3 Days left until Christmas!!!
I just wanted to give a shout out to a couple of friends that I don't have a chance to talk to all the time or that I haven't talked to in a long time: Kim and Chris.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy and Safe New Years.
I miss you guys terribly!!!
To all my friends near and dear. I wish you the same. I am so blessed to have you all in my life. You have touched me in so many ways.
I will be spending Christmas eve with Mike and his family. I spoiled him. I think I got way too much but he deserves it. He has stopped drinking and is doing very well.
I'm also on vacation from now until Jan 3rd!!! A well deserved vacation!
Nothing is planned just R & R.
So in case I don't get back here to write and I don't get to talk to you. Merry Christmas and Happy New Years Once Again.
See and talk to you Next Year.
Love Tracy
Friday, December 22, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Christmas Shopping
This past weekend Mike and I went Christmas shopping and had a blast.
We spend like 2 hours at AC Moore Craft store.
He is worst than a woman when it comes to making up his mind what he wants to do and get.
There was this clip from utube that Mike sent me a few weeks ago with a rabbit that talked all he said was "ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya". He was traded for a bag of skittles. After a while the guy who wanted the rabbit wanted to return him because all he did was say "ya ya ya ya ya ya" It was extremely funny. When we headed to the mall every now and again we would act silly and start making noises. So we walked through the mall and occasionally started singing "Ya ya ya -- ya ya -- ya ya ya ya"
I spent a little more money than I had planned to. But I got all my shopping finished.
I got Mike a few more gifts. He would see something he liked and I would say ok lets get it. He would sort of protest but how can you protest when you really want something.
Plus I feel he does deserve to get a little spoiled. He has been doing very well with the not drinking. And Saturday was the best time we had spent together in a while. We were laughing and having fun. There was no stress or oddness between us.
There was even this one time.......We were at Wal-mart in New Hartford. We were looking for wrapping paper, tape and some odds and ends. We went back by the craft section and he saw these little figurines that you paint. They showed a picture of birds, turtles, horses, cats, dogs, frogs etc.
Mike said he wanted to get me one to paint for Christmas. I told him he didn't have to because he didn't have much money. He kept on insisting and finally turned around and with a very stern voice said to me, "You spent $30 on a jacket for me I think I can buy a turtle for 44 cents for you!"
I burst out laughing. I couldn't help myself. He was SO SERIOUS.
Then he mentioned how it wasn't a fair trade and he felt bad because he wanted to be able to give me more.
It was sweet and it still makes me laugh when I think of it. I can still see his face and hear his voice in how he said it. Stern, but upset and he said it very quickly.
LOL
What I really want is just he love and attention. For him to pamper me and make me feel special, wanted, needed.
That would be the best gift ever.
We never got home until midnight!
We spend like 2 hours at AC Moore Craft store.
He is worst than a woman when it comes to making up his mind what he wants to do and get.
There was this clip from utube that Mike sent me a few weeks ago with a rabbit that talked all he said was "ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya". He was traded for a bag of skittles. After a while the guy who wanted the rabbit wanted to return him because all he did was say "ya ya ya ya ya ya" It was extremely funny. When we headed to the mall every now and again we would act silly and start making noises. So we walked through the mall and occasionally started singing "Ya ya ya -- ya ya -- ya ya ya ya"
I spent a little more money than I had planned to. But I got all my shopping finished.
I got Mike a few more gifts. He would see something he liked and I would say ok lets get it. He would sort of protest but how can you protest when you really want something.
Plus I feel he does deserve to get a little spoiled. He has been doing very well with the not drinking. And Saturday was the best time we had spent together in a while. We were laughing and having fun. There was no stress or oddness between us.
There was even this one time.......We were at Wal-mart in New Hartford. We were looking for wrapping paper, tape and some odds and ends. We went back by the craft section and he saw these little figurines that you paint. They showed a picture of birds, turtles, horses, cats, dogs, frogs etc.
Mike said he wanted to get me one to paint for Christmas. I told him he didn't have to because he didn't have much money. He kept on insisting and finally turned around and with a very stern voice said to me, "You spent $30 on a jacket for me I think I can buy a turtle for 44 cents for you!"
I burst out laughing. I couldn't help myself. He was SO SERIOUS.
Then he mentioned how it wasn't a fair trade and he felt bad because he wanted to be able to give me more.
It was sweet and it still makes me laugh when I think of it. I can still see his face and hear his voice in how he said it. Stern, but upset and he said it very quickly.
LOL
What I really want is just he love and attention. For him to pamper me and make me feel special, wanted, needed.
That would be the best gift ever.
We never got home until midnight!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
You Had Me From Hello
One word, that's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head.
Your smile, just captured me
And you were in my future as far as I could see
And I don't know how it happened, but it happened still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will
Well you, had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start
You completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"
Inside, I built the walls
So high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn't gonna love again
The last time was the last time, I let someone in
But you, had me from "Hello"
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head.
Your smile, just captured me
And you were in my future as far as I could see
And I don't know how it happened, but it happened still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will
Well you, had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start
You completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"
Inside, I built the walls
So high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn't gonna love again
The last time was the last time, I let someone in
But you, had me from "Hello"
10 Days till Christmas
Ok, I'm "Freaking" just a little bit!
I've been busy lately so I haven't put much thought to it but of all places that I have time to think, I'm at work (Go Figure)
Where did this year go??
Everything has happened so fast, sometimes it seems like a dream.
Last year (2005) My husband and I separated. My eyes were opened as to how I should be treated and loved and I fell head over heals in love with this wonderful man. Things between us came so naturally. We didn't have to work on it or try hard -- it just was. But because of distance and circumstances things for us took a devastating turn. I finally realized that we would never be because of all the obstacles.
Then I started seeing someone else. It was a nice distraction. It was only suppose to be as friends but somehow we seemed to have gotten pushed together (That wasn't meant to be) We lasted about 6 months around my birthday and valentines day it started to go south and by March 2006 we had split.
Mike was waiting in the wings. I have to admit, at first, I didn't think much would come of it. A slight distraction, some fun and that was about it. We had a rough start. At first we were keeping things hush hush. After the first few days of kinda seeing each other he told me he couldn't be with me because I was technically still married but later found out I was married by a JP so in the eyes of the catholic religion it was like I wasn't married so he could see me.
He made me laugh and he was always complimenting me and making me feel loved. The sex was awesome once he stopped being so damn nervous! After only a week of being together he told me he loved me which made me "freak" inside. I didn't know if I was ready for anything serious. Plus he drank way too much and I knew I didn't want to get involved with that. {Skip ahead nine months} Mike has stopped drinking and we are still together. We have our ups and downs. Things don't always come so easily between us. But we have communication between us (Which is a plus). We both are dealing with a lot and sometimes I do feel we are thinking way too much about things instead of just letting things come naturally between us.
I admit, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to let all my defenses down, to leave my heart unprotected again. What if I open my heart completely and just hand it completely over to Mike and for some reason it just doesn't work out. I don't know if I couldn't handle that kind of hurt again.
Don't get me wrong I have given Mike a lot of my heart. I treat him very well. And mostly I get it back in return. But after all, he is a guy and guys just think, feel and act differently than woman do. But I Love him.
This year I will be spending Christmas eve with his family. Although I met his mom and grandmother and they like me I do feel a little nervous around them.
I'm afraid I will do or possibly say something stupid and they wont like me as much any more. I haven't met or even talked to his brother yet so I don't even know what he might think of me.
So with 10 more days until Christmas, I still need to shop for a few more gifts, Hoping I have enough money to get what I need to get, the stress of work and being with Mike and his family on Christmas eve, I am in a wonderful mood the past couple of days.
One more week and I'm on Vacation!!!! Well Deserved Over Due Vacation!
I've been busy lately so I haven't put much thought to it but of all places that I have time to think, I'm at work (Go Figure)
Where did this year go??
Everything has happened so fast, sometimes it seems like a dream.
Last year (2005) My husband and I separated. My eyes were opened as to how I should be treated and loved and I fell head over heals in love with this wonderful man. Things between us came so naturally. We didn't have to work on it or try hard -- it just was. But because of distance and circumstances things for us took a devastating turn. I finally realized that we would never be because of all the obstacles.
Then I started seeing someone else. It was a nice distraction. It was only suppose to be as friends but somehow we seemed to have gotten pushed together (That wasn't meant to be) We lasted about 6 months around my birthday and valentines day it started to go south and by March 2006 we had split.
Mike was waiting in the wings. I have to admit, at first, I didn't think much would come of it. A slight distraction, some fun and that was about it. We had a rough start. At first we were keeping things hush hush. After the first few days of kinda seeing each other he told me he couldn't be with me because I was technically still married but later found out I was married by a JP so in the eyes of the catholic religion it was like I wasn't married so he could see me.
He made me laugh and he was always complimenting me and making me feel loved. The sex was awesome once he stopped being so damn nervous! After only a week of being together he told me he loved me which made me "freak" inside. I didn't know if I was ready for anything serious. Plus he drank way too much and I knew I didn't want to get involved with that. {Skip ahead nine months} Mike has stopped drinking and we are still together. We have our ups and downs. Things don't always come so easily between us. But we have communication between us (Which is a plus). We both are dealing with a lot and sometimes I do feel we are thinking way too much about things instead of just letting things come naturally between us.
I admit, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to let all my defenses down, to leave my heart unprotected again. What if I open my heart completely and just hand it completely over to Mike and for some reason it just doesn't work out. I don't know if I couldn't handle that kind of hurt again.
