To Hell and Back

This past weekend wasn’t a very good one. It wasn’t easy.

All I did was cry, get upset, cry some more, argue, cry a bit more, get depressed and cry even more. I think you get the picture.

It started Friday night when I was to head up to Mike’s place. We had talked earlier and I thought we were on the same page but come to find out we weren’t even close.

Let me give you a quick background on the situation.

Short but sweet: Mike is an alcoholic. I know, I know, You are wondering what the hell are you doing with him?? Sometimes I ask myself the same question.

It started out with just hanging out. I thought he was a nice person. I knew he had issues then but I guess I never thought what we had would grow or turn in to something. I thought it was just going to be fast lived so what did I care what he did. If he wanted to be pickled so be it.

To my surprise it grew into something more. I liked the person I saw inside but I still didn’t like what he was doing and as time went on it bothered me more because I started caring more and more for him. You could say I was being selfish too. I wanted what we had to continue to grow and become better and I knew it wouldn’t last if he continued to drink.

Okay, back to Friday night. We had discussed this problem prior and I told him I just couldn’t handle watching him do this to himself anymore and I shouldn’t have to so I would be willing to compromise for now. When I am with him he is not to drink. I feel that was a fair deal. And if he felt he would rather drink then I would leave.

Well it wasn’t so simple. There was one excuse or another for him to have a beer. First it was the “I just opened it” (This was just prior to me arriving) then it was the “I will drink it real slow” And my favorite one – “I haven’t had that many tonight. (I’ve only had 3 or 4) I just woke up a little while ago”

All supposed “Good” reasons in his mind. Who was he trying to convince – Me or himself? I did end up giving in slightly as he agreed to just drink one and that would be it until he was done and went to get another. Arguing that he took it slow – “It took him a Whole Hour to drink that beer!”

This time I was in tears I was already hating myself and he was just making it worst. He did end up dumping the beer.

As we sat and watched a movie about an hour went by and I could tell he wasn’t doing so well. I’m really not that bad of a person. I am willing to give a bit and work with you, but you need to work with me too and not take advantage or what I offer. Unfortunately with Mike You give him an inch and he takes a mile. I gave him a little rope (some slack) and he just hung himself with it.

Since I could tell he wasn’t doing that well I told him he could have a beer if he took it slow and made it last through the rest of the movie. But just one beer! Well we all know how that turned out……..he argued for another.

This went on all night and then in the morning when we got up it started all over again. He wasn’t understanding me or getting how this is really affecting me. I know it isn’t easy but he can’t even go a half hour without popping open a beer.

Seriously, I was about to give up. I was fighting that feeling, that urge to just throw in the towel. I was tired, exhausted both mentally and physically. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to! I can’t make him stop. Especially if he doesn’t want to.

I was having a mental break down. Not a complete breakdown but pretty damn close. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn’t want to – not in front of Mike. But I couldn’t help it. At that exact point and time I didn’t want to be there or with him. I didn’t want to be breathing. I just wanted to die. I wanted him to take his sword and just sink it into my chest and through my heart. PLEASE make the pain stop! I could feel my heart shattering into a million different pieces and I couldn’t do a single thing about it. I wanted that feeling of my whole world crumbling down around me and having no control of it to end.

After going through hell for two days I think we had a small break through. Short lived as it might be I’m hoping for the best. I visited might at work Late Saturday night into Sunday morning. I didn’t have to go see him but I know it makes him feel better and he is always happy when he sees me. So I did it more for him than me. Pleasantly surprised, he gave me a kiss and hug and told me that he would not drink in front of me anymore and apologized.

After his shift we went back to his place played a game of scrabble and he didn’t drink. He popped a seltzer water. I still don’t think he realizes how extremely happy that made me.

Will he really change? How long with it last??? I can’t say. All I know is that I have that much faith in him to know if he really wants to he can and will do it. And for the sake of our relationship I hope he does.