It's no wonder I am becoming unravelled or seem detached.
I've got everyone coming at me from all angles. I am busting my ass to get the work done but it just seems to keep piling up more and more no matter how hard or fast I work, the phone keep ringing off the hook, not giving me a chance to get my work done because I have to stop everything and take care of some dumb ass customer that has no clue what they want or doesn't have any of their information handy to help me help them or they ask a thousand and one questions, which I end up repeating a twice because they just don't get it!
I am about ready to just explode inside. I just want to tell everyone to fucking leave me alone.
Stop calling me, stop asking me to do shit for you.
Better yet why don't you get off your lazy asses and do some of the work yourself!
When I have a lot of work to do I work hard and fast. I don't have time for idol chit chat or stupid questions. So if I seem quiet or distant or just plain out of it I have a good reason.
I think my blood pressure is on the rise again I can feel the pressure in my head again and I doubt any amount of pills will help me.
So If my head doesn't explode............ I will be back to write yet another day
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
It Ends Tonight
"It Ends Tonight"
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends
Monday, February 26, 2007
Reprieve
I realized today that I am starting to become unravelled.
I thought things were going well and that I was, for the most part, happy.
But over the weekend Mike said something to me that has now made me step back and examine things.
He said that I always seem to be down or in a bad mood....... I mean I do have my days just like everyone else does but I thought I have been happy. I might bitch about a customer or how something at work sucks or maybe how some bill collector is now on my ass .......but I thought in general my non business part of life I was happy and in a good mood.
But now that I take a closer look maybe he is right.
I have been tired lately. I thought it was due to a few things: Possibly my blood iron is low (I do tend to get a little anemic at times), not getting enough sleep or exercise, this bland cold, snowy weather, and the big one....STRESS!
I am worn out. I guess I am my own worst enemy too.
I try to make everyone happy, I go out of my way to make sure those I love and care about have my support and are happy. In my head I know how I want things to be. How I want my life to be, my relationships, my finances, work etc. and when reality deals hit and it isn't what I excepted I am not happy and I work even harder to make them the way I feel they should be. I guess my expectations are way too high. But that is me and always will be. I always have been an over achiever. I will always want to be better, to live better. I don't like to settle because when I do settle I tend to lose myself.
What I need to do is disappear. Like a turtle, just withdraw into my shell.
Self examine, work through, figure things out, find out who I am, what will make me happy or better yet...how to make me happy so that everyone around me can be happy too.
I have been really emotional. Either misunderstanding what is said or blowing things out of proportion. I need to numb myself once, shut down before I short circuit myself. That isn't a pretty sight either.
Kind of like taking a reprieve.
Hopefully I will make it out alive once again, stronger and better than before.
I thought things were going well and that I was, for the most part, happy.
But over the weekend Mike said something to me that has now made me step back and examine things.
He said that I always seem to be down or in a bad mood....... I mean I do have my days just like everyone else does but I thought I have been happy. I might bitch about a customer or how something at work sucks or maybe how some bill collector is now on my ass .......but I thought in general my non business part of life I was happy and in a good mood.
But now that I take a closer look maybe he is right.
I have been tired lately. I thought it was due to a few things: Possibly my blood iron is low (I do tend to get a little anemic at times), not getting enough sleep or exercise, this bland cold, snowy weather, and the big one....STRESS!
I am worn out. I guess I am my own worst enemy too.
I try to make everyone happy, I go out of my way to make sure those I love and care about have my support and are happy. In my head I know how I want things to be. How I want my life to be, my relationships, my finances, work etc. and when reality deals hit and it isn't what I excepted I am not happy and I work even harder to make them the way I feel they should be. I guess my expectations are way too high. But that is me and always will be. I always have been an over achiever. I will always want to be better, to live better. I don't like to settle because when I do settle I tend to lose myself.
What I need to do is disappear. Like a turtle, just withdraw into my shell.
Self examine, work through, figure things out, find out who I am, what will make me happy or better yet...how to make me happy so that everyone around me can be happy too.
I have been really emotional. Either misunderstanding what is said or blowing things out of proportion. I need to numb myself once, shut down before I short circuit myself. That isn't a pretty sight either.
Kind of like taking a reprieve.
Hopefully I will make it out alive once again, stronger and better than before.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Take This Paper and Shove It!
