I Never Measure Up

It really sucks to be my own counselor.

Why?

Because being my own counselor I have to diagnose myself. I can't just let myself be upset, mad or sad.

I have to look at all the sides and play out all the scenarios. I have to be understanding to where someone else is coming from. Making all excuses as to why they say what they did, why they feel they way they do, or think the way they think. But do they see it from my POV?

No, No they don't.

I'm so tired of feeling like I just can never measure up!

I can see where my actions come from. Why it is I am always looking for better, striving for better.

It comes from my baggage I have with my parents.

It just never seems like I can do enough to please them. It is always something that I could do to be better to make that happier.

If I had a better job, if I lost weight, if I could keep my house immaculate just maybe they would love me more. I would be the perfect person they want me to be.

Nothing is said when I have my house clean for days or weeks on end. Just when I happened to be on the run and don't have time to get things put away. Nothing is said when I go above and beyond my job. Nothing is said if I lose a pound or two only that some article of clothing I have one makes me look fat.

I have been struggling the past few months to keep my head above water. To beat this depression I happened to have stumbled head on into.

I am happy to say I have been doing very well. I have been slowly getting back to "me"
It is hard when I have so much around me that affects me and makes me feel the way I have been.

But I thought I had been doing a lot better. Improving on my life and then to get slammed today by my parents, makes me feel like all my hard work has been pulled out from under me. A set back.

I know, you're saying just let it go, shrug it off... it is easier said than done. When you h ave the same words playing over and over in your head. It's hard to get over.

I won't ever measure up to my parents expectations.

I don't even think I can or will ever measure up to my expectations.