Reprieve

I realized today that I am starting to become unravelled.

I thought things were going well and that I was, for the most part, happy.
But over the weekend Mike said something to me that has now made me step back and examine things.

He said that I always seem to be down or in a bad mood....... I mean I do have my days just like everyone else does but I thought I have been happy. I might bitch about a customer or how something at work sucks or maybe how some bill collector is now on my ass .......but I thought in general my non business part of life I was happy and in a good mood.

But now that I take a closer look maybe he is right.

I have been tired lately. I thought it was due to a few things: Possibly my blood iron is low (I do tend to get a little anemic at times), not getting enough sleep or exercise, this bland cold, snowy weather, and the big one....STRESS!

I am worn out. I guess I am my own worst enemy too.
I try to make everyone happy, I go out of my way to make sure those I love and care about have my support and are happy. In my head I know how I want things to be. How I want my life to be, my relationships, my finances, work etc. and when reality deals hit and it isn't what I excepted I am not happy and I work even harder to make them the way I feel they should be. I guess my expectations are way too high. But that is me and always will be. I always have been an over achiever. I will always want to be better, to live better. I don't like to settle because when I do settle I tend to lose myself.

What I need to do is disappear. Like a turtle, just withdraw into my shell.
Self examine, work through, figure things out, find out who I am, what will make me happy or better yet...how to make me happy so that everyone around me can be happy too.

I have been really emotional. Either misunderstanding what is said or blowing things out of proportion. I need to numb myself once, shut down before I short circuit myself. That isn't a pretty sight either.

Kind of like taking a reprieve.

Hopefully I will make it out alive once again, stronger and better than before.