Don't get me wrong I have given Mike a lot of my heart. I treat him very well. And mostly I get it back in return. But after all, he is a guy and guys just think, feel and act differently than woman do. But I Love him.
This year I will be spending Christmas eve with his family. Although I met his mom and grandmother and they like me I do feel a little nervous around them.
I'm afraid I will do or possibly say something stupid and they wont like me as much any more. I haven't met or even talked to his brother yet so I don't even know what he might think of me.
So with 10 more days until Christmas, I still need to shop for a few more gifts, Hoping I have enough money to get what I need to get, the stress of work and being with Mike and his family on Christmas eve, I am in a wonderful mood the past couple of days.
One more week and I'm on Vacation!!!! Well Deserved Over Due Vacation!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Tis The Season
Christmas......... It is my most favorit holiday season!
Not because of what I may receive (God know I almost always get short handed on that end), But I love to see the expression, the joy, the smile, the complete surprised look on the face of the person I have given a gift to.
For me, that is one of the best feelings. I get so excited just waiting for christmas to get here, knowing how much I will enjoy that facial expression.
Then you have the lights. All the pretty houses and stores that decorate with the multiple strands of lights: some white, some colored, some blink, some steady. The Santa Clauses, snowmen, reindeer and now they even have all those blow up balloon figures. Always makes me smile and say my "Oooo's and Aaahhhs, Look at the pretty lights!"
The Christmas music and movies that we have all heard and watched a thousand times.
And yes, even the slight dusting of snow covering the ground and trees puts me even more in the Christmas Mood.
So with that said I will simply say
"Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!"
Not because of what I may receive (God know I almost always get short handed on that end), But I love to see the expression, the joy, the smile, the complete surprised look on the face of the person I have given a gift to.
For me, that is one of the best feelings. I get so excited just waiting for christmas to get here, knowing how much I will enjoy that facial expression.
Then you have the lights. All the pretty houses and stores that decorate with the multiple strands of lights: some white, some colored, some blink, some steady. The Santa Clauses, snowmen, reindeer and now they even have all those blow up balloon figures. Always makes me smile and say my "Oooo's and Aaahhhs, Look at the pretty lights!"
The Christmas music and movies that we have all heard and watched a thousand times.
And yes, even the slight dusting of snow covering the ground and trees puts me even more in the Christmas Mood.
So with that said I will simply say
"Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!"
Sunday, December 03, 2006
WASTED
WASTED
- Carried Underwood
Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It felt like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it
For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it
I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Another glass of whisky and it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Face it.
Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
But still every morning' the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted
She kept drivin' along
Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while
- Carried Underwood
Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It felt like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it
For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it
I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Another glass of whisky and it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Face it.
Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
But still every morning' the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted
She kept drivin' along
Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while
Me
I've been feeling like I just don't know where I fit in anymore or where I rank.
Things change --- Life changes. Even when they are for the better it can be scary.
Temptation is always out there and don't you know when you feeling insecure and unsure of yourself it is right there staring you in the face!
That is when you have to be the strongest but at the same time that is when you are the most confused.
I always try to do the right thing. Think of others first. Make it easier for them.
Do you know how hard and tiring that can be? It drains me and somes just feels like it sucks the life right out of me. Kind of like an empath.
So what do you do in the mean time?
You really are screwed. Pretend nothing is wrong and let it eat you up inside. Build a wall to protect yourself -- but do you know how hard and how long it takes to tear them down? Go with the flow and have your many ups and downs but this also can lead to insecurities, resentments, changed feelings.
See ..... like I said you are screwed.
I have found an escape. I've been doing alot of reading lately. It's my way of escaping to another world where I don't have to be me and I don't have to feel what I feel or think about anything but where the book is taking me.
Things change --- Life changes. Even when they are for the better it can be scary.
Temptation is always out there and don't you know when you feeling insecure and unsure of yourself it is right there staring you in the face!
That is when you have to be the strongest but at the same time that is when you are the most confused.
I always try to do the right thing. Think of others first. Make it easier for them.
Do you know how hard and tiring that can be? It drains me and somes just feels like it sucks the life right out of me. Kind of like an empath.
So what do you do in the mean time?
You really are screwed. Pretend nothing is wrong and let it eat you up inside. Build a wall to protect yourself -- but do you know how hard and how long it takes to tear them down? Go with the flow and have your many ups and downs but this also can lead to insecurities, resentments, changed feelings.
See ..... like I said you are screwed.
I have found an escape. I've been doing alot of reading lately. It's my way of escaping to another world where I don't have to be me and I don't have to feel what I feel or think about anything but where the book is taking me.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
To Mike
Chasing Cars
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone oh baby
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
But they're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone oh baby
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
But they're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
New Beginnings
I have a new boyfriend!
Well.....let me back up and explain.
Lately Mike and I have been having a bit of a stressful time in our relationship. Mostly it was about his drinking. I know he said he'd stop but he had no intention of stopping. He knew this as well as I did. I was just trying to make excuses. Trying to hold on a bit longer than I should have.
It all went down last week. I won't get into all the detail but cut straight to the point. Mike ended up in the hospital. He went through detox. You might say he scared himself sober.
I was the first person he called and I had a whole bag full of emotions going through me. I was upset, scared, mad, confused, happy etc.
My first instinct was to head to the hospital to see him but it was 3 am. Since I wasn't related I didn't know if t hey would have let me see him. Plus he was sleeping it off. So the next day when they admitted him and between his mom and grandmother keeping me informed of what was going on, I went to see him after work.
Again I was filled with emotions. I was relieved he was ok, confused about how this all came about, upset to see him that way, happy he was getting the help he needed, angry he was putting me through this, and scared of where this might leave us.
But I could tell that he was serious this time. That HE wanted to stop drinking for himself.
They let him go on Friday with some medication that will help him not want to drink. He is doing very well. We spent the whole weekend together.
We started to clean up his place, which is another good thing. It's like dating someone new. He still has part of his old self there but there is this other side of him that I'm seeing and getting to know and I'm really liking him.
It's kind of scary. I've been holding back and building a wall for so long to protect myself because of how he was. Now I'm getting to know this wonderful person and possibly be able to let those walls down. I'm glad I stuck it out. But it scares me. It leaves me wide open for a broken heart.
One day at a time. It's all I can do.
Well.....let me back up and explain.
Lately Mike and I have been having a bit of a stressful time in our relationship. Mostly it was about his drinking. I know he said he'd stop but he had no intention of stopping. He knew this as well as I did. I was just trying to make excuses. Trying to hold on a bit longer than I should have.
It all went down last week. I won't get into all the detail but cut straight to the point. Mike ended up in the hospital. He went through detox. You might say he scared himself sober.
I was the first person he called and I had a whole bag full of emotions going through me. I was upset, scared, mad, confused, happy etc.
My first instinct was to head to the hospital to see him but it was 3 am. Since I wasn't related I didn't know if t hey would have let me see him. Plus he was sleeping it off. So the next day when they admitted him and between his mom and grandmother keeping me informed of what was going on, I went to see him after work.
Again I was filled with emotions. I was relieved he was ok, confused about how this all came about, upset to see him that way, happy he was getting the help he needed, angry he was putting me through this, and scared of where this might leave us.
But I could tell that he was serious this time. That HE wanted to stop drinking for himself.
They let him go on Friday with some medication that will help him not want to drink. He is doing very well. We spent the whole weekend together.
We started to clean up his place, which is another good thing. It's like dating someone new. He still has part of his old self there but there is this other side of him that I'm seeing and getting to know and I'm really liking him.
It's kind of scary. I've been holding back and building a wall for so long to protect myself because of how he was. Now I'm getting to know this wonderful person and possibly be able to let those walls down. I'm glad I stuck it out. But it scares me. It leaves me wide open for a broken heart.
One day at a time. It's all I can do.
Dream of Me
Dream of Me
Let me sleep
For when I sleep
I dream that you are here
You’re mine
And all my fears are left behind
I float on air
The nightingale sings gentle lullabys
So let me close my eyes
And sleep
Per chance to dream
So I can see the face I long to touch
To kiss
But only dreams can bring me this
So let the moon
Shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
He’ll dream of me
I’ll hide beneath the clouds
And whisper to the evening stars
They tell me love is just a dream away
Dream away
I’ll dream away
So let the moon
Shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
He’ll dream of me
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
To Hell and Back
This past weekend wasn’t a very good one. It wasn’t easy.
All I did was cry, get upset, cry some more, argue, cry a bit more, get depressed and cry even more. I think you get the picture.
It started Friday night when I was to head up to Mike’s place. We had talked earlier and I thought we were on the same page but come to find out we weren’t even close.
Let me give you a quick background on the situation.
Short but sweet: Mike is an alcoholic. I know, I know, You are wondering what the hell are you doing with him?? Sometimes I ask myself the same question.
It started out with just hanging out. I thought he was a nice person. I knew he had issues then but I guess I never thought what we had would grow or turn in to something. I thought it was just going to be fast lived so what did I care what he did. If he wanted to be pickled so be it.
To my surprise it grew into something more. I liked the person I saw inside but I still didn’t like what he was doing and as time went on it bothered me more because I started caring more and more for him. You could say I was being selfish too. I wanted what we had to continue to grow and become better and I knew it wouldn’t last if he continued to drink.
Okay, back to Friday night. We had discussed this problem prior and I told him I just couldn’t handle watching him do this to himself anymore and I shouldn’t have to so I would be willing to compromise for now. When I am with him he is not to drink. I feel that was a fair deal. And if he felt he would rather drink then I would leave.
