Running Through My Mind

arrogant

annoying

bigland
bloviate

conceited

ass

jerk

self-important

cocky

egotistical

elitist

haughty

narcissistic

self-centered

smug

garrulous

hypocrite

obnoxious

prick

plaquefetus

snarky

vain

know it all

dick

wanker
windbag

Big Girls Don't Cry

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me, now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I forsee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like a little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend
And you'll be mine, valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'cause I wanna hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity yeah

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry
da da da da da da




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Banning Microwave Popcorn!

Beware Evil Microwave Popcorn!

Yes, thats right I heard it on the radio today. The city of Seattle has in the works to ban microwave popcorn from city buildings.

Here is a memo that was sent to the employees.

M E M O R A N D U M
DATE:June 9, 2007

TO:Employees at Civic Center Buildings
FROM:FFD
Facility Operations Division
RE:Burnt Microwave Popcorn and Building
Evacuations

At our Civic Center buildings we continue to see a high number of instances of employees burning microwave popcorn and triggering the building smoke alarms. This is a serious issue which requires Fire Department emergency response, building evacuation, and resetting of building systems. Each evacuation causes disruption to City services for at least 30-40 minutes and has considerable actual costs to the City. It also poses safety and security issues, especially at the Justice Center which includes jail facilities and active courtrooms.

In May, we had the most recent building evacuation at the Justice Center
due to burnt microwave popcorn. This is the eighth time in less than three years that we had to evacuate 400+ persons from Justice Center due to burnt popcorn. We have also had multiple evacuations of 300+ persons at City Hall and Seattle Municipal Tower due to burnt popcorn.

If this problem continues, it will result in a ban of all microwave
popcorn in downtown City buildings, as some other downtown buildings have done.

We would like your help in eliminating these alarms due to burnt
microwave popcorn, so we dont have to ban it. Please read and follow package instructions. Stay by the microwave and listen to the pop, to know when to stop.

Thank you for your cooperation.

What are your thoughts about this?

What's Up Doc??

Last Friday I went back to the doctors basically just to see how I was doing.

My BP was great (So He says) so he dropping my one med completely.

Asked how I was doing with the Wellbutrin and I told him that I have noticed that the small things that was bothering me big time didn't seem to bother me so much.

Dr Riley told me that it takes about 6 weeks for the pills to take full effect. I already feel much better and kinda myself again.

I've just got to learn to let certain things go and the only way I can do that so that my BP doesn't sky rocket or for me to stress out about it is to remove myself from the situations.

I'm starting to learn I don't have to deal with things if I don't want to. It's my choice - my "free will"

So now when I start to get enraged, upset, depressed I will remove myself from the problem.

I know it is easier said then done but at least I will try - - what do I have to lose?

YES, IT IS FINALLY OVER!!!!!!!

I will have you all know that as of last Friday June 8th, 2007 I have made my final car payment.

The struggles, the hassles, the phone calls, the worries making the payment are all finally over!

"Doing the Happy Dance"

I would think I would have extra money but now I h ave to catch up on all my other bills that got put behind.

With one less worry on my shoulders!

Woot Woot

Above and Beyond

Monday morning I came into my office and there sitting on my desk was this maroon looking folder.

I looked at it puzzled because I didn't know what it was for or where it had come from.

When I checked it out I was a bit surprised.

It was a Certificate it said:

Above and Beyond

Presented to

Tracy Crouse

voted "Best in Customer Service" by your

peers for your willingness to help out,

follow through and get the job done!

Last week was Lee Publications Annual Sales Meeting. Every year all the sales reps come in from all over for a 2 day meeting. They have a dinner and awards are handed out after.

I don't go to these meetings or dinners because I am not a sales rep. Which is why I was so surprised to have received this award certificate.

It is nice to be acknowledged and appreciated

Thank You

So this weekend was a very productive weekend for me.

Friday night there was a bonfire that we went to.

It was quiet interesting to say the least. Wouldn't you know that once we had things set up it decided to rain.
Which was fun moving all the food and chairs into the garage as the rain came down. There was slight drama, which I am not going to get into. All I will say is "Alpha Female".

