Chasing Cars
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone oh baby
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
But they're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
New Beginnings
I have a new boyfriend!
Well.....let me back up and explain.
Lately Mike and I have been having a bit of a stressful time in our relationship. Mostly it was about his drinking. I know he said he'd stop but he had no intention of stopping. He knew this as well as I did. I was just trying to make excuses. Trying to hold on a bit longer than I should have.
It all went down last week. I won't get into all the detail but cut straight to the point. Mike ended up in the hospital. He went through detox. You might say he scared himself sober.
I was the first person he called and I had a whole bag full of emotions going through me. I was upset, scared, mad, confused, happy etc.
My first instinct was to head to the hospital to see him but it was 3 am. Since I wasn't related I didn't know if t hey would have let me see him. Plus he was sleeping it off. So the next day when they admitted him and between his mom and grandmother keeping me informed of what was going on, I went to see him after work.
Again I was filled with emotions. I was relieved he was ok, confused about how this all came about, upset to see him that way, happy he was getting the help he needed, angry he was putting me through this, and scared of where this might leave us.
But I could tell that he was serious this time. That HE wanted to stop drinking for himself.
They let him go on Friday with some medication that will help him not want to drink. He is doing very well. We spent the whole weekend together.
We started to clean up his place, which is another good thing. It's like dating someone new. He still has part of his old self there but there is this other side of him that I'm seeing and getting to know and I'm really liking him.
It's kind of scary. I've been holding back and building a wall for so long to protect myself because of how he was. Now I'm getting to know this wonderful person and possibly be able to let those walls down. I'm glad I stuck it out. But it scares me. It leaves me wide open for a broken heart.
One day at a time. It's all I can do.
Well.....let me back up and explain.
Lately Mike and I have been having a bit of a stressful time in our relationship. Mostly it was about his drinking. I know he said he'd stop but he had no intention of stopping. He knew this as well as I did. I was just trying to make excuses. Trying to hold on a bit longer than I should have.
It all went down last week. I won't get into all the detail but cut straight to the point. Mike ended up in the hospital. He went through detox. You might say he scared himself sober.
I was the first person he called and I had a whole bag full of emotions going through me. I was upset, scared, mad, confused, happy etc.
My first instinct was to head to the hospital to see him but it was 3 am. Since I wasn't related I didn't know if t hey would have let me see him. Plus he was sleeping it off. So the next day when they admitted him and between his mom and grandmother keeping me informed of what was going on, I went to see him after work.
Again I was filled with emotions. I was relieved he was ok, confused about how this all came about, upset to see him that way, happy he was getting the help he needed, angry he was putting me through this, and scared of where this might leave us.
But I could tell that he was serious this time. That HE wanted to stop drinking for himself.
They let him go on Friday with some medication that will help him not want to drink. He is doing very well. We spent the whole weekend together.
We started to clean up his place, which is another good thing. It's like dating someone new. He still has part of his old self there but there is this other side of him that I'm seeing and getting to know and I'm really liking him.
It's kind of scary. I've been holding back and building a wall for so long to protect myself because of how he was. Now I'm getting to know this wonderful person and possibly be able to let those walls down. I'm glad I stuck it out. But it scares me. It leaves me wide open for a broken heart.
One day at a time. It's all I can do.
Dream of Me
Dream of Me
Let me sleep
For when I sleep
I dream that you are here
You’re mine
And all my fears are left behind
I float on air
The nightingale sings gentle lullabys
So let me close my eyes
And sleep
Per chance to dream
So I can see the face I long to touch
To kiss
But only dreams can bring me this
So let the moon
Shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
He’ll dream of me
I’ll hide beneath the clouds
And whisper to the evening stars
They tell me love is just a dream away
Dream away
I’ll dream away
So let the moon
Shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
He’ll dream of me
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
To Hell and Back
This past weekend wasn’t a very good one. It wasn’t easy.
All I did was cry, get upset, cry some more, argue, cry a bit more, get depressed and cry even more. I think you get the picture.
It started Friday night when I was to head up to Mike’s place. We had talked earlier and I thought we were on the same page but come to find out we weren’t even close.
Let me give you a quick background on the situation.