I've had this one customer (Joseph Jaswell) over the past 4 days call me three times!!!
His complaint was that he was not receiving his paper. I tried explaining to him what the problem was but he just wasn't listening. He insisted that it was me that was holding his paper and not sending it out. "Oh yes, out of over 50,000 customers I just single his old decrepit ass out and decided not to send his piece of shit paper!"
I proceeded to make him aware of all the efforts I have made to get to the bottom of why he wasn't getting his paper. I also made him aware that the problem seems to be at the Springfield Distribution Center in MA.
It was like talking to a brick wall. No matter what I told him or How I told him he just wouldn't listen.
Determined to place the blame on me. I started to get pissed. My tone became more sarcastic. After the third call I actually came out and asked him if he thought that out of 50,000 customers I just picked him out and held on to his paper.
When he called back today he tried waving around how he talked to his lawyer about this problem. I'm not really sure what that was suppose to accomplish because first of all Tactics like that only work on people who cares and I don't give a rats ass!
Secondly, even if you have any legal grounds it wouldn't be me you are going to come after. and even if you could, you wouldn't get much.
So Mr. Jaswell, by this time and tried my last nerve and now I'm being even more blunt with him. Not that it matters because he acts as if it is all going over his head.
So after all his ramblings he said he would give it a few more days (Like anything will be accomplished in a few days) and I told him that. Then I told him I would try to pull a miracle out my ass.
His complaint was that he was not receiving his paper. I tried explaining to him what the problem was but he just wasn't listening. He insisted that it was me that was holding his paper and not sending it out. "Oh yes, out of over 50,000 customers I just single his old decrepit ass out and decided not to send his piece of shit paper!"
I proceeded to make him aware of all the efforts I have made to get to the bottom of why he wasn't getting his paper. I also made him aware that the problem seems to be at the Springfield Distribution Center in MA.
It was like talking to a brick wall. No matter what I told him or How I told him he just wouldn't listen.
Determined to place the blame on me. I started to get pissed. My tone became more sarcastic. After the third call I actually came out and asked him if he thought that out of 50,000 customers I just picked him out and held on to his paper.
When he called back today he tried waving around how he talked to his lawyer about this problem. I'm not really sure what that was suppose to accomplish because first of all Tactics like that only work on people who cares and I don't give a rats ass!
Secondly, even if you have any legal grounds it wouldn't be me you are going to come after. and even if you could, you wouldn't get much.
So Mr. Jaswell, by this time and tried my last nerve and now I'm being even more blunt with him. Not that it matters because he acts as if it is all going over his head.
So after all his ramblings he said he would give it a few more days (Like anything will be accomplished in a few days) and I told him that. Then I told him I would try to pull a miracle out my ass.
I have had numerous thoughts of his demise. Which left a big smile on my face.
The safer thought of cancelling his paper and refunding what is left on his subscription with a note to him stating: "Due to the reoccurring delivery problems we cannot seem to fix, I have decided it would be for the best to cancel your paper and refund what is left of your subscription fee" is probably the better form of action for me to follow through with.
The one case where the customer is NOT right!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Perfect End To The Week
So earlier I wrote how my week was a crappy week.
Well to top it off I did something completely unlike me.
Mike had to work until 5pm Saturday and I was going to pick him up from work. So I headed over early I had to run a few errand and stop at Wal-mart to get dog food and some personal items.
I was making good time, it was shortly after 4pm when I was in like to check out.
I packed my car of my purchases and was getting ready to return the cart to its rightful spot when, not even thinking I slammed my car door shut!
An immediate "Oh Fuck: came out of my mouth as I patted down my pant pockets. I threw my keys in on the seat (something I never ever do - and with good reason)
What and I to do now???
I called Mike to let him know what I had done and that I would be late picking him up. I was almost in a frantic state. I do have an extra set of keys but they are at home! Just imagine if I had the extra set in my car....I'd been screwed then.
So now the question is who can I call to get me my keys. I thought maybe Paul......But then I was afraid he would make some dumb ass comment and I was in no mood for that. So I called my mom.
She was willing to go to my place pick up the keys and drive them all the way over to Gloversville Wal-mart.
I LOVE MY MOM! No matter what I say about her any other time.