Me on the other hand just sat back and watched everyone. I contributed to a couple of conversations but for the most part just sat and enjoyed my surroundings.

I did happen to fall down Mike's stairs. So that was a down side but I didn't get too hurt. I was trying to avoid stepping on some of the crap he had laying around on the steps and when I did my foot slipped off the step and I fell. I was about 4 steps up from the bottom and landing on a small crate that had his tapes and CD in. It happened all so fast that I don't remember screaming or making any kind of noise when I was falling, but Mike said I let out this blood curdling scream. After I fell I rolled over onto my hands and knees and just stayed there. Mainly because I was hurting and was trying not to lose it. Secondly, I think I was really trying to wrap my brain around what had just happened.

Mike came flying down the stairs, almost in a frantic state, asking if I was OK. I found out later that his first thought was that someone had broken into the house and was attacking me.

He may not think that he helped me in anyway but he did. Once I was able to get up he gave me a hug and just held me in his arms for a bit and that made me feel alt better.


I already had it planned to go home early Saturday night. He was suppose to play D&D with his friends. When he does they start the game so late at night and they play for like 6 hours or more. There is no way I could do that.
So instead of going with him (which he always wants me to do) and becoming miserable and a killjoy for them I decided I would just go home.

I know he wanted me to stay at his place and not go home, but Like I said, he would be playing all night and not get home til like 5 am. So I would be sitting at his place by myself bored out of my mind. Yes, I could and would go to sleep but then when he finally got home he would be tired and want to go to sleep (Most of the day), which then I would be getting up and still sitting there alone. So it really isn't fair to me to have to go through that and it isn't fair for me to not let him get his rest after being up all night long. The logical thing would be for me to go home, where I having things I could do, instead of wasting my time doing nothing.

Anyway, to get back on track, surprisingly he decided he wasn't going to play. I would like to think this had all to do with me and him wanting to spend more time with me, but I think it was partly because he wasn't feeling well.

Even though he stayed home, we really didn't spend much time interacting with one another. I was on my laptop and he was on his computer and that was about it. I did start to get a little restless and bored. Which I was starting to think maybe I should go home anyways. I just wasn't feeling comfortable there anymore and just wanted to be home where I did feel comfortable. But I stuck it out. Mike set it up so that I could have my laptop in him living room, so I could set on his couch and watch Internet TV.

Mike and I had some memorable moments which was just off the charts.

When I went home early Sunday I washed my car and straightened up my house. I got it all finished by noon so that the rest of the afternoon I could just relax and chill out.

To top it off, Mike and I talked on the phone later that night and we had a very good conversation. We haven't had one of those in a long time. It was nice. I was happy, for the first time in a long time I was actually happy.

With all that said I just wanted to Thank My Baby Boo for making my weekend good.
I went to bed smiling, content and thinking of all the "Fun" we had (Which put an even bigger smile on my face)

Follow Up

Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment with my doctor.

So far all the blood tests he did the last time came back normal.

We'll see how dropping the dosage for my BP is doing and possible switch me to a different medication.

The Wellbutrin seems to be working well. But the past couple of days I am starting to get that anxiety feeling.
I'm trying to work through it by keeping myself busy and my mind off certain things and that does help but it's been hard.

I am starting to feel out of control again and I hate that feeling.

I am not one to really ask for help but that is what I need. I have been thinking a lot about seeing and talking to a counselor. Maybe they can help me figure out how to deal with the anxiety I am feeling.

I don't need help to figure out what is wrong with me, that I already know and I know where it stems from. I just need guidance as to help me fix and deal with it.

I've been on my own, having to deal with everything by myself for a very very long time. I would so love for someone to just take me away and take care of me for a change but I don't see that happening.

I did hear from a very good friend of mine. We haven't talked much lately but we do keep in touch from time to time. I was asked to go away (get away) for a few days for some R&R. That couldn't have come at a better time!

Don't know where or when yet but I am already looking forward to it!