Short but sweet: Mike is an alcoholic. I know, I know, You are wondering what the hell are you doing with him?? Sometimes I ask myself the same question.
It started out with just hanging out. I thought he was a nice person. I knew he had issues then but I guess I never thought what we had would grow or turn in to something. I thought it was just going to be fast lived so what did I care what he did. If he wanted to be pickled so be it.
To my surprise it grew into something more. I liked the person I saw inside but I still didn’t like what he was doing and as time went on it bothered me more because I started caring more and more for him. You could say I was being selfish too. I wanted what we had to continue to grow and become better and I knew it wouldn’t last if he continued to drink.
Okay, back to Friday night. We had discussed this problem prior and I told him I just couldn’t handle watching him do this to himself anymore and I shouldn’t have to so I would be willing to compromise for now. When I am with him he is not to drink. I feel that was a fair deal. And if he felt he would rather drink then I would leave.
Well it wasn’t so simple. There was one excuse or another for him to have a beer. First it was the “I just opened it” (This was just prior to me arriving) then it was the “I will drink it real slow” And my favorite one – “I haven’t had that many tonight. (I’ve only had 3 or 4) I just woke up a little while ago”
All supposed “Good” reasons in his mind. Who was he trying to convince – Me or himself? I did end up giving in slightly as he agreed to just drink one and that would be it until he was done and went to get another. Arguing that he took it slow – “It took him a Whole Hour to drink that beer!”
This time I was in tears I was already hating myself and he was just making it worst. He did end up dumping the beer.
As we sat and watched a movie about an hour went by and I could tell he wasn’t doing so well. I’m really not that bad of a person. I am willing to give a bit and work with you, but you need to work with me too and not take advantage or what I offer. Unfortunately with Mike You give him an inch and he takes a mile. I gave him a little rope (some slack) and he just hung himself with it.
Since I could tell he wasn’t doing that well I told him he could have a beer if he took it slow and made it last through the rest of the movie. But just one beer! Well we all know how that turned out……..he argued for another.
This went on all night and then in the morning when we got up it started all over again. He wasn’t understanding me or getting how this is really affecting me. I know it isn’t easy but he can’t even go a half hour without popping open a beer.
Seriously, I was about to give up. I was fighting that feeling, that urge to just throw in the towel. I was tired, exhausted both mentally and physically. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to! I can’t make him stop. Especially if he doesn’t want to.
I was having a mental break down. Not a complete breakdown but pretty damn close. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn’t want to – not in front of Mike. But I couldn’t help it. At that exact point and time I didn’t want to be there or with him. I didn’t want to be breathing. I just wanted to die. I wanted him to take his sword and just sink it into my chest and through my heart. PLEASE make the pain stop! I could feel my heart shattering into a million different pieces and I couldn’t do a single thing about it. I wanted that feeling of my whole world crumbling down around me and having no control of it to end.
After going through hell for two days I think we had a small break through. Short lived as it might be I’m hoping for the best. I visited might at work Late Saturday night into Sunday morning. I didn’t have to go see him but I know it makes him feel better and he is always happy when he sees me. So I did it more for him than me. Pleasantly surprised, he gave me a kiss and hug and told me that he would not drink in front of me anymore and apologized.
After his shift we went back to his place played a game of scrabble and he didn’t drink. He popped a seltzer water. I still don’t think he realizes how extremely happy that made me.
Will he really change? How long with it last??? I can’t say. All I know is that I have that much faith in him to know if he really wants to he can and will do it. And for the sake of our relationship I hope he does.
All I did was cry, get upset, cry some more, argue, cry a bit more, get depressed and cry even more. I think you get the picture.
It started Friday night when I was to head up to Mike’s place. We had talked earlier and I thought we were on the same page but come to find out we weren’t even close.
Let me give you a quick background on the situation.
Short but sweet: Mike is an alcoholic. I know, I know, You are wondering what the hell are you doing with him?? Sometimes I ask myself the same question.
It started out with just hanging out. I thought he was a nice person. I knew he had issues then but I guess I never thought what we had would grow or turn in to something. I thought it was just going to be fast lived so what did I care what he did. If he wanted to be pickled so be it.