Well it wasn’t so simple. There was one excuse or another for him to have a beer. First it was the “I just opened it” (This was just prior to me arriving) then it was the “I will drink it real slow” And my favorite one – “I haven’t had that many tonight. (I’ve only had 3 or 4) I just woke up a little while ago”
All supposed “Good” reasons in his mind. Who was he trying to convince – Me or himself? I did end up giving in slightly as he agreed to just drink one and that would be it until he was done and went to get another. Arguing that he took it slow – “It took him a Whole Hour to drink that beer!”
This time I was in tears I was already hating myself and he was just making it worst. He did end up dumping the beer.
As we sat and watched a movie about an hour went by and I could tell he wasn’t doing so well. I’m really not that bad of a person. I am willing to give a bit and work with you, but you need to work with me too and not take advantage or what I offer. Unfortunately with Mike You give him an inch and he takes a mile. I gave him a little rope (some slack) and he just hung himself with it.
Since I could tell he wasn’t doing that well I told him he could have a beer if he took it slow and made it last through the rest of the movie. But just one beer! Well we all know how that turned out……..he argued for another.
This went on all night and then in the morning when we got up it started all over again. He wasn’t understanding me or getting how this is really affecting me. I know it isn’t easy but he can’t even go a half hour without popping open a beer.
Seriously, I was about to give up. I was fighting that feeling, that urge to just throw in the towel. I was tired, exhausted both mentally and physically. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to! I can’t make him stop. Especially if he doesn’t want to.
I was having a mental break down. Not a complete breakdown but pretty damn close. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn’t want to – not in front of Mike. But I couldn’t help it. At that exact point and time I didn’t want to be there or with him. I didn’t want to be breathing. I just wanted to die. I wanted him to take his sword and just sink it into my chest and through my heart. PLEASE make the pain stop! I could feel my heart shattering into a million different pieces and I couldn’t do a single thing about it. I wanted that feeling of my whole world crumbling down around me and having no control of it to end.
After going through hell for two days I think we had a small break through. Short lived as it might be I’m hoping for the best. I visited might at work Late Saturday night into Sunday morning. I didn’t have to go see him but I know it makes him feel better and he is always happy when he sees me. So I did it more for him than me. Pleasantly surprised, he gave me a kiss and hug and told me that he would not drink in front of me anymore and apologized.
After his shift we went back to his place played a game of scrabble and he didn’t drink. He popped a seltzer water. I still don’t think he realizes how extremely happy that made me.
Will he really change? How long with it last??? I can’t say. All I know is that I have that much faith in him to know if he really wants to he can and will do it. And for the sake of our relationship I hope he does.
All I did was cry, get upset, cry some more, argue, cry a bit more, get depressed and cry even more. I think you get the picture.
It started Friday night when I was to head up to Mike’s place. We had talked earlier and I thought we were on the same page but come to find out we weren’t even close.
Let me give you a quick background on the situation.
Short but sweet: Mike is an alcoholic. I know, I know, You are wondering what the hell are you doing with him?? Sometimes I ask myself the same question.
It started out with just hanging out. I thought he was a nice person. I knew he had issues then but I guess I never thought what we had would grow or turn in to something. I thought it was just going to be fast lived so what did I care what he did. If he wanted to be pickled so be it.
To my surprise it grew into something more. I liked the person I saw inside but I still didn’t like what he was doing and as time went on it bothered me more because I started caring more and more for him. You could say I was being selfish too. I wanted what we had to continue to grow and become better and I knew it wouldn’t last if he continued to drink.
Okay, back to Friday night. We had discussed this problem prior and I told him I just couldn’t handle watching him do this to himself anymore and I shouldn’t have to so I would be willing to compromise for now. When I am with him he is not to drink. I feel that was a fair deal. And if he felt he would rather drink then I would leave.
Well it wasn’t so simple. There was one excuse or another for him to have a beer. First it was the “I just opened it” (This was just prior to me arriving) then it was the “I will drink it real slow” And my favorite one – “I haven’t had that many tonight. (I’ve only had 3 or 4) I just woke up a little while ago”
All supposed “Good” reasons in his mind. Who was he trying to convince – Me or himself? I did end up giving in slightly as he agreed to just drink one and that would be it until he was done and went to get another. Arguing that he took it slow – “It took him a Whole Hour to drink that beer!”
This time I was in tears I was already hating myself and he was just making it worst. He did end up dumping the beer.
As we sat and watched a movie about an hour went by and I could tell he wasn’t doing so well. I’m really not that bad of a person. I am willing to give a bit and work with you, but you need to work with me too and not take advantage or what I offer. Unfortunately with Mike You give him an inch and he takes a mile. I gave him a little rope (some slack) and he just hung himself with it.
Since I could tell he wasn’t doing that well I told him he could have a beer if he took it slow and made it last through the rest of the movie. But just one beer! Well we all know how that turned out……..he argued for another.
This went on all night and then in the morning when we got up it started all over again. He wasn’t understanding me or getting how this is really affecting me. I know it isn’t easy but he can’t even go a half hour without popping open a beer.
Seriously, I was about to give up. I was fighting that feeling, that urge to just throw in the towel. I was tired, exhausted both mentally and physically. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to! I can’t make him stop. Especially if he doesn’t want to.
I was having a mental break down. Not a complete breakdown but pretty damn close. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn’t want to – not in front of Mike. But I couldn’t help it. At that exact point and time I didn’t want to be there or with him. I didn’t want to be breathing. I just wanted to die. I wanted him to take his sword and just sink it into my chest and through my heart. PLEASE make the pain stop! I could feel my heart shattering into a million different pieces and I couldn’t do a single thing about it. I wanted that feeling of my whole world crumbling down around me and having no control of it to end.
After going through hell for two days I think we had a small break through. Short lived as it might be I’m hoping for the best. I visited might at work Late Saturday night into Sunday morning. I didn’t have to go see him but I know it makes him feel better and he is always happy when he sees me. So I did it more for him than me. Pleasantly surprised, he gave me a kiss and hug and told me that he would not drink in front of me anymore and apologized.
After his shift we went back to his place played a game of scrabble and he didn’t drink. He popped a seltzer water. I still don’t think he realizes how extremely happy that made me.
Will he really change? How long with it last??? I can’t say. All I know is that I have that much faith in him to know if he really wants to he can and will do it. And for the sake of our relationship I hope he does.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Cokey Gallieli
My definition of stress
STRESS - That confusion created when ones mind overrides the bodies basic desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot asshole who desperately requires it!
I work in a subscriptions office. Kind of easy and simple right??? Oh Hell NO!
You really need to be multi-talented. Because you are required to be doing at least 3 things at all times but they push you to be doing 10 things.
I get this call for this customer about 3 this afternoon. I can sense in his voice that this was going to be one of those calls. He was a ticking time bomb.
He started going off about something for like 10 minutes before getting to the point that the paper he was receiving was coming under a wrong name.
Calmly I asked him what paper he is receiving and managed to guide him into telling me the label number on the label so I could see what the hell he was talking about.
Now mind you he was still going off on me. He mentioned how he is from New Jersey and someone was playing a joke on him. His accent was like the Brooklyn New York type accent. Oh, did I mention he was Italian. Yeah, exactly, can you picture it now!!
I bring his information up on my screen and read it to him. I admit the first name did sound oddly funny but I have heard of all sorts of strangely odd names through my work. So his label read as follows:
Cokey Gallieli
Snorting Snow Removal
Berkeley Heights NJ
(Not all info is given for obvious reasons )
He continued to mention about getting a lawyer and all this other bullshit like dude you think you are scaring me????? NOT
If anything you are pushing my buttons and now I'm about to blow!
But I manage to keep my composure. I apologized that his paper was sent out with that information and said I can change the information or cancel the subscription and continues to go off on me about not wanting the paper and how he can't believe how this company can allow something like this to be sent out Bla Bla Bla....
Look Ass....What Do You Want Me To Do About it??!!! It's Done - Over With.
Now Get over it!!!
Then he asked me for my name....I think not!
Since there was no reasoning with him - no calming him down.
I just wanted to go off on him. I wanted to say, "Hey look deal with it. Have something to feel guilty about??? I have enough problems of my own I don't want to hear your bullshit!"
But I didn't I just hung up on him.
STRESS - That confusion created when ones mind overrides the bodies basic desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot asshole who desperately requires it!
I work in a subscriptions office. Kind of easy and simple right??? Oh Hell NO!
You really need to be multi-talented. Because you are required to be doing at least 3 things at all times but they push you to be doing 10 things.
I get this call for this customer about 3 this afternoon. I can sense in his voice that this was going to be one of those calls. He was a ticking time bomb.
He started going off about something for like 10 minutes before getting to the point that the paper he was receiving was coming under a wrong name.
Calmly I asked him what paper he is receiving and managed to guide him into telling me the label number on the label so I could see what the hell he was talking about.
Now mind you he was still going off on me. He mentioned how he is from New Jersey and someone was playing a joke on him. His accent was like the Brooklyn New York type accent. Oh, did I mention he was Italian. Yeah, exactly, can you picture it now!!
I bring his information up on my screen and read it to him. I admit the first name did sound oddly funny but I have heard of all sorts of strangely odd names through my work. So his label read as follows:
Cokey Gallieli
Snorting Snow Removal
Berkeley Heights NJ
(Not all info is given for obvious reasons )
He continued to mention about getting a lawyer and all this other bullshit like dude you think you are scaring me????? NOT
If anything you are pushing my buttons and now I'm about to blow!
But I manage to keep my composure. I apologized that his paper was sent out with that information and said I can change the information or cancel the subscription and continues to go off on me about not wanting the paper and how he can't believe how this company can allow something like this to be sent out Bla Bla Bla....
