on the front porch or having a small little fire in the back yard. I need to get back there, to the place when I smile and laughed and just enjoyed myself and I will.