To my surprise it grew into something more. I liked the person I saw inside but I still didn’t like what he was doing and as time went on it bothered me more because I started caring more and more for him. You could say I was being selfish too. I wanted what we had to continue to grow and become better and I knew it wouldn’t last if he continued to drink.
Okay, back to Friday night. We had discussed this problem prior and I told him I just couldn’t handle watching him do this to himself anymore and I shouldn’t have to so I would be willing to compromise for now. When I am with him he is not to drink. I feel that was a fair deal. And if he felt he would rather drink then I would leave.
Well it wasn’t so simple. There was one excuse or another for him to have a beer. First it was the “I just opened it” (This was just prior to me arriving) then it was the “I will drink it real slow” And my favorite one – “I haven’t had that many tonight. (I’ve only had 3 or 4) I just woke up a little while ago”
All supposed “Good” reasons in his mind. Who was he trying to convince – Me or himself? I did end up giving in slightly as he agreed to just drink one and that would be it until he was done and went to get another. Arguing that he took it slow – “It took him a Whole Hour to drink that beer!”
This time I was in tears I was already hating myself and he was just making it worst. He did end up dumping the beer.
As we sat and watched a movie about an hour went by and I could tell he wasn’t doing so well. I’m really not that bad of a person. I am willing to give a bit and work with you, but you need to work with me too and not take advantage or what I offer. Unfortunately with Mike You give him an inch and he takes a mile. I gave him a little rope (some slack) and he just hung himself with it.
Since I could tell he wasn’t doing that well I told him he could have a beer if he took it slow and made it last through the rest of the movie. But just one beer! Well we all know how that turned out……..he argued for another.
This went on all night and then in the morning when we got up it started all over again. He wasn’t understanding me or getting how this is really affecting me. I know it isn’t easy but he can’t even go a half hour without popping open a beer.
Seriously, I was about to give up. I was fighting that feeling, that urge to just throw in the towel. I was tired, exhausted both mentally and physically. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to! I can’t make him stop. Especially if he doesn’t want to.
I was having a mental break down. Not a complete breakdown but pretty damn close. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn’t want to – not in front of Mike. But I couldn’t help it. At that exact point and time I didn’t want to be there or with him. I didn’t want to be breathing. I just wanted to die. I wanted him to take his sword and just sink it into my chest and through my heart. PLEASE make the pain stop! I could feel my heart shattering into a million different pieces and I couldn’t do a single thing about it. I wanted that feeling of my whole world crumbling down around me and having no control of it to end.
After going through hell for two days I think we had a small break through. Short lived as it might be I’m hoping for the best. I visited might at work Late Saturday night into Sunday morning. I didn’t have to go see him but I know it makes him feel better and he is always happy when he sees me. So I did it more for him than me. Pleasantly surprised, he gave me a kiss and hug and told me that he would not drink in front of me anymore and apologized.
After his shift we went back to his place played a game of scrabble and he didn’t drink. He popped a seltzer water. I still don’t think he realizes how extremely happy that made me.
Will he really change? How long with it last??? I can’t say. All I know is that I have that much faith in him to know if he really wants to he can and will do it. And for the sake of our relationship I hope he does.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Cokey Gallieli
My definition of stress
STRESS - That confusion created when ones mind overrides the bodies basic desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot asshole who desperately requires it!
I work in a subscriptions office. Kind of easy and simple right??? Oh Hell NO!
You really need to be multi-talented. Because you are required to be doing at least 3 things at all times but they push you to be doing 10 things.
I get this call for this customer about 3 this afternoon. I can sense in his voice that this was going to be one of those calls. He was a ticking time bomb.
He started going off about something for like 10 minutes before getting to the point that the paper he was receiving was coming under a wrong name.
Calmly I asked him what paper he is receiving and managed to guide him into telling me the label number on the label so I could see what the hell he was talking about.
Now mind you he was still going off on me. He mentioned how he is from New Jersey and someone was playing a joke on him. His accent was like the Brooklyn New York type accent. Oh, did I mention he was Italian. Yeah, exactly, can you picture it now!!