Look Ass....What Do You Want Me To Do About it??!!! It's Done - Over With.
Now Get over it!!!
Then he asked me for my name....I think not!
Since there was no reasoning with him - no calming him down.
I just wanted to go off on him. I wanted to say, "Hey look deal with it. Have something to feel guilty about??? I have enough problems of my own I don't want to hear your bullshit!"
But I didn't I just hung up on him.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
About Me
I've been kind of down lately. Fighting this depression, this urge to just give up, to pull the covers up over my head and not get out of bed.
This feeling of dread, of not wanting to deal with the day, the people, the every day bullshit.
I'm not sure why I've been feeling like this........... No, that's a lie.
I do know or at least have some kind of inkling of why I feeling this way.
I've often wondered when someone say they don't know why they feel of think a certain way, why it is they don't know. It's not that they don't know, because they do know. They just don't want to say either because they want to deal with it on their own or they are trying to spare someone's feelings.
{Digressing again} Anyway back to me.
There isn't just one reason why I am feeling the way I am. There are multiple reasons. Some are simple some are a bit more complicated.
I tend to be a controller. I like having some kind of control over where my life is heading. And lately I don't feel like I do have any control over what is happening or where I am heading. I feel like I'm floundering and I HATE that feeling.
Then there is the season change. Silly as it sounds. I hate the winter. It's cold and you can't do much of anything. Always stuck in the house. I love the sunshine, warm weather, being outside.
So that gets me down.
My personal life is kind of a mess. One minute it's going well the next it seems like it is falling apart.
I was told once that I would never be happy. Never satisfied no matter what. That what I wanted doesn't exist. That I live in a dream for wanting what I want.
Maybe that is all true. But I can't helping feeling and wanting what I want. Is that so wrong of me?
Is it wrong of me to not to want to settle for anything less?
I did try to settle. I settled for something safer and predictable and it ended up in a disaster.
Yes, I admit. I need to seek professional help. I have many issues.
It is very important for me to feel needed and wanted and special. So that is the one thing I seek in a relationship.
I also like to be kept on my toes. I like adventure and spontaneity. I do tend to get bored easily.
{Take this test for spontaneity: http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/spontaneity.html}
I need to keep that spark in a relationship. I am always willing to work on it but I can't do it alone.
I guess I just have an idea of how a relationship should be and thats what I want. Realistic or not.
But as for other things that are getting me down there are plenty: money, work, holidays etc
But I'm running out of time now so I have to end this hear.
I sound to rational (LOL)
This feeling of dread, of not wanting to deal with the day, the people, the every day bullshit.
I'm not sure why I've been feeling like this........... No, that's a lie.
I do know or at least have some kind of inkling of why I feeling this way.
I've often wondered when someone say they don't know why they feel of think a certain way, why it is they don't know. It's not that they don't know, because they do know. They just don't want to say either because they want to deal with it on their own or they are trying to spare someone's feelings.
{Digressing again} Anyway back to me.
There isn't just one reason why I am feeling the way I am. There are multiple reasons. Some are simple some are a bit more complicated.
I tend to be a controller. I like having some kind of control over where my life is heading. And lately I don't feel like I do have any control over what is happening or where I am heading. I feel like I'm floundering and I HATE that feeling.
Then there is the season change. Silly as it sounds. I hate the winter. It's cold and you can't do much of anything. Always stuck in the house. I love the sunshine, warm weather, being outside.
So that gets me down.
My personal life is kind of a mess. One minute it's going well the next it seems like it is falling apart.
I was told once that I would never be happy. Never satisfied no matter what. That what I wanted doesn't exist. That I live in a dream for wanting what I want.
Maybe that is all true. But I can't helping feeling and wanting what I want. Is that so wrong of me?
Is it wrong of me to not to want to settle for anything less?
I did try to settle. I settled for something safer and predictable and it ended up in a disaster.
Yes, I admit. I need to seek professional help. I have many issues.
It is very important for me to feel needed and wanted and special. So that is the one thing I seek in a relationship.
I also like to be kept on my toes. I like adventure and spontaneity. I do tend to get bored easily.
{Take this test for spontaneity: http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/spontaneity.html}
I need to keep that spark in a relationship. I am always willing to work on it but I can't do it alone.
I guess I just have an idea of how a relationship should be and thats what I want. Realistic or not.
But as for other things that are getting me down there are plenty: money, work, holidays etc
But I'm running out of time now so I have to end this hear.
I sound to rational (LOL)
Some Hearts
The last few days I've been in a better mood than I have been in a while.
I haven't heard this song in months and I just happened to hear it playing and it brought back to many feelings and memories.
Some Hearts
- Carrie Underwood
I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
I wake up feeling like my life's worth living
Can't recall when I last felt that way
Guess it must be all this love you're giving
Never knew never knew it could be like this
But I guess
Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Now who'd have thought someone like you could love me
You're the last thing my heart expected
Who'd have thought I'd ever find somebody
Someone who someone who makes me feel like this
Well I guess
Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Even hearts like mine
Get lucky, lucky sometimes
Monday, November 06, 2006
The Weekend
Well it was a long weekend! Yet it feels so short!
The weather is getting crappy, there is no where to really go and nothing to really do. And without money it makes it even more difficult.
Mike nd I were suppose to go to the movies Friday night but I was extremely tired and Mike didn't have a lot of money so we decided to postone it fo another week.
I know full moon was this weekend so that is probably what was causing the riff between us (Amongst other things).
We really didn't fight so I can't call it that. So needless to say Friday night I was highly upset with him. But Saturday was much better. It started a bit rocky.
I tend to get bored easily and just sitting there constantly I go stir crazy. Especially this time of year when I know that soon I will be trapped inside all the time.
But we ended up playing a board game (Othello). It's Mike's favorite game and I really enjoy playing it too. Haven't played it in a while.
I gave Mike a run for his money. Which I think I took him by surprise, Since I won. Maybe he thinks I'm really dumb.
But I like to play games that makes you think and strategize.
Sunday We also played Uno, and other game of Othello (which he won), and I just asked him questions from 90 Trivial Pursuit.
That was the best part of the weekend was spending time with him. Talking and playing board games.
The weather is getting crappy, there is no where to really go and nothing to really do. And without money it makes it even more difficult.
Mike nd I were suppose to go to the movies Friday night but I was extremely tired and Mike didn't have a lot of money so we decided to postone it fo another week.
I know full moon was this weekend so that is probably what was causing the riff between us (Amongst other things).
We really didn't fight so I can't call it that. So needless to say Friday night I was highly upset with him. But Saturday was much better. It started a bit rocky.
I tend to get bored easily and just sitting there constantly I go stir crazy. Especially this time of year when I know that soon I will be trapped inside all the time.
But we ended up playing a board game (Othello). It's Mike's favorite game and I really enjoy playing it too. Haven't played it in a while.
I gave Mike a run for his money. Which I think I took him by surprise, Since I won. Maybe he thinks I'm really dumb.
But I like to play games that makes you think and strategize.
Sunday We also played Uno, and other game of Othello (which he won), and I just asked him questions from 90 Trivial Pursuit.
That was the best part of the weekend was spending time with him. Talking and playing board games.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Call Me When You're Sober
Today's Song Pick
Call Me When You're Sober
- Evanescence
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Couldn't take the blame
Sick with shame
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated
No wonder you're jaded
You can't play the victim this time
And you're too late
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
You never call me when you're sober
You only want it cause it's over
It's over
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me
Just get your things
I've made up your mind
Call Me When You're Sober
- Evanescence
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Couldn't take the blame
Sick with shame
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated
No wonder you're jaded
You can't play the victim this time
And you're too late
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
You never call me when you're sober
You only want it cause it's over
It's over
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me
Just get your things
I've made up your mind
First Snow Fall
Peeling myself out of my warm cozy bed this morning, wearily I stumbled my way to the bathroom.
Sleepy eyed I turned on the light and tried to encourage myself that today was going to be a good day so WAKE UP!
What encouragement! I turned the show on, testing to make sure the water wasn't cold or scalding. And as I was just about to step into the shower I glanced out the window and low and behold there it was.
The First Snow of the Season!
My first reaction was...."Holy Crap!" then a quick....."Uuuugggghhhhh, Yuck!"
I went about my business getting ready for work. Feeding the cats and dog and trying to prep myself for the day ahead.
I found myself unconsiously in a good mood as I was curling my hair, at the bathroom sink. Before I even knew it or could control it I was humming a familiar tune (which is way too early to be singing) but I was singing "Let it Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow" In a cheerful voice with a smile on my face.
OK let's not ruin my mood!
Sleepy eyed I turned on the light and tried to encourage myself that today was going to be a good day so WAKE UP!
What encouragement! I turned the show on, testing to make sure the water wasn't cold or scalding. And as I was just about to step into the shower I glanced out the window and low and behold there it was.
The First Snow of the Season!
My first reaction was...."Holy Crap!" then a quick....."Uuuugggghhhhh, Yuck!"
I went about my business getting ready for work. Feeding the cats and dog and trying to prep myself for the day ahead.
I found myself unconsiously in a good mood as I was curling my hair, at the bathroom sink. Before I even knew it or could control it I was humming a familiar tune (which is way too early to be singing) but I was singing "Let it Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow" In a cheerful voice with a smile on my face.
OK let's not ruin my mood!
To Trust or Not To Trust...That Is the Question
Trust is very hard to build and accomplish but so easy to tear apart.
Especially when you have been hurt and deceived before.
If you go through life never trusting anyone or at least giving that person a chance, you end up lonely, always keeping people at arms length.