I figured it would take her about an hour to get there. It was about 4:30pm at that time.
With all the snow and slush from the previous storm my feet were cold and wet which makes me extremely and I mean EXTREMELY unhappy and miserable.
But all ended up good. About 5:30 my mom showed up with my keys. I was still upset with myself but she laughed at me.
Just the perfect end to a horrible week!
Well to top it off I did something completely unlike me.
Mike had to work until 5pm Saturday and I was going to pick him up from work. So I headed over early I had to run a few errand and stop at Wal-mart to get dog food and some personal items.
I was making good time, it was shortly after 4pm when I was in like to check out.
I packed my car of my purchases and was getting ready to return the cart to its rightful spot when, not even thinking I slammed my car door shut!
An immediate "Oh Fuck: came out of my mouth as I patted down my pant pockets. I threw my keys in on the seat (something I never ever do - and with good reason)
What and I to do now???
I called Mike to let him know what I had done and that I would be late picking him up. I was almost in a frantic state. I do have an extra set of keys but they are at home! Just imagine if I had the extra set in my car....I'd been screwed then.
So now the question is who can I call to get me my keys. I thought maybe Paul......But then I was afraid he would make some dumb ass comment and I was in no mood for that. So I called my mom.
She was willing to go to my place pick up the keys and drive them all the way over to Gloversville Wal-mart.
I LOVE MY MOM! No matter what I say about her any other time.
I figured it would take her about an hour to get there. It was about 4:30pm at that time.
With all the snow and slush from the previous storm my feet were cold and wet which makes me extremely and I mean EXTREMELY unhappy and miserable.
But all ended up good. About 5:30 my mom showed up with my keys. I was still upset with myself but she laughed at me.
Just the perfect end to a horrible week!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentines Day
Something told me at the beginning of this week that it was going to be a Very BAD week!
So far Monday was the only calm day. It wasn’t good or bad.
Tuesday was just the day from hell. I was running late for work. Then I remembered I forgot to pay my auto insurance and it just cancelled out on Monday. So I had to deal with that. Now Valentines Day was the next day and there was this big storm coming. I usually hate Valentines Day but this year I was looking forward to it.
Mike and I wouldn’t have been able to see each other anyways on Valentines Day but we already had it planned to celebrate it on Friday when I came up to see him. But with him every day (for the most part) seems like Valentines Day. He always showers me with his love, hugs and kisses.
Now it comes to today, Wednesday, February 14, 2007. It started around 9-10 pm the night before. The snow started falling and didn’t stop!
I was up at 6:30 AM and went out to try to shovel my way out. I came in about 7:30 to warm up a bit. I went back out about 8am. It was like I never shoveled at all. It took me until a little after 9 am to finish but the snow was still coming down fast. I quickly took a shower called work to let them know I was now attempting to head into work and practically held my breath the whole way in.
The roads were terrible, still covered with snow. I was afraid if I stopped to turn around or even slowed down more than I was I would have gotten stuck. So I kept on trucking, slow and steady. By 10 am I made it to work, not sure if I’d make it back home.
By noon it was said that Montgomery County was in a state of emergency. They were going to stop plowing the roads on route 5 and 5S (our two main roads) and that between noon and 6pm the snow was to get worse. It was getting heavier and was suppose to fall between 3-5 inches an hour. Well by 12:30 got out of there to head home. Getting stuck in the parking lot. The snow was already up to my door in that short period of time. Once I finally got out and on the road (which wasn’t any better) I didn’t stop for anything. I kept going at a slow and steady pace.
Certain spots was like a white out. Visibility was non existing, then some idiot is stopped in the middle of the road! HELLO -- How Stupid Are You??!!!
Thank goodness no cars were coming on the opposite side. I didn't bother to stop just went around him. Finally I made it home and plowed into my parking spot. When my car couldn't move any further that is where I left my car.
So I spend the rest of the day and night alone with my two cats and dog all cuddle up in my bed watching movies and playing games on the computer.
Thursday was worse because now I had to dig my way out. There was no way in hell I was going to be getting out any time soon!
The snow had to be at least 3-4 feet. Poor Maxx wasn't able to go to the bathroom until I shovelled an area out for him.
My back and shoulders were already hurting from the day before, I just didn't know what to do. Until this guy on a tractor with a front loader was heading up the street. He stopped and asked if I had someone plowing me out and I raised my hands and said, "You're looking at it!"