I bring his information up on my screen and read it to him. I admit the first name did sound oddly funny but I have heard of all sorts of strangely odd names through my work. So his label read as follows:
Cokey Gallieli
Snorting Snow Removal
Berkeley Heights NJ
(Not all info is given for obvious reasons )
He continued to mention about getting a lawyer and all this other bullshit like dude you think you are scaring me????? NOT
If anything you are pushing my buttons and now I'm about to blow!
But I manage to keep my composure. I apologized that his paper was sent out with that information and said I can change the information or cancel the subscription and continues to go off on me about not wanting the paper and how he can't believe how this company can allow something like this to be sent out Bla Bla Bla....
Look Ass....What Do You Want Me To Do About it??!!! It's Done - Over With.
Now Get over it!!!
Then he asked me for my name....I think not!
Since there was no reasoning with him - no calming him down.
I just wanted to go off on him. I wanted to say, "Hey look deal with it. Have something to feel guilty about??? I have enough problems of my own I don't want to hear your bullshit!"
But I didn't I just hung up on him.
STRESS - That confusion created when ones mind overrides the bodies basic desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot asshole who desperately requires it!
I work in a subscriptions office. Kind of easy and simple right??? Oh Hell NO!
You really need to be multi-talented. Because you are required to be doing at least 3 things at all times but they push you to be doing 10 things.
I get this call for this customer about 3 this afternoon. I can sense in his voice that this was going to be one of those calls. He was a ticking time bomb.
He started going off about something for like 10 minutes before getting to the point that the paper he was receiving was coming under a wrong name.
Calmly I asked him what paper he is receiving and managed to guide him into telling me the label number on the label so I could see what the hell he was talking about.
Now mind you he was still going off on me. He mentioned how he is from New Jersey and someone was playing a joke on him. His accent was like the Brooklyn New York type accent. Oh, did I mention he was Italian. Yeah, exactly, can you picture it now!!
I bring his information up on my screen and read it to him. I admit the first name did sound oddly funny but I have heard of all sorts of strangely odd names through my work. So his label read as follows:
Cokey Gallieli
Snorting Snow Removal
Berkeley Heights NJ
(Not all info is given for obvious reasons )
He continued to mention about getting a lawyer and all this other bullshit like dude you think you are scaring me????? NOT
If anything you are pushing my buttons and now I'm about to blow!
But I manage to keep my composure. I apologized that his paper was sent out with that information and said I can change the information or cancel the subscription and continues to go off on me about not wanting the paper and how he can't believe how this company can allow something like this to be sent out Bla Bla Bla....
Look Ass....What Do You Want Me To Do About it??!!! It's Done - Over With.
Now Get over it!!!
Then he asked me for my name....I think not!
Since there was no reasoning with him - no calming him down.
I just wanted to go off on him. I wanted to say, "Hey look deal with it. Have something to feel guilty about??? I have enough problems of my own I don't want to hear your bullshit!"
But I didn't I just hung up on him.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
About Me
I've been kind of down lately. Fighting this depression, this urge to just give up, to pull the covers up over my head and not get out of bed.
This feeling of dread, of not wanting to deal with the day, the people, the every day bullshit.
I'm not sure why I've been feeling like this........... No, that's a lie.
I do know or at least have some kind of inkling of why I feeling this way.
I've often wondered when someone say they don't know why they feel of think a certain way, why it is they don't know. It's not that they don't know, because they do know. They just don't want to say either because they want to deal with it on their own or they are trying to spare someone's feelings.
{Digressing again} Anyway back to me.
There isn't just one reason why I am feeling the way I am. There are multiple reasons. Some are simple some are a bit more complicated.
I tend to be a controller. I like having some kind of control over where my life is heading. And lately I don't feel like I do have any control over what is happening or where I am heading. I feel like I'm floundering and I HATE that feeling.
Then there is the season change. Silly as it sounds. I hate the winter. It's cold and you can't do much of anything. Always stuck in the house. I love the sunshine, warm weather, being outside.
So that gets me down.
My personal life is kind of a mess. One minute it's going well the next it seems like it is falling apart.
I was told once that I would never be happy. Never satisfied no matter what. That what I wanted doesn't exist. That I live in a dream for wanting what I want.
Maybe that is all true. But I can't helping feeling and wanting what I want. Is that so wrong of me?
Is it wrong of me to not to want to settle for anything less?
I did try to settle. I settled for something safer and predictable and it ended up in a disaster.