If you go to the opposite extreme and you are overly trusting you could be hurt, used, made of fool of.
So, what do you do?
Take me for instance. I like to think I give people a fair chance. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. You are honest (to an extent), truthful, you are not playing me for a fool. But that doesn't mean I'm trusting 100%.
I'm giving you that chance .... I'm sitting back and watching, hoping you don't prove me wrong.
But when thing don't add up or I catch you in a lie, when you tell me one thing and keep changing your story you loose that trust and it is almost impossible to get back.
How do you know when someone is telling you the truth? When they are being honest?
How do you know if the person is flat out lying to you? Trying to play you for a fool?
All I know is that it isn't easy and it gets harder and harder every day. Especially with those you care a lot
Especially when you have been hurt and deceived before.
If you go through life never trusting anyone or at least giving that person a chance, you end up lonely, always keeping people at arms length.
If you go to the opposite extreme and you are overly trusting you could be hurt, used, made of fool of.
So, what do you do?
Take me for instance. I like to think I give people a fair chance. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. You are honest (to an extent), truthful, you are not playing me for a fool. But that doesn't mean I'm trusting 100%.
I'm giving you that chance .... I'm sitting back and watching, hoping you don't prove me wrong.
But when thing don't add up or I catch you in a lie, when you tell me one thing and keep changing your story you loose that trust and it is almost impossible to get back.
How do you know when someone is telling you the truth? When they are being honest?
How do you know if the person is flat out lying to you? Trying to play you for a fool?
All I know is that it isn't easy and it gets harder and harder every day. Especially with those you care a lot
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
What To Do??
I'm really debating on whether I should write this blog.
Because I know eventually he will read it and I don't want him taking things the wrong way. I don't want to hurt his feeling or for him to get really down on himself. But I guess I just have to get this out.
The other day I get a call around 3 am from Mike. He sounded all down and depressed again. So I talked to him. I was really missing him anyways and thought maybe I would go to see him earlier but he was very tired and slept most of the night.
But we got talking and I thought it was a good talk, somehow it evolved into wanting to see each other and he asked me to come up to see him with some sexual undertones in the conversation.
I had agreed. and quickly got my things together and headed to his house.
Only to be majorly surprised and highly disappointed.
I thought he was down and depressed and was missing me just because he missed me. Come to find out the reason why he was so down and depressed was because he was overly drunk. I mean to a point where he couldn't set still without swaying or stand without swaying.
He reeked of beer and just his facial expressions looked "Sloshed"
I wasn't mad I was upset.
I was upset because it was the beer that made him miss me. The "beer" that made him down and drepressed. I don't mean just one or two I mean a whole 12 pack.
Of course th at made me feel like shit. Like he doens't want me. I mean relaly want me unless he's been drinking.
I know he will say not that isn'y true. But it is how it makes me feel.
Maybe it is me. What is wrong with me that makes him want to drink so much? That he wouldn't rather be sober and enjoy what we have?
I can't help him and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I know he says he will change and wants to........ but he is dragging his feet. I'm afraind if he doesn't do this he won't be happy -- won't be happy with himself because he doesn't want to stop.
All I know is how it makes me feel. I wish I could just make him understand.
Because I know eventually he will read it and I don't want him taking things the wrong way. I don't want to hurt his feeling or for him to get really down on himself. But I guess I just have to get this out.
The other day I get a call around 3 am from Mike. He sounded all down and depressed again. So I talked to him. I was really missing him anyways and thought maybe I would go to see him earlier but he was very tired and slept most of the night.
But we got talking and I thought it was a good talk, somehow it evolved into wanting to see each other and he asked me to come up to see him with some sexual undertones in the conversation.
I had agreed. and quickly got my things together and headed to his house.
Only to be majorly surprised and highly disappointed.
I thought he was down and depressed and was missing me just because he missed me. Come to find out the reason why he was so down and depressed was because he was overly drunk. I mean to a point where he couldn't set still without swaying or stand without swaying.
He reeked of beer and just his facial expressions looked "Sloshed"
I wasn't mad I was upset.
I was upset because it was the beer that made him miss me. The "beer" that made him down and drepressed. I don't mean just one or two I mean a whole 12 pack.
Of course th at made me feel like shit. Like he doens't want me. I mean relaly want me unless he's been drinking.
I know he will say not that isn'y true. But it is how it makes me feel.
Maybe it is me. What is wrong with me that makes him want to drink so much? That he wouldn't rather be sober and enjoy what we have?
I can't help him and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I know he says he will change and wants to........ but he is dragging his feet. I'm afraind if he doesn't do this he won't be happy -- won't be happy with himself because he doesn't want to stop.
All I know is how it makes me feel. I wish I could just make him understand.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Trick Or Treat
Ghosts and Goblins, Witches Too........
Evil Lurking...... Waiting For You
All Hallows Eve - Mischief - Rituals - Spells Cast
TPing, Egging and whipped creamed or Shaving creamed vehicles.
Not much into it this year.
The dressing up in costumes.
Normally I'm home and hand out candy to all the little kiddies but I won't be there this year. So I saved some money.
I've had a few people ask what I'm dressing up as.
I just don't seem to be in it but I have thought of a few ideas which I could pull off in a humorous way I suppose:
I can tape a buck ($1.00) to each ear and say I'm a buccaneer (Buck 'N ear)
I can have a quarter and a hammer on hand and when asked what I am I can place the quarter down and pound it with the hammer and say I'm a quarter pounder.
Or if I can find one of my baby dolls, I can somehow strap it to my ass and say I'm a baby sitter!
AT work it's simple I wont be there so Im the invisible woman
Ahhhh... maybe next year I'll be more in the mood!
Happy Halloween!
Evil Lurking...... Waiting For You
All Hallows Eve - Mischief - Rituals - Spells Cast
TPing, Egging and whipped creamed or Shaving creamed vehicles.
Not much into it this year.
The dressing up in costumes.
Normally I'm home and hand out candy to all the little kiddies but I won't be there this year. So I saved some money.
I've had a few people ask what I'm dressing up as.
I just don't seem to be in it but I have thought of a few ideas which I could pull off in a humorous way I suppose:
I can tape a buck ($1.00) to each ear and say I'm a buccaneer (Buck 'N ear)
I can have a quarter and a hammer on hand and when asked what I am I can place the quarter down and pound it with the hammer and say I'm a quarter pounder.
Or if I can find one of my baby dolls, I can somehow strap it to my ass and say I'm a baby sitter!
AT work it's simple I wont be there so Im the invisible woman
Ahhhh... maybe next year I'll be more in the mood!
Happy Halloween!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
October 27, 2006
Today's Song Pick (Oldy but a Goody)
Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
- Meatloaf
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
there's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But -- there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad
cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
you'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no coupe de ville hiding at the bottom of a cracker jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
there's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
cause two out of three ain't bad
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
cause two out of three ain't bad
don't be sad
cause two out of three ain't bad
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
All About Nothing
Can you belive that it is already the end of October and we turn the clocks back 1 hour this weekend!!!
Funny how fast time goes by. When you stop and think of what you have been through in the last year.
Last year, at this time, I was going through some rough times.
My husband and I were in the process of seperating. I was conflicted at every turn. It was like he didn't want to move out but at the same time we couldn't work anything out. We needed the space.
Every time I was seeing someone or I went out on a date and he found out I would get this sarcastic attitude from him. Which made me NOT want to talk to him.
Now, here we are, a year later. We talk and hang out. We are still there for each other, But still living apart. (Seems to work better that way).
The other day we wer talking about this girl he had met on myspace and was meeting in person. A few days later when I talked to him he was telling me about her. That she was a nice person and was very pretty but was also telling me that he felt she was way out of his league and he probably wouldnt see her again. So I was being supportive and asking why he felt that way and that it could work he has to stop thinking that way.
And as our conversation was going on, I was thinking....Whatis wrong with this picture??? LOL
He's asking me why I wasnt up seeing my "boyfriend" and Im talking to him about seeing some other woman....strange - But true.
So we have come a long way.
He lets me come down and watch my shows that I have taped on the DVD and that come on certain nights and I cook supper and we do go out places (shopping, Eat, Movies). We are there for each other. We are and will alwasy be good friends.
I still love him and never want anything bad to happen to him. We just weren't meant to be together in that way I guess.
What I wanted and needed he just wasn't able or willing to give me. He was always happy with the same old status quo and I wasn't.
But we are both in a better place now.
Easily put - if you want to see what my life is like watch the movie "The Break up"
When I saw it I thought I was looking at my life. Right down to the end.
So, to wrap this up. The last year and a half of my life has been crazy. A lot of changes, ups and downs. But here I am stronger.
Can't wait to see what happens and where I will be a year from now.
So until then........... Live Life With No Regrets!
Funny how fast time goes by. When you stop and think of what you have been through in the last year.
Last year, at this time, I was going through some rough times.
My husband and I were in the process of seperating. I was conflicted at every turn. It was like he didn't want to move out but at the same time we couldn't work anything out. We needed the space.
Every time I was seeing someone or I went out on a date and he found out I would get this sarcastic attitude from him. Which made me NOT want to talk to him.
Now, here we are, a year later. We talk and hang out. We are still there for each other, But still living apart. (Seems to work better that way).
The other day we wer talking about this girl he had met on myspace and was meeting in person. A few days later when I talked to him he was telling me about her. That she was a nice person and was very pretty but was also telling me that he felt she was way out of his league and he probably wouldnt see her again. So I was being supportive and asking why he felt that way and that it could work he has to stop thinking that way.
