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So I find myself Heading to the ICU at Cooperstown Bassett Hospital yet again. the last time I went through this was last year with my dad.

Now it's my mom. It doesnt seem life threatening yet. It started Friday when my dad took her to the eye doctor. She hasn't been feeling well the past few weeks. Complaining of headaches and her eyes burining and blurry vision. They thought she needed glasses. When the doctor checked her eyes she does need glasses but he also noticed that the vessels in her eyes were bleeding a lot thus causing the burning sensation. He said it was probably caused by high blood pressure.

So he wanted her to go to the hospital and have them stop the bleeding in her eyes.

When my dad took her to the hospital Friday morning. They took her BP and said it was on the verge of a stroke. Her BP was like 240 over 120 or something like that.

They admitted her to the ICU in hopes of lowering her BP and stabilizing it. But as of yesterday when I went to visit, they couldn't keep it lowered. When they gave her meds it would come down but shortly after it would increase yet again. Making her dizzy and sick to her stomach and have headaches.

It was hard leaving because she started to cry. It was like she was tired and just wanted to give up.


See my mom has been through a lot in the last 10 years. Being sick, in and out of hospitals. So it takes a lot out of her.

And with everything going on at work and in my personal life it takes a toll on me. I put on a good front. Telling everyone that everything is ok. But Im so tired of pretending and trying to be strong. For once I want to be taken care of. I want to be able to lean on someone else instead of helping everyone else up and also standing on my own.

It's just getting to be too much.

COLLIDE

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Lost

Lately I have this "lost" feeling. Like I'm not sure of what I'm doing or how I feel about anything anymore.

I feel like I'm losing myself.

Could be the winter blues. But what if it isn't?

I dont feel like Im a happy person anymore. Like Im heading down that road of self destruction again.

Not sure what to do about it. I don't want to make a big deal about things. But how am I to get back on track?

I feel like i need to disappear - Get away - some how regroup.

I wish I could say what could or would make me happy.

I know the stressed of everyday trying to make ends meet. Worrying about what bill I can afford to pay and if things will ever get better doesn't help.

I have started to work out again, so Im hoping that will help.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Better Day

It is still early yet in the day, but so far today is a very good day.

I'm feeling human again. Not so down or depressed.
I woke up a little early, my hair went well, I even dressed up slightly.

I even had someone mention I looked like I was "glowing". I'm not so sure about the Glowing part but I do feel in a better mind frame.

I have been getting lots of rest lately, even though I've been bored with nothing to do. It has been a nice change for a while to just do nothing and not have alot of chaos in my life.

Still looking for topics to write about.........American Idol has started again!!!! So once that is on it's way with the 12 finalists I'm sure I will have something to jibber jabber about.

I have also decided I need to start working out again. I was happier when I was working out.

I so want to go away ona mini vacation even if it is only for a weekend. or Just an overnight. I'd been a while since I went away. Almost a year this coming July. I'm in need. So anyone out there want to travel????

Topics

Well I haven't had much goign on in my world lately. Same shit different day.

It's been cold and the weather crappy so it's not like I can do much. I'm hoping that once it turns nice things will change.

But If anyone has a topic I could write about please let me know. Send me a comment or an e-mail.

Break Down

Holidays are over with. Things are starting to settle down and get back into a routine. I find myself even more down and out that I was during the Holidays.

I do know I have been extremely stressed and the thought of being able to get away and relax and be pampered keeps crossing my mind. If only I had somewhere to go or money to do it.

I've been so concerened about everyone and everything else around me that I'm getting burned out. That has to be the reason of why I am feeling the way I am. I feel like I'm drowning. I try to be happy but inside I'm just dying. I feel like I want to cry all the time and when I'm alone I usually do.

It could also be that it is winter and I can't be outside as much as I would like. I'm feeling trapped and confined.

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I need someone to take care of me. Take over and control of the wheel for a while. Sounds crazy, I know. But I need a break!!!

I was just told today that it looked like I was going to have a nervous break down.

Wish I had something better to write about. More exciting, more fun. But right now I don't.

Happy New Years!

A Brand New Year 2006!!!!!

Seems like every year goes by faster and faster. The more you have planned and the more you have to look forward to the faster the time flys!

I have to admit that 2005 was quiet a year. Alot of changes happened, some good - some bad. They all happened rather quickly.

But everything happens for a reason and no matter what it always makes you stronger.

I've noticed over the years that no matter how bad things seem to get, seem to be, or seem to look, you always manage to get through them. Don't know how that happens. It always seems like it's the end of the world, but eventually you muddle through and find yourself back on top again.

Now we get to start all over again with a new year!
What does this year have in store for us? What do the star hold?

Is it our destiny or just our fate that leads us on our path?

Every New Years Eve everyone gathers around and makes their New Years Resolution.
By now everyone must know that hardly anyone keeps them.

Why do we do this? Maybe to have that hope of good things to come and happen for us in the New Year.

So What is your New Years Resolution?