What You've All Been Waiting For ......

Saturday May 19th, 2007
Palace Theater
Albany, NY

GODSMACK

We had VIP Passes.

We got to go to a preshow party that served drinks and food.


The got crowd free shopping privileges.



The Doors were to Open at 7pm but we were let in early so that we could choose from the number of Godsmack items they were selling without having to wait in line.


Then we headed upstairs where they served beer, wine and soda and some food. They had vegetable tray, chicken wings, cheese and crackers, chips of all sorts, and a few mexican items.

Then they did a raffle giveaway.

We finally got our swag (promotional items they give away to us)

Here is where we got our autographed picture of Godsmack, Sullys books "The Paths we Choose" (Which I already had and read), a beanie hat, and Godsmack belt buckle.

Shortly after that the band comes up the stair to meet and greet us and get our pictures taken with them.

Up until this point it was ok But when I finally saw them walking up the stairs it was so surreal.

Sully Erna was standing right there in front of me! Close enough for me to touch. I felt all shaky inside!

There was about 60 people there with VIP Passes so they had to move things along rather quickly.

We all had to get in line to get our turn with the band.

We were the third group in line. It all happened so fast. We were up and I got to shake Shannon's hand (He's the drummer), then I got to shake Sully's hand and just say hi. I told him that I read his book and that I really enjoyed it. He said Thank you. That was just so awesome! I've never really met anyone of any kind of start status that I really liked. So it was quite the treat.

I just couldn't get over how short he really was.

But it was Sully so it just didn't matter.

Then we got our picture taken. I got to stand next to him. I didn't think to put my arm around him. But who really cares I was still next to him.

We were allowed to bring our cameras. I had mine out in the car because they were saying prior to us being let in that no cameras were allowed. But because of my VIP Pass I was able to come and go as I pleased so I took all the swag out to my car and got my camera.

After everyone got their picture taken with the band we were handed our tickets and then let back down to where we could go to our seats. The doors were open to the public by this time.

We had awesome seats!!!

Fourth row right in the center. It was so awesome. We lucked out big time! I was able to get great pictures (Which I'm still downloading onto my computer).

I met this girl there. Her name was Lexy. We almost got to jump up to the front row when Godsmack came on but the one stupid staff guide made us go back to our seats after he checked our tickets. There was no one sitting in the front row so I don't see how it would hurt. But we headed back to our seats.

This was my Third time seeing Godsmack in concert. and they just get better and better each time!

I am definitely seeing them again when they come around. Can't wait!

GODSMACK RULES!

I will be posting the pictures up somewhere - Hopefully soon.

But in the mean time here are a few selected picts I took

Alone

I am better off alone, just like I am right now. Sitting her all by my lonesome writing in this pathetic blog.

Even my happy pills won't help numb this feeling. Although I do have to say that they seem to be dulling the pain or maybe its that I just don't care anymore.

I always put everyone first. Make them happy. In the mean time where do I rate? I always seem to take the back burner. Don't worry - she will understand, she'll get over it.

Who cares if she gets mad or it will upset her. Out of everyone to pick to let down and not care if they get upset, mad, or disappoint-- I seem to be the one who always gets picked. .

I need to be there for me now. I need to think of me for a change. Find what will make me happy. If that makes me sound like a bitch well then -- so be it

I only want back what I put in. Which I seem to put in a lot more than I ever seem to get out. It's way too draining on me emotionally, mentally.

Its like day and night and when there is that much difference its just impossible to be happy at the same time. In order for one to be happy the other ends up being miserable.

I'm tired of being the one who always chases after someone, try to make the whole relations better and work and for it to be a happy one.

I need to be the one that is chased. I want to be shown that I am wanted and needed so much that nothing is to small or large an obstacle to stand in the way that they will do anything to get me and have me.

I don't feel that is too much to ask for. Why don't I feel that is too much to ask for??? Because that is the way I make them feel. I do all that for them or at least I use to.

And if I cant get that, if I cant get what I want then I might as well be alone, because that is the way I end up feeling anyway.