And as our conversation was going on, I was thinking....Whatis wrong with this picture??? LOL
He's asking me why I wasnt up seeing my "boyfriend" and Im talking to him about seeing some other woman....strange - But true.
So we have come a long way.
He lets me come down and watch my shows that I have taped on the DVD and that come on certain nights and I cook supper and we do go out places (shopping, Eat, Movies). We are there for each other. We are and will alwasy be good friends.
I still love him and never want anything bad to happen to him. We just weren't meant to be together in that way I guess.
What I wanted and needed he just wasn't able or willing to give me. He was always happy with the same old status quo and I wasn't.
But we are both in a better place now.
Easily put - if you want to see what my life is like watch the movie "The Break up"
When I saw it I thought I was looking at my life. Right down to the end.
So, to wrap this up. The last year and a half of my life has been crazy. A lot of changes, ups and downs. But here I am stronger.
Can't wait to see what happens and where I will be a year from now.
So until then........... Live Life With No Regrets!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Soul Mate
Have you ever just met that certain someone that you knew was your soul mate?
You might not have known him or her for very long but you just knew. There was this feeling, this chemistry -- something that you have never felt and can't explain. You clicked and everything that happened before this person never existed?
Now, I’m not talking about just being friends, cousins, brother/sister. You can feel a connection with friends and or relatives but this is someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life with -- a partner.
It's like you are connected to each other. Even though you are not together you still can sense when something is wrong. Come to find out days later that you were right.
Have you ever found your soul mate and because of uncontrollable circumstances you just couldn’t be together?
How do you over come that? How do you move on? How do you shake that feeling of incompleteness like something is missing?
I know you can love more than one person but this feeling is different. It is much stronger. It always seems to be there, no matter how much you run from it, hide from it, deny it. It always manages to creep back and strangle you.
Can you ever truly move on once you found and for whatever reason lost that soul mate?
Will it always be a struggle?
Will there always be that slight slimmer of sadness in your eye that is hidden so well no one can see or understand but you?
You might not have known him or her for very long but you just knew. There was this feeling, this chemistry -- something that you have never felt and can't explain. You clicked and everything that happened before this person never existed?
Now, I’m not talking about just being friends, cousins, brother/sister. You can feel a connection with friends and or relatives but this is someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life with -- a partner.
It's like you are connected to each other. Even though you are not together you still can sense when something is wrong. Come to find out days later that you were right.
Have you ever found your soul mate and because of uncontrollable circumstances you just couldn’t be together?
How do you over come that? How do you move on? How do you shake that feeling of incompleteness like something is missing?
I know you can love more than one person but this feeling is different. It is much stronger. It always seems to be there, no matter how much you run from it, hide from it, deny it. It always manages to creep back and strangle you.
Can you ever truly move on once you found and for whatever reason lost that soul mate?
Will it always be a struggle?
Will there always be that slight slimmer of sadness in your eye that is hidden so well no one can see or understand but you?
Monday, October 09, 2006
Song of the Week for October 9th
How to Save A Life
- The Fray
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
Check out the Song and Video here:
http://music.aol.com/artist/the-fray/710897/video?sem=1&ncid=AOLMUS00170000000009
- The Fray
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
Check out the Song and Video here:
http://music.aol.com/artist/the-fray/710897/video?sem=1&ncid=AOLMUS00170000000009
Nature Walk
Saturday was such a beautiful day that I told Mike I didn't want to be stuck in the house. I mentioned going outside and maybe talking a walk.
Since he has woods in the back of his house we decided to go for a little nature walk and enjoy the fall colors.
It was nice. You could hear the rustling of the leaves. As the sun shined through the tops of the trees, in certain spots you could feel the sun warming you as it played peek-a-boo with the tree tops.
As Mike reminisced, he pointed out all his childhood play spots. The big grape vine, that looked worn out from years of fruit bearing. The big stone fence that had been altered from years of erosion.
I found big stone to just sit and take it all in. I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly and deeply. I could hear the birds chirping and the rustling of the leaves as a soft gentle breeze sifted through the air. I could just smell fall. You know that smell of leaves and the hint of winter that is just around the corner.
We continued on and Mike was still rambling on about something. I was only half paying attention to him as I drank in the scenery, savoring every bit of it. He often babbles on and on which is one of quirks that makes me laugh from time to time. (He just ever shuts up!) But I was enjoying it – the company, the scenery, the day. It was what I needed.
Continuing through the woods, we ended up coming out at the Concordia Club. We saw a big boat so we wandered over to look at it. Still walking along the tree line we ended up at the small clearing that use to overlook a pond but has been dried up for a few years now. This is when Mike got the brilliant idea of taking me down by the river.
He looked for the trail that lead there and finally found it. As we traveled further into the woods the trail seemed to have gotten more overgrown (which wasn't a problem) until the ground started to get more wetter.
Now, didn't have hiking boots on or even an old pair of shoes. What I was wearing was my nice pair of suede boots. I mentioned to him more than once, that the grounds were starting to get muddy and I didn't have the proper shoes. He kept insisting on going forward. That if I walked in the middle of the trail it was so muddy ----- WRONG!
It was just as muddy and by the time we got half way to where he thought the trail lead it was all overgrown and no trail in sight. By this time I was highly upset. I could feel a huge lump in my throat from holding back the tears. He tried leading us back to wear we came from when we came across NO Trespassing signs.
At this point my feet are wet and my boots are all muddy, I’m all hot and flustered and now all I could think of was some crazy guy coming out with a gun and shooting me because I was on his land. What made it even more upsetting is that I was basically walking by myself. Mike was so far ahead of me that there was a few times I almost lost sight of him.
I had all these thoughts and emotions running through my mind at this point. I’m wondering why I’m even bothering. This isn’t how I want to spend the rest of my life. And I don’t see where it is ever going to change.
I want to be the one to be taken care of, not have to be the maid, the mom to a 35 year old. And that is how I have been feeling. There is always some excuse or some interruption and it breaks my heart. I mean he doesn’t even drive. That puts a lot of pressure and ware and tear on me. I know he says he is trying. And he does. But just enough to say he is trying. I’ve been through this once already and I don’t want to go there again.
We finally made it through the woods and back to Concordia Club. I told him I had to sit down for a bit. So we found a nice sunny spot in the grass to sit. He had tried to pick some flowers for me (Which I did think was sweet) but I was so upset I didn’t even want to look at him. You know how you are so mad or upset you say things you don’t mean ….. I didn’t want to do that. So I thought it be best I just don’t say anything until I calmed down. Besides all I wanted to do was cry and I didn’t want him to see that either.
I know he felt bad which made me feel even worst because I know he was trying and I did have a wonderful time other that that one small little point of the whole hike. I just needed a little time to get over it. Once I calmed down I felt better. And he did end up making up for it.
OK, next time …… I Got My Rubber Boots…… Lets Go Hiking!
Since he has woods in the back of his house we decided to go for a little nature walk and enjoy the fall colors.
It was nice. You could hear the rustling of the leaves. As the sun shined through the tops of the trees, in certain spots you could feel the sun warming you as it played peek-a-boo with the tree tops.
As Mike reminisced, he pointed out all his childhood play spots. The big grape vine, that looked worn out from years of fruit bearing. The big stone fence that had been altered from years of erosion.
I found big stone to just sit and take it all in. I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly and deeply. I could hear the birds chirping and the rustling of the leaves as a soft gentle breeze sifted through the air. I could just smell fall. You know that smell of leaves and the hint of winter that is just around the corner.
We continued on and Mike was still rambling on about something. I was only half paying attention to him as I drank in the scenery, savoring every bit of it. He often babbles on and on which is one of quirks that makes me laugh from time to time. (He just ever shuts up!) But I was enjoying it – the company, the scenery, the day. It was what I needed.
Continuing through the woods, we ended up coming out at the Concordia Club. We saw a big boat so we wandered over to look at it. Still walking along the tree line we ended up at the small clearing that use to overlook a pond but has been dried up for a few years now. This is when Mike got the brilliant idea of taking me down by the river.
He looked for the trail that lead there and finally found it. As we traveled further into the woods the trail seemed to have gotten more overgrown (which wasn't a problem) until the ground started to get more wetter.
Now, didn't have hiking boots on or even an old pair of shoes. What I was wearing was my nice pair of suede boots. I mentioned to him more than once, that the grounds were starting to get muddy and I didn't have the proper shoes. He kept insisting on going forward. That if I walked in the middle of the trail it was so muddy ----- WRONG!
It was just as muddy and by the time we got half way to where he thought the trail lead it was all overgrown and no trail in sight. By this time I was highly upset. I could feel a huge lump in my throat from holding back the tears. He tried leading us back to wear we came from when we came across NO Trespassing signs.
At this point my feet are wet and my boots are all muddy, I’m all hot and flustered and now all I could think of was some crazy guy coming out with a gun and shooting me because I was on his land. What made it even more upsetting is that I was basically walking by myself. Mike was so far ahead of me that there was a few times I almost lost sight of him.
I had all these thoughts and emotions running through my mind at this point. I’m wondering why I’m even bothering. This isn’t how I want to spend the rest of my life. And I don’t see where it is ever going to change.
I want to be the one to be taken care of, not have to be the maid, the mom to a 35 year old. And that is how I have been feeling. There is always some excuse or some interruption and it breaks my heart. I mean he doesn’t even drive. That puts a lot of pressure and ware and tear on me. I know he says he is trying. And he does. But just enough to say he is trying. I’ve been through this once already and I don’t want to go there again.
