About Me

I've been kind of down lately. Fighting this depression, this urge to just give up, to pull the covers up over my head and not get out of bed.

This feeling of dread, of not wanting to deal with the day, the people, the every day bullshit.

I'm not sure why I've been feeling like this........... No, that's a lie.

I do know or at least have some kind of inkling of why I feeling this way.

I've often wondered when someone say they don't know why they feel of think a certain way, why it is they don't know. It's not that they don't know, because they do know. They just don't want to say either because they want to deal with it on their own or they are trying to spare someone's feelings.

{Digressing again} Anyway back to me.

There isn't just one reason why I am feeling the way I am. There are multiple reasons. Some are simple some are a bit more complicated.

I tend to be a controller. I like having some kind of control over where my life is heading. And lately I don't feel like I do have any control over what is happening or where I am heading. I feel like I'm floundering and I HATE that feeling.

Then there is the season change. Silly as it sounds. I hate the winter. It's cold and you can't do much of anything. Always stuck in the house. I love the sunshine, warm weather, being outside.
So that gets me down.

My personal life is kind of a mess. One minute it's going well the next it seems like it is falling apart.

I was told once that I would never be happy. Never satisfied no matter what. That what I wanted doesn't exist. That I live in a dream for wanting what I want.

Maybe that is all true. But I can't helping feeling and wanting what I want. Is that so wrong of me?
Is it wrong of me to not to want to settle for anything less?

I did try to settle. I settled for something safer and predictable and it ended up in a disaster.

Yes, I admit. I need to seek professional help. I have many issues.

It is very important for me to feel needed and wanted and special. So that is the one thing I seek in a relationship.

I also like to be kept on my toes. I like adventure and spontaneity. I do tend to get bored easily.

{Take this test for spontaneity: http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/spontaneity.html}

I need to keep that spark in a relationship. I am always willing to work on it but I can't do it alone.

I guess I just have an idea of how a relationship should be and thats what I want. Realistic or not.

But as for other things that are getting me down there are plenty: money, work, holidays etc

But I'm running out of time now so I have to end this hear.

I sound to rational (LOL)