Yes, I admit. I need to seek professional help. I have many issues.
It is very important for me to feel needed and wanted and special. So that is the one thing I seek in a relationship.
I also like to be kept on my toes. I like adventure and spontaneity. I do tend to get bored easily.
{Take this test for spontaneity: http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/spontaneity.html}
I need to keep that spark in a relationship. I am always willing to work on it but I can't do it alone.
I guess I just have an idea of how a relationship should be and thats what I want. Realistic or not.
But as for other things that are getting me down there are plenty: money, work, holidays etc
But I'm running out of time now so I have to end this hear.
I sound to rational (LOL)
This feeling of dread, of not wanting to deal with the day, the people, the every day bullshit.
I'm not sure why I've been feeling like this........... No, that's a lie.
I do know or at least have some kind of inkling of why I feeling this way.
I've often wondered when someone say they don't know why they feel of think a certain way, why it is they don't know. It's not that they don't know, because they do know. They just don't want to say either because they want to deal with it on their own or they are trying to spare someone's feelings.
{Digressing again} Anyway back to me.
There isn't just one reason why I am feeling the way I am. There are multiple reasons. Some are simple some are a bit more complicated.
I tend to be a controller. I like having some kind of control over where my life is heading. And lately I don't feel like I do have any control over what is happening or where I am heading. I feel like I'm floundering and I HATE that feeling.
Then there is the season change. Silly as it sounds. I hate the winter. It's cold and you can't do much of anything. Always stuck in the house. I love the sunshine, warm weather, being outside.
So that gets me down.
My personal life is kind of a mess. One minute it's going well the next it seems like it is falling apart.
I was told once that I would never be happy. Never satisfied no matter what. That what I wanted doesn't exist. That I live in a dream for wanting what I want.
Maybe that is all true. But I can't helping feeling and wanting what I want. Is that so wrong of me?
Is it wrong of me to not to want to settle for anything less?
I did try to settle. I settled for something safer and predictable and it ended up in a disaster.
Yes, I admit. I need to seek professional help. I have many issues.
It is very important for me to feel needed and wanted and special. So that is the one thing I seek in a relationship.
I also like to be kept on my toes. I like adventure and spontaneity. I do tend to get bored easily.
{Take this test for spontaneity: http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/spontaneity.html}
I need to keep that spark in a relationship. I am always willing to work on it but I can't do it alone.
I guess I just have an idea of how a relationship should be and thats what I want. Realistic or not.
But as for other things that are getting me down there are plenty: money, work, holidays etc
But I'm running out of time now so I have to end this hear.
I sound to rational (LOL)
Some Hearts
The last few days I've been in a better mood than I have been in a while.
I haven't heard this song in months and I just happened to hear it playing and it brought back to many feelings and memories.
Some Hearts
- Carrie Underwood
I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
I wake up feeling like my life's worth living
Can't recall when I last felt that way
Guess it must be all this love you're giving
Never knew never knew it could be like this
But I guess
Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Now who'd have thought someone like you could love me
You're the last thing my heart expected
Who'd have thought I'd ever find somebody
Someone who someone who makes me feel like this
Well I guess
Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Even hearts like mine
Get lucky, lucky sometimes
Monday, November 06, 2006
The Weekend
Well it was a long weekend! Yet it feels so short!
The weather is getting crappy, there is no where to really go and nothing to really do. And without money it makes it even more difficult.
Mike nd I were suppose to go to the movies Friday night but I was extremely tired and Mike didn't have a lot of money so we decided to postone it fo another week.
I know full moon was this weekend so that is probably what was causing the riff between us (Amongst other things).
We really didn't fight so I can't call it that. So needless to say Friday night I was highly upset with him. But Saturday was much better. It started a bit rocky.
I tend to get bored easily and just sitting there constantly I go stir crazy. Especially this time of year when I know that soon I will be trapped inside all the time.
But we ended up playing a board game (Othello). It's Mike's favorite game and I really enjoy playing it too. Haven't played it in a while.
I gave Mike a run for his money. Which I think I took him by surprise, Since I won. Maybe he thinks I'm really dumb.
But I like to play games that makes you think and strategize.