We finally made it through the woods and back to Concordia Club. I told him I had to sit down for a bit. So we found a nice sunny spot in the grass to sit. He had tried to pick some flowers for me (Which I did think was sweet) but I was so upset I didn’t even want to look at him. You know how you are so mad or upset you say things you don’t mean ….. I didn’t want to do that. So I thought it be best I just don’t say anything until I calmed down. Besides all I wanted to do was cry and I didn’t want him to see that either.
I know he felt bad which made me feel even worst because I know he was trying and I did have a wonderful time other that that one small little point of the whole hike. I just needed a little time to get over it. Once I calmed down I felt better. And he did end up making up for it.
OK, next time …… I Got My Rubber Boots…… Lets Go Hiking!
Friday, October 06, 2006
State of Mind
Over the past year and a half my life has been pretty much like my own little soap opera.
For those of you who are close to me, you know what I'm talking about and all the details that come along with it. For those of you who don't know me or who are out of the loop in a quick nutshell: Men, relationships, conflicts, breakups, etc.
Things have been pretty calm lately which can only mean that something is brewing.
My mind and heart is constantly in conflict. Which is probably why I'm not getting much sleep.
I need to really get away, try to work things out and possibly think of "me" for a change and not everyone else. But I know that won't happen because that is not who I am.
So for now I just think and think and try to sort though things. I take everything in and file it and see how it all plays out.
I know I'm not making much sense right now. How can I -- I dont understand myself so I can't possibly think you could follow me.
Just bare with me. When I know then you will know too
For those of you who are close to me, you know what I'm talking about and all the details that come along with it. For those of you who don't know me or who are out of the loop in a quick nutshell: Men, relationships, conflicts, breakups, etc.
Things have been pretty calm lately which can only mean that something is brewing.
My mind and heart is constantly in conflict. Which is probably why I'm not getting much sleep.
I need to really get away, try to work things out and possibly think of "me" for a change and not everyone else. But I know that won't happen because that is not who I am.
So for now I just think and think and try to sort though things. I take everything in and file it and see how it all plays out.
I know I'm not making much sense right now. How can I -- I dont understand myself so I can't possibly think you could follow me.
Just bare with me. When I know then you will know too
Tracy's Song Pick of The Week
Missing You
- John Waite
Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And Im still standing here
And you're miles away
And Im wondering why you left
And theres a storm thats raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time
Thinking about you
And its almost driving me wild
And theres a heart thats breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I aint missing you at all
Since youve been gone Away
I aint missing you
No matter
What I might say
Theres a message
In the wild
And Im sending you
This signal tonight
You dont know
How desperate Ive become
And it looks like Im losing this fight
In your world
I have no meaning
Though Im trying hard
To understand
And its my heart thats breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I aint missing you at all
Since youve been gone Away
I aint missing you
No matter
What my friends say
And theres a message that Im sending out
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I cant bridge this distance
Stop this heartbreak overload
I aint missing you at all
Since youve been goneAway
I aint missing you
No matter
What my friends say
I aint missing you
I aint missing you
I keep lying to myself
Friday, September 29, 2006
Ugly Betty
Last night I watched a new show that is on ABC called “Ugly Betty”.
I was just watching it waiting for my most favorite show to come on (GreyÂ’s Anatomy). Ugly Betty had some funny moments in it, but as I sat on the couch watching it I realized, even though the character of Betty was mostly over exaggerated, it is very truthful as to how society perceives people and how they act towards them.
If you are not thin or beautiful they look down on you. You might not get that job or promotion you deserve, forget getting any special treatment or even acknowledged for that fact.
People tend not to be so helpful to those who are unattractive or shall we say not up to standard with the “ideal” or “dream” like standards.
Like being a size 2 will make you love anyone better than someone who is a size 18 – or even makes you any smarter or kinder. Lets face it the average size is a 14.
I have been in very similar situations like Ugly Betty. It is very hurtful. These people won’t even give you a chance because of the way you look not because of who you are. They are missing out – Big TimeJustybe…..just maybe, if they got to know you, just gave you that chance to know who you are inside, how you feel and what you think --- They would really like you. Maybe they would be attracted to you as a person and what you have to offer instead of what you look like on the outside that don’t make you the person you are.
For those of us who have truly been through this our whole lives and have experienced this heartache over and over again, we do tend to try a little harder to get that acceptance. Sometimes we go above and beyond what most people would do, or how most people would act, just because we want to be given that chance.
This can be good and bad at the same time. The good part being that given the chance we have all the love in the world to give. We tend to treat others as we would like to be treated and how we would love to feel. The bad part is that we get taken advantage of because of this. Because we are looking for that acceptance we are willing to please and that is a very easy target to take advantage of. It is a vicious cycle.
I tend to be very careful and protective of my inner-self because of that. I put on a strong and tough outside shell. Nothing bothers me, everything is just fine but that is so at all. IÂ’m hurting, IÂ’m sad, IÂ’m upset I just wonÂ’t allow myself to reveal that. Why is that? Because, people like to hang with happy people, fun people, not people who complain and bitch all the time.
I was just watching it waiting for my most favorite show to come on (GreyÂ’s Anatomy). Ugly Betty had some funny moments in it, but as I sat on the couch watching it I realized, even though the character of Betty was mostly over exaggerated, it is very truthful as to how society perceives people and how they act towards them.
If you are not thin or beautiful they look down on you. You might not get that job or promotion you deserve, forget getting any special treatment or even acknowledged for that fact.
People tend not to be so helpful to those who are unattractive or shall we say not up to standard with the “ideal” or “dream” like standards.
Like being a size 2 will make you love anyone better than someone who is a size 18 – or even makes you any smarter or kinder. Lets face it the average size is a 14.
I have been in very similar situations like Ugly Betty. It is very hurtful. These people won’t even give you a chance because of the way you look not because of who you are. They are missing out – Big TimeJustybe…..just maybe, if they got to know you, just gave you that chance to know who you are inside, how you feel and what you think --- They would really like you. Maybe they would be attracted to you as a person and what you have to offer instead of what you look like on the outside that don’t make you the person you are.
For those of us who have truly been through this our whole lives and have experienced this heartache over and over again, we do tend to try a little harder to get that acceptance. Sometimes we go above and beyond what most people would do, or how most people would act, just because we want to be given that chance.
This can be good and bad at the same time. The good part being that given the chance we have all the love in the world to give. We tend to treat others as we would like to be treated and how we would love to feel. The bad part is that we get taken advantage of because of this. Because we are looking for that acceptance we are willing to please and that is a very easy target to take advantage of. It is a vicious cycle.
I tend to be very careful and protective of my inner-self because of that. I put on a strong and tough outside shell. Nothing bothers me, everything is just fine but that is so at all. IÂ’m hurting, IÂ’m sad, IÂ’m upset I just wonÂ’t allow myself to reveal that. Why is that? Because, people like to hang with happy people, fun people, not people who complain and bitch all the time.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Friday....Wooo Whoooo
Last night Mike asked me to go out to eat with him and hang out.
Said we don't do enough together.
I thought that was very sweet. So hopefully he will hold true to what he says.
We'll see......... Until my next Blog
Said we don't do enough together.
I thought that was very sweet. So hopefully he will hold true to what he says.
We'll see......... Until my next Blog
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Song of the Week
HINDER
"Lips Of An Angel"
Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late
What Hurts The Most.......
Just recently, I had someone extremely special in my life just drop out and disappear. No good byes, no explaination, Nothing.
Even though we didn't see each other and talking to each other had dropped drastically just knowing he was still there if and when I needed him was somehow comforting.
When I found myself down and out and no one else was able to make me smile. When no one else, no matter how hard they'd try could reach me, he always seems to be able to bring me back from the point of no return.
And now that he is gone it scares me. What happens if and when I get that way again? How will I bounce back? What if no one will be able to reach me and help pull me back?
Not that I don't understand. Because I do. And if that is what he feels he must do then I will respect that and honor his wishes. It's is more the way he went about doing what he did. He was a real important part of my life and I thought I was the same to him. He always told me that if he had decided to stop talking to me he wouldn't just disappear on me. He would let me know first. And guess what??..... he didn't and that sucks.
Even though we didn't see each other and talking to each other had dropped drastically just knowing he was still there if and when I needed him was somehow comforting.
When I found myself down and out and no one else was able to make me smile. When no one else, no matter how hard they'd try could reach me, he always seems to be able to bring me back from the point of no return.
And now that he is gone it scares me. What happens if and when I get that way again? How will I bounce back? What if no one will be able to reach me and help pull me back?
Not that I don't understand. Because I do. And if that is what he feels he must do then I will respect that and honor his wishes. It's is more the way he went about doing what he did. He was a real important part of my life and I thought I was the same to him. He always told me that if he had decided to stop talking to me he wouldn't just disappear on me. He would let me know first. And guess what??..... he didn't and that sucks.
What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Wemple & Edicks
Sunday Mike and I went to the Wemple & Edicks Craft Fair.
It was a beautiful September day. A slight breeze kissed the air making the warm sunny September day very pleasant.
It was about two in the afternoon when we headed down tot he craft fair. Cars lined up on both sides of the road.
As we parked the car and walked over to the activities you counld hear the music and smell a bouqet of aromas fill the air.
You could smell the fried dough, popcorn, cotton candy and candy apples. Of course the apple cider and cider donuts lured you in.
Mike had to get his fried dough. So we walked over by the band and enjoyed the entertainment as I shared his fried dough.
He got all goofy and started to dance a little, which of course made me laugh. He even tried to get me to dance a bit to my reluctance, he did eventually got me to bump with him.
Then we walked around to the different vendors and checked out al the handmade crafts.