A shocked looked on his face he asked if it was worth $10 for him to push the snow out of the way. HELL YEAH!
That saved me lots of time and back breaking work! I never thought I'd be SO happy to see a tractor the guy was a God send. But I still had to dig my car out. That was completely covered. It took a while but I took my time and eventually made it into work around noonish. My arms felt all wobbly and I was tired. I could have easily closed my eyes and snoozed. But I didn't want to use any of my sick or personal time or even vacation time. I have better use for those when the weather is nice and I can actually do things or go places.
I did take pictures I just have to get them developed and I will post the picts.
So far Monday was the only calm day. It wasn’t good or bad.
Tuesday was just the day from hell. I was running late for work. Then I remembered I forgot to pay my auto insurance and it just cancelled out on Monday. So I had to deal with that. Now Valentines Day was the next day and there was this big storm coming. I usually hate Valentines Day but this year I was looking forward to it.
Mike and I wouldn’t have been able to see each other anyways on Valentines Day but we already had it planned to celebrate it on Friday when I came up to see him. But with him every day (for the most part) seems like Valentines Day. He always showers me with his love, hugs and kisses.
Now it comes to today, Wednesday, February 14, 2007. It started around 9-10 pm the night before. The snow started falling and didn’t stop!
I was up at 6:30 AM and went out to try to shovel my way out. I came in about 7:30 to warm up a bit. I went back out about 8am. It was like I never shoveled at all. It took me until a little after 9 am to finish but the snow was still coming down fast. I quickly took a shower called work to let them know I was now attempting to head into work and practically held my breath the whole way in.
The roads were terrible, still covered with snow. I was afraid if I stopped to turn around or even slowed down more than I was I would have gotten stuck. So I kept on trucking, slow and steady. By 10 am I made it to work, not sure if I’d make it back home.
By noon it was said that Montgomery County was in a state of emergency. They were going to stop plowing the roads on route 5 and 5S (our two main roads) and that between noon and 6pm the snow was to get worse. It was getting heavier and was suppose to fall between 3-5 inches an hour. Well by 12:30 got out of there to head home. Getting stuck in the parking lot. The snow was already up to my door in that short period of time. Once I finally got out and on the road (which wasn’t any better) I didn’t stop for anything. I kept going at a slow and steady pace.
Certain spots was like a white out. Visibility was non existing, then some idiot is stopped in the middle of the road! HELLO -- How Stupid Are You??!!!
Thank goodness no cars were coming on the opposite side. I didn't bother to stop just went around him. Finally I made it home and plowed into my parking spot. When my car couldn't move any further that is where I left my car.
So I spend the rest of the day and night alone with my two cats and dog all cuddle up in my bed watching movies and playing games on the computer.
Thursday was worse because now I had to dig my way out. There was no way in hell I was going to be getting out any time soon!
The snow had to be at least 3-4 feet. Poor Maxx wasn't able to go to the bathroom until I shovelled an area out for him.
My back and shoulders were already hurting from the day before, I just didn't know what to do. Until this guy on a tractor with a front loader was heading up the street. He stopped and asked if I had someone plowing me out and I raised my hands and said, "You're looking at it!"
A shocked looked on his face he asked if it was worth $10 for him to push the snow out of the way. HELL YEAH!
That saved me lots of time and back breaking work! I never thought I'd be SO happy to see a tractor the guy was a God send. But I still had to dig my car out. That was completely covered. It took a while but I took my time and eventually made it into work around noonish. My arms felt all wobbly and I was tired. I could have easily closed my eyes and snoozed. But I didn't want to use any of my sick or personal time or even vacation time. I have better use for those when the weather is nice and I can actually do things or go places.
I did take pictures I just have to get them developed and I will post the picts.
Friday, February 09, 2007
The Depths of Oblivion
Winter isn't over with yet and I'm still trying to dig myself out of a hole. Some weeks I break even and others it seems I slid deep into the dark depths of oblivion.
With inflation and cost of living increase continuously increasing as my paycheck stands still just doesn't help my situation out any.
Tempted many times to just pack up and move. Move somewhere warmer (at least) and where jobs are more abundant or at least better paying.