Sunday We also played Uno, and other game of Othello (which he won), and I just asked him questions from 90 Trivial Pursuit.
That was the best part of the weekend was spending time with him. Talking and playing board games.
The weather is getting crappy, there is no where to really go and nothing to really do. And without money it makes it even more difficult.
Mike nd I were suppose to go to the movies Friday night but I was extremely tired and Mike didn't have a lot of money so we decided to postone it fo another week.
I know full moon was this weekend so that is probably what was causing the riff between us (Amongst other things).
We really didn't fight so I can't call it that. So needless to say Friday night I was highly upset with him. But Saturday was much better. It started a bit rocky.
I tend to get bored easily and just sitting there constantly I go stir crazy. Especially this time of year when I know that soon I will be trapped inside all the time.
But we ended up playing a board game (Othello). It's Mike's favorite game and I really enjoy playing it too. Haven't played it in a while.
I gave Mike a run for his money. Which I think I took him by surprise, Since I won. Maybe he thinks I'm really dumb.
But I like to play games that makes you think and strategize.
Sunday We also played Uno, and other game of Othello (which he won), and I just asked him questions from 90 Trivial Pursuit.
That was the best part of the weekend was spending time with him. Talking and playing board games.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Call Me When You're Sober
Today's Song Pick
Call Me When You're Sober
- Evanescence
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Couldn't take the blame
Sick with shame
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated
No wonder you're jaded
You can't play the victim this time
And you're too late
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
You never call me when you're sober
You only want it cause it's over
It's over
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me
Just get your things
I've made up your mind
Call Me When You're Sober
- Evanescence
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Couldn't take the blame
Sick with shame
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated
No wonder you're jaded
You can't play the victim this time
And you're too late
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
You never call me when you're sober
You only want it cause it's over
It's over
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me
Just get your things
I've made up your mind
First Snow Fall
Peeling myself out of my warm cozy bed this morning, wearily I stumbled my way to the bathroom.
Sleepy eyed I turned on the light and tried to encourage myself that today was going to be a good day so WAKE UP!
What encouragement! I turned the show on, testing to make sure the water wasn't cold or scalding. And as I was just about to step into the shower I glanced out the window and low and behold there it was.
The First Snow of the Season!
My first reaction was...."Holy Crap!" then a quick....."Uuuugggghhhhh, Yuck!"
I went about my business getting ready for work. Feeding the cats and dog and trying to prep myself for the day ahead.
I found myself unconsiously in a good mood as I was curling my hair, at the bathroom sink. Before I even knew it or could control it I was humming a familiar tune (which is way too early to be singing) but I was singing "Let it Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow" In a cheerful voice with a smile on my face.
OK let's not ruin my mood!
Sleepy eyed I turned on the light and tried to encourage myself that today was going to be a good day so WAKE UP!
What encouragement! I turned the show on, testing to make sure the water wasn't cold or scalding. And as I was just about to step into the shower I glanced out the window and low and behold there it was.
The First Snow of the Season!
My first reaction was...."Holy Crap!" then a quick....."Uuuugggghhhhh, Yuck!"
I went about my business getting ready for work. Feeding the cats and dog and trying to prep myself for the day ahead.
I found myself unconsiously in a good mood as I was curling my hair, at the bathroom sink. Before I even knew it or could control it I was humming a familiar tune (which is way too early to be singing) but I was singing "Let it Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow" In a cheerful voice with a smile on my face.
OK let's not ruin my mood!
To Trust or Not To Trust...That Is the Question
Trust is very hard to build and accomplish but so easy to tear apart.
Especially when you have been hurt and deceived before.
If you go through life never trusting anyone or at least giving that person a chance, you end up lonely, always keeping people at arms length.
If you go to the opposite extreme and you are overly trusting you could be hurt, used, made of fool of.
So, what do you do?
Take me for instance. I like to think I give people a fair chance. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. You are honest (to an extent), truthful, you are not playing me for a fool. But that doesn't mean I'm trusting 100%.
I'm giving you that chance .... I'm sitting back and watching, hoping you don't prove me wrong.
But when thing don't add up or I catch you in a lie, when you tell me one thing and keep changing your story you loose that trust and it is almost impossible to get back.
