Double Life

I had a wonderful time with Mike Friday night and all we did was sit on the couch and watch movies.

Lately I just feel like I'm living a double life.

I go up to see him a few time a week. I was going up there just about every night but for one, gas prices kinda put a stop to that. Plus there are just times when I feel that I'm only going to be more unhappy if I go up.

Then I live my life here where I live - going out with my friends and doing things that I want and need to get done. I seem happy but I feel a bit lonely.

Maybe it's just me and I'm not meant to be happy.

I don't know how to fix this and make things better.
Maybe I should just live in the here and now and forget about all the other stuff but it is hard. It's hard for me not to think of how I would love things to be in the future.

I want to find that someone who will sweep me off my feet. I want that feeling of not being able to wait to see and talk to that special someone.

I want to find that person who wants to go and explore the world with me as well as stay home and cuddle on the couch.

I think deep down I do truly know what I want and I know I'm not going to settle but I keep denying it, at least for now.

Believe me, I've learned from all my past relationships. I know the signs now and what to look for.

His need to help others is so much more important than making what is supposedly so important to him work and make him happy. But is that fair??

Sure help someone else figure out how to make their life better, help them get over and move on to someone else who will make them happy, help them find their way. But what happens when everyone has their own life and is happy and he sits there alone with no one to share it with because he didnt want to take control of his own life. Because he doesn't think his own happiness is worth fighting for and having?? What happens when he is all alone and has no one to really share his days with?? What happens when he doesnt have that special someone to wake up with in the mornings? Nothing more to look forward to.

I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be happy but the more I try it seems like the more I feel like Im drowning in this sea of depression.