If the right opportunity comes along..... "adios baby"
I don't get to see and spend time with Mike as much as I would like. It makes it rougher on me because the one or two days I do get to see him we try (or at least I try) to get everything in within that short amount of time.
What makes it harder is that he doesn't drive. So it is all up to me to go to his place or if he is to come to my place then I have to go there pick him up and then bring him back then take him back home. With my finances they way they are it is easier and cheaper for me to just go there.
Even though things have gotten better between us we still have a long way to go. I feel we have two separate lives still. my world with him in his world and then I have my own world with my family and friends. March 17th will be a year we've been together. He has yet to meet any of my friends or family. He has only been to my place twice and that was only for about an hour each time.
I know the big reason for this was because the first 6 months were rocky with him drinking. I didn't want to and wasn't going to introduce him to any of my friends or family. I was too embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want to push him too much now because he is still working on himself and making his life much better and I couldn't be more proud of him.
What I'm afraid of is that I won't have the money to spend to have what little time I do have with him. And all I want to do is to get to know him more and have him get to know me better. For us to have our talks about everything and anything, watch movies, play pool, take walks, hold hands, and cuddle.
With inflation and cost of living increase continuously increasing as my paycheck stands still just doesn't help my situation out any.
Tempted many times to just pack up and move. Move somewhere warmer (at least) and where jobs are more abundant or at least better paying.
If the right opportunity comes along..... "adios baby"
I don't get to see and spend time with Mike as much as I would like. It makes it rougher on me because the one or two days I do get to see him we try (or at least I try) to get everything in within that short amount of time.
What makes it harder is that he doesn't drive. So it is all up to me to go to his place or if he is to come to my place then I have to go there pick him up and then bring him back then take him back home. With my finances they way they are it is easier and cheaper for me to just go there.
Even though things have gotten better between us we still have a long way to go. I feel we have two separate lives still. my world with him in his world and then I have my own world with my family and friends. March 17th will be a year we've been together. He has yet to meet any of my friends or family. He has only been to my place twice and that was only for about an hour each time.
I know the big reason for this was because the first 6 months were rocky with him drinking. I didn't want to and wasn't going to introduce him to any of my friends or family. I was too embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want to push him too much now because he is still working on himself and making his life much better and I couldn't be more proud of him.
What I'm afraid of is that I won't have the money to spend to have what little time I do have with him. And all I want to do is to get to know him more and have him get to know me better. For us to have our talks about everything and anything, watch movies, play pool, take walks, hold hands, and cuddle.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Another Year Older
So it's my Birthday tomorrow.35 years ago, on February 8th, I was born in Seoul Korea at 7:47. From the stories my parents tell me I was almost air born!
It was snowing pretty bad and they had to take my mom to the hospital but the hospital was on the other side of the mountains. It would have taken too long if they took an ambulance, so the quickest way was to take a helicopter. Mind you my dad was in the army at the time so this is how it was all possible.
Most people don't like their birthdays once they start to get older but I do!
I don't think of myself as being old. I guess in my mind I still feel 25. I know I don't look 35. I still get carded for lottery tickets for crying out loud.
I have good and bad aspects of being 35.
Bad Aspects: I am 35 and I am still not really settled down. I don't have my own family. This is something I still really would like. But I am childless. By the time my parents were my age my brother were already born and on our way to growing up. So I tend to miss out on the "family" thing when everyone talks about their children.
I don't have my own house (Still renting) I just kind of feel like I'm floundering at times.
I was married but they didn't turn out very well. We are separated now but we get along so much better now.
Good Aspects: I am free to come and go as I please. I am not tied down. When most of my friends have to make plans well in advance or just can't just pick up and go out to a club or bar or even shopping I can just go on a whim at the last minute. I can pack up my car and just drive to Florida if I wanted. So that is a nice plus.
Because I still rent I don't have to spend tons of money (I don't have) fixing up my place. If something goes wrong I just tell the landlord and they fix it.
As for my relationships, I live and learn. The most important thing is to be happy. Life is too short to be miserable and to live miserable. There is so much out there that I still want to do and see and experience. I don't want to waste my life feeling sorry or being miserable or sad or upset.
I want to be happy and have fun and enjoy. Yes, I want to share that with someone special but I am not going to sacrifice my happiness to do it.