How do you know when someone is telling you the truth? When they are being honest?
How do you know if the person is flat out lying to you? Trying to play you for a fool?
All I know is that it isn't easy and it gets harder and harder every day. Especially with those you care a lot
Especially when you have been hurt and deceived before.
If you go through life never trusting anyone or at least giving that person a chance, you end up lonely, always keeping people at arms length.
If you go to the opposite extreme and you are overly trusting you could be hurt, used, made of fool of.
So, what do you do?
Take me for instance. I like to think I give people a fair chance. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. You are honest (to an extent), truthful, you are not playing me for a fool. But that doesn't mean I'm trusting 100%.
I'm giving you that chance .... I'm sitting back and watching, hoping you don't prove me wrong.
But when thing don't add up or I catch you in a lie, when you tell me one thing and keep changing your story you loose that trust and it is almost impossible to get back.
How do you know when someone is telling you the truth? When they are being honest?
How do you know if the person is flat out lying to you? Trying to play you for a fool?
All I know is that it isn't easy and it gets harder and harder every day. Especially with those you care a lot
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
What To Do??
I'm really debating on whether I should write this blog.
Because I know eventually he will read it and I don't want him taking things the wrong way. I don't want to hurt his feeling or for him to get really down on himself. But I guess I just have to get this out.
The other day I get a call around 3 am from Mike. He sounded all down and depressed again. So I talked to him. I was really missing him anyways and thought maybe I would go to see him earlier but he was very tired and slept most of the night.
But we got talking and I thought it was a good talk, somehow it evolved into wanting to see each other and he asked me to come up to see him with some sexual undertones in the conversation.
I had agreed. and quickly got my things together and headed to his house.
Only to be majorly surprised and highly disappointed.
I thought he was down and depressed and was missing me just because he missed me. Come to find out the reason why he was so down and depressed was because he was overly drunk. I mean to a point where he couldn't set still without swaying or stand without swaying.
He reeked of beer and just his facial expressions looked "Sloshed"
I wasn't mad I was upset.
I was upset because it was the beer that made him miss me. The "beer" that made him down and drepressed. I don't mean just one or two I mean a whole 12 pack.
Of course th at made me feel like shit. Like he doens't want me. I mean relaly want me unless he's been drinking.
I know he will say not that isn'y true. But it is how it makes me feel.
Maybe it is me. What is wrong with me that makes him want to drink so much? That he wouldn't rather be sober and enjoy what we have?
I can't help him and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I know he says he will change and wants to........ but he is dragging his feet. I'm afraind if he doesn't do this he won't be happy -- won't be happy with himself because he doesn't want to stop.
All I know is how it makes me feel. I wish I could just make him understand.
Because I know eventually he will read it and I don't want him taking things the wrong way. I don't want to hurt his feeling or for him to get really down on himself. But I guess I just have to get this out.
The other day I get a call around 3 am from Mike. He sounded all down and depressed again. So I talked to him. I was really missing him anyways and thought maybe I would go to see him earlier but he was very tired and slept most of the night.
But we got talking and I thought it was a good talk, somehow it evolved into wanting to see each other and he asked me to come up to see him with some sexual undertones in the conversation.
I had agreed. and quickly got my things together and headed to his house.
Only to be majorly surprised and highly disappointed.
I thought he was down and depressed and was missing me just because he missed me. Come to find out the reason why he was so down and depressed was because he was overly drunk. I mean to a point where he couldn't set still without swaying or stand without swaying.
He reeked of beer and just his facial expressions looked "Sloshed"
I wasn't mad I was upset.
I was upset because it was the beer that made him miss me. The "beer" that made him down and drepressed. I don't mean just one or two I mean a whole 12 pack.
Of course th at made me feel like shit. Like he doens't want me. I mean relaly want me unless he's been drinking.
I know he will say not that isn'y true. But it is how it makes me feel.
Maybe it is me. What is wrong with me that makes him want to drink so much? That he wouldn't rather be sober and enjoy what we have?
I can't help him and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I know he says he will change and wants to........ but he is dragging his feet. I'm afraind if he doesn't do this he won't be happy -- won't be happy with himself because he doesn't want to stop.
All I know is how it makes me feel. I wish I could just make him understand.
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