Right now I am lucky. I do have someone to share it with. It was a little rocky at the start but things are good now. And as long as they stay good and we continue to grow together and are happy we will be alright.
But there are no guarantees in life. People change, situations change. If there comes a time when were are not happy anymore, as much as I will hate to, I will walk away.
I have come a long way, every year a little more wiser.
But still always smiling. Happy Birthday To Me!
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Great Hoping Jalapeno!!
I was in the process of making a vegetable stir fry last night. I had green peppers, red peppers, mushrooms, and carrots.
Well I also had a bunch of jalapenos that I was going to make jalapeno poppers a bit later so I decided to take one and chop it up and put in my stir fry. I love hot spicy foods, so I figured this would give it a kick.
After starting the stir fry I washed my hands and started my clean up and of course you know how you always get the pesky little nose it when you are in the middle of something......... well that's what I got.
Without thinking I just itched the tip of my nose, washed my hands again and continued my clean up. A few minutes later my nose got all tingly and started to burn. At this point it wasn't too bad.
I giggled a little because it did feel funny, almost numbing. I continued on with my stir fry, mixing it up to make sure it cooked fully through.
You know how your nose starts to run when you have something hot??
Yep you got it! My nose started to run a bit and I was right in the middle of making my stir fry I didn't want to have to stop to grab a tissue and then wash my hands again. so I just gave a quick sniff to tide me over a few minutes.
WOW! YIKES! YOWZERS!!!! Talk about clearing out my nasal passage!
OMG! It instantly went to my brain!
My eyes watered and I felt like I was breathing fire! As a matter of fact I WAS breathing FIRE!
Every time I breathed in it intensified. So here I am at the kitchen sink bent over trying to rinse out my nose! Well not really rinse out my nose but splashing cold water over it.
I can see it now......I'm sitting there at rehab, while others are telling how they do crack, coke, or weed and it comes to my turn--- Hello, My name is Tracy, I'm addicted to jalapenos.
Aaaahhhhhh..........There's nothing like snorting jalapenos!
Well I also had a bunch of jalapenos that I was going to make jalapeno poppers a bit later so I decided to take one and chop it up and put in my stir fry. I love hot spicy foods, so I figured this would give it a kick.
After starting the stir fry I washed my hands and started my clean up and of course you know how you always get the pesky little nose it when you are in the middle of something......... well that's what I got.
Without thinking I just itched the tip of my nose, washed my hands again and continued my clean up. A few minutes later my nose got all tingly and started to burn. At this point it wasn't too bad.
I giggled a little because it did feel funny, almost numbing. I continued on with my stir fry, mixing it up to make sure it cooked fully through.
You know how your nose starts to run when you have something hot??
Yep you got it! My nose started to run a bit and I was right in the middle of making my stir fry I didn't want to have to stop to grab a tissue and then wash my hands again. so I just gave a quick sniff to tide me over a few minutes.
WOW! YIKES! YOWZERS!!!! Talk about clearing out my nasal passage!
OMG! It instantly went to my brain!
My eyes watered and I felt like I was breathing fire! As a matter of fact I WAS breathing FIRE!
Every time I breathed in it intensified. So here I am at the kitchen sink bent over trying to rinse out my nose! Well not really rinse out my nose but splashing cold water over it.
I can see it now......I'm sitting there at rehab, while others are telling how they do crack, coke, or weed and it comes to my turn--- Hello, My name is Tracy, I'm addicted to jalapenos.
Aaaahhhhhh..........There's nothing like snorting jalapenos!
Monday, February 05, 2007
Is It The Beginning of the End????
I actually had a very good weekend. I stayed home Friday night because it was snowing pretty hard and I didn’t want to chance getting in an accident or wrecking my car.
It was actually ice to spend some time home. I got a quick load of laundry done but mostly I just chilled and relaxed. I went to bed fairly early and got plenty of rest.
Saturday I headed up to Mike’s (he had a three day weekend).
We had decided to check out the Bargains Outlet store. He is tiling his floor and wanted to check out tiles. Then we walked down to the Label Shopper which is a clothing store. They had some real decent clothing there on sale, but we were just browsing.
We grabbed lunch at Mc Donald’s. Then headed over to Price Chopper to grab a few supplies for later that evening. It was starting to get cold out so once we got home we wanted to stay home.
While in Price Chopper he started talking about beer again and how he would like to get a dark beer like Beck’s. I was starting to get upset. Mike has a drinking problem and he has been doing very well with not drinking but over the past couple of weeks he has started to talk more about it again. He even had a weak moment when he did have a few beers.
So I was having a very unsettling feeling about this whole thing and where it was heading. I was hoping he wouldn't get anything to drink, especially since he just recently went through this bout of having a few not too long ago.
We stopped at Naiffs to looked through the magazines and then headed over to the beer isle. I’ve never seen a guy who can spend so much time in one spot as he does. When he found his Beck’s dark ale I made a comment of possible getting some wine or liquor to drink too. Mike was all for that.
We ended up stopping at a local liquor store and browsing around. I came home with a bottle of wine and some peach schnapps (I already had the OJ)
We actually had a very good night. We listened to 80’s music off the Internet radio and played some pool. Mike's job was to make sure my wine glass was replenished when it got low. After about 3 glasses of wine I was starting to feel a nice buzz. Wine seems to go to my head quick.
However, it make my game of pool a lot better. I was making these shots that I would have never thought I would or could have made sober. I beat mike a few time at Pool and I think it was bothering him inside (LOL) but we all had fun just laughing and hanging.
It was actually ice to spend some time home. I got a quick load of laundry done but mostly I just chilled and relaxed. I went to bed fairly early and got plenty of rest.
Saturday I headed up to Mike’s (he had a three day weekend).
We had decided to check out the Bargains Outlet store. He is tiling his floor and wanted to check out tiles. Then we walked down to the Label Shopper which is a clothing store. They had some real decent clothing there on sale, but we were just browsing.
We grabbed lunch at Mc Donald’s. Then headed over to Price Chopper to grab a few supplies for later that evening. It was starting to get cold out so once we got home we wanted to stay home.
While in Price Chopper he started talking about beer again and how he would like to get a dark beer like Beck’s. I was starting to get upset. Mike has a drinking problem and he has been doing very well with not drinking but over the past couple of weeks he has started to talk more about it again. He even had a weak moment when he did have a few beers.
So I was having a very unsettling feeling about this whole thing and where it was heading. I was hoping he wouldn't get anything to drink, especially since he just recently went through this bout of having a few not too long ago.
We stopped at Naiffs to looked through the magazines and then headed over to the beer isle. I’ve never seen a guy who can spend so much time in one spot as he does. When he found his Beck’s dark ale I made a comment of possible getting some wine or liquor to drink too. Mike was all for that.
We ended up stopping at a local liquor store and browsing around. I came home with a bottle of wine and some peach schnapps (I already had the OJ)
We actually had a very good night. We listened to 80’s music off the Internet radio and played some pool. Mike's job was to make sure my wine glass was replenished when it got low. After about 3 glasses of wine I was starting to feel a nice buzz. Wine seems to go to my head quick.
However, it make my game of pool a lot better. I was making these shots that I would have never thought I would or could have made sober. I beat mike a few time at Pool and I think it was bothering him inside (LOL) but we all had fun just laughing and hanging.
The song "Goody Two Shoes" by Adam Ant came on and Mike and I were dancing around the pool table all dorky like. I had my 35mm camera with me so there will probably be pictures posted later (Depending how they came out)
Mike seemed a bit more relaxed. His old self seemed to appear again when it was time to head upstairs. He’s not so self conscious. Which I don't know why. He is the same guy. So that topped the night off COMPLETELY!
But now I have reservations. Mike had just recently told me to always go with my gut feeling.
Well.......my gut feeling is telling me that this might just be the start of the end.
I'm so afraid that this is just going to be the excuse Mike will need to start drinking more often. He's real good at excuses and "reasons" to be doing or not doing something. Which for the most part I can always argue just the opposite as to why he should or shouldn't be doing something.
We have been doing very good together and I have been more happier that I have been in a while I just don't want that to end and change for the worst. But I know if he starts drinking more often that it will come to and end because I can't and wont deal with that in my life anymore.
This unsettling feeling hasn't left me since I found out about the first time he had a few beers and didn't tell me right away. It saddens me, it's like I am just waiting for that other shoe to drop.
I just don't want this to become a habit again. It would just crush me.
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