As we worked our way around to the beginning again, he got his decafe coffee and I went to get a half dozen cider donuts. Realizing afterwards the I was given a dozen donuts but still paid the half dozen price.
We walked up to Wemple & Edicks to get a cone. As usually there was a long line. So we were able to look around the store. Of course as in any line at a store they have the candy and all the little goodies that attract the childrens attention. I got this loud burst of "Oooh ooohh Ooohhhh!!!" from Mike. He was babbling something about wanting to get some kind of Bertie Bott's Jelly Beans. And he was practically begging me on hands and knees for me to buy them for him and he would pay me back.
I'm like what are you talking about????
Bertie Bott's Jelly Beans -- you know Harry Potter - the different flavors: Vomit, Bacon, Ear Wax, Grass, Booger etc...
Oy Vay! He is worst than a kid!
But a spoiled one at that! I got them for him.
He was acting all excited calling out all the candies that was on the counter that he liked: Tootsi Rolls, Button Candies etc.
I just rolled my eyes and laughed. (He is such a kid!)
So we get up the the counter and order our cones. He got maple walnut and I got chocolate. I paid at the cashier and off we went
It was a very pleasant day.
It was a beautiful September day. A slight breeze kissed the air making the warm sunny September day very pleasant.
It was about two in the afternoon when we headed down tot he craft fair. Cars lined up on both sides of the road.
As we parked the car and walked over to the activities you counld hear the music and smell a bouqet of aromas fill the air.
You could smell the fried dough, popcorn, cotton candy and candy apples. Of course the apple cider and cider donuts lured you in.
Mike had to get his fried dough. So we walked over by the band and enjoyed the entertainment as I shared his fried dough.
He got all goofy and started to dance a little, which of course made me laugh. He even tried to get me to dance a bit to my reluctance, he did eventually got me to bump with him.
Then we walked around to the different vendors and checked out al the handmade crafts.
As we worked our way around to the beginning again, he got his decafe coffee and I went to get a half dozen cider donuts. Realizing afterwards the I was given a dozen donuts but still paid the half dozen price.
We walked up to Wemple & Edicks to get a cone. As usually there was a long line. So we were able to look around the store. Of course as in any line at a store they have the candy and all the little goodies that attract the childrens attention. I got this loud burst of "Oooh ooohh Ooohhhh!!!" from Mike. He was babbling something about wanting to get some kind of Bertie Bott's Jelly Beans. And he was practically begging me on hands and knees for me to buy them for him and he would pay me back.
I'm like what are you talking about????
Bertie Bott's Jelly Beans -- you know Harry Potter - the different flavors: Vomit, Bacon, Ear Wax, Grass, Booger etc...
Oy Vay! He is worst than a kid!
But a spoiled one at that! I got them for him.
He was acting all excited calling out all the candies that was on the counter that he liked: Tootsi Rolls, Button Candies etc.
I just rolled my eyes and laughed. (He is such a kid!)
So we get up the the counter and order our cones. He got maple walnut and I got chocolate. I paid at the cashier and off we went
It was a very pleasant day.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Road Trip
It's not often that I actually go out of town with Mike and of all things, during daylight hours!!!
Saturday I picked him up at 7 am and we headed down to Albany.
He had training for work that he had to go to by 9 am.
I dropped him off and headed to Clifton Park. I was actually looking for the Home Depot but couldn't seem to find it so I stopped at Borders book store and got lost in all the wonderful reading materials at my disposal.
I can just spend hours upon hours there. I actually prefer Barns and Noble better.
I made my selections and checked out. As I'm entering my car I hear my VM go off which I figured was Mike letting me know he was done with training. (I'm sure he would love for me to let you all know he works for a "oil company") I'm not getting into that right now.
Heading back home we planned to grab something quick to eat and on our way got stuck in the most horrific traffic back up ever!
Inching little by little. it seemed we weren't moving at all at times. And not only that but I had to go to the bathroom in the worst way!
I thought my bladder was going to explode! Mike mentioned he had to go too but in a different way. So I told him to go run in the woods (I had some paper napkins in the glove compartment) and meet me at the other end. The pace of the traffic he would probably beat me!
So we gabbed a bit and as I happened to look over there was this truck with a Gigantic Hippo on it. Big Smiling Hippo! It was for Party Rentals.
It seemed to be following us for a while. We pretended to have a race with the hippo. First the hippo was ahead then we pulled a head....back and fourth for a while. The things we do to keep ourselves amused!
Saturday I picked him up at 7 am and we headed down to Albany.
He had training for work that he had to go to by 9 am.
I dropped him off and headed to Clifton Park. I was actually looking for the Home Depot but couldn't seem to find it so I stopped at Borders book store and got lost in all the wonderful reading materials at my disposal.
I can just spend hours upon hours there. I actually prefer Barns and Noble better.
I made my selections and checked out. As I'm entering my car I hear my VM go off which I figured was Mike letting me know he was done with training. (I'm sure he would love for me to let you all know he works for a "oil company") I'm not getting into that right now.
Heading back home we planned to grab something quick to eat and on our way got stuck in the most horrific traffic back up ever!
Inching little by little. it seemed we weren't moving at all at times. And not only that but I had to go to the bathroom in the worst way!
I thought my bladder was going to explode! Mike mentioned he had to go too but in a different way. So I told him to go run in the woods (I had some paper napkins in the glove compartment) and meet me at the other end. The pace of the traffic he would probably beat me!
So we gabbed a bit and as I happened to look over there was this truck with a Gigantic Hippo on it. Big Smiling Hippo! It was for Party Rentals.
It seemed to be following us for a while. We pretended to have a race with the hippo. First the hippo was ahead then we pulled a head....back and fourth for a while. The things we do to keep ourselves amused!
Friday, September 01, 2006
How Rude! Move It!
Lately my patience has been "Nil" - "None" - "Non-existing"
I'm not saying I'm perfect but some people are just plain oblivious about what is happening around them.
Like for instance when you are in a grocery store and you are going up and down the isle and you come across people talking to each other smack dab in the middle of the isle. You just stand their. Maybe clear your throat to let them know you are there, maybe even say excuse me. But they just stand there and continue to talk or just look at you as if you are disrupting their important conversation about How Aunt Nelly got a little tipsy at the family reunion and ass over tea kettle into the pond.
Funny as it may be ...... "I Don't Care" ---- Get Out Of My Way!
Last night (Thursday) was pay day for me. So I get out of work at 5 pm and headed to the bank. (No Lines for a change)
I need to get a prescription filled so I head next doors to Price Chopper and there is a small line of about 3 people at the Pharmacy. I sigh.... (Lack of patience) but I stand there in line. Seemed to move rather quickly until (And wouldn't you know it) the person in front of me.
It was a Price Chopper employee at that too! It took her less that 5 minutes to give the pharmacist her prescription but she flapped her lips for another 5-10 minutes. As I'm trying patiently to wait by the sign that says to waite for your turn there to protect the other persons privacy.
What privacy? All she is doing is yacking about something that has nothing to do with any kind of medical problem (Mono, aids, syphilis, Crabs etc)
By now I'm starting to tap my foot getting antsier. Shifting my weight front one foot to another mumbling under my breath -- "Come on, Come on, Other people have things to do, places to go."
Still nothing. I let out a big sigh. Start looking around and making those faces. You know what I mean (Rolling eyes, half crooked mouth, then that COME ON Look. You know where your eye kinda bulge out you stretch your neck a bit to emphasis the urgency as your hand makes gestures)
Yeah, you know what I mean.
They keep yapping and laughing. I creep forward a bit. I'm invading your space. Better hurry before I lose it completely!
Finally after about 10 minutes it's my turn.
I walk up to the window and she asks if how she can help me.....
UUggghhhh, where do I Start? But I just smile and tell her I need a prescription filled.
And of all things....It was for my high blood pressure
STRESS - That confusion created when ones mind overrides the bodies basic desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot asshole who desperately requires it!
I'm not saying I'm perfect but some people are just plain oblivious about what is happening around them.
Like for instance when you are in a grocery store and you are going up and down the isle and you come across people talking to each other smack dab in the middle of the isle. You just stand their. Maybe clear your throat to let them know you are there, maybe even say excuse me. But they just stand there and continue to talk or just look at you as if you are disrupting their important conversation about How Aunt Nelly got a little tipsy at the family reunion and ass over tea kettle into the pond.
Funny as it may be ...... "I Don't Care" ---- Get Out Of My Way!
Last night (Thursday) was pay day for me. So I get out of work at 5 pm and headed to the bank. (No Lines for a change)
I need to get a prescription filled so I head next doors to Price Chopper and there is a small line of about 3 people at the Pharmacy. I sigh.... (Lack of patience) but I stand there in line. Seemed to move rather quickly until (And wouldn't you know it) the person in front of me.
It was a Price Chopper employee at that too! It took her less that 5 minutes to give the pharmacist her prescription but she flapped her lips for another 5-10 minutes. As I'm trying patiently to wait by the sign that says to waite for your turn there to protect the other persons privacy.
What privacy? All she is doing is yacking about something that has nothing to do with any kind of medical problem (Mono, aids, syphilis, Crabs etc)
By now I'm starting to tap my foot getting antsier. Shifting my weight front one foot to another mumbling under my breath -- "Come on, Come on, Other people have things to do, places to go."
Still nothing. I let out a big sigh. Start looking around and making those faces. You know what I mean (Rolling eyes, half crooked mouth, then that COME ON Look. You know where your eye kinda bulge out you stretch your neck a bit to emphasis the urgency as your hand makes gestures)
Yeah, you know what I mean.
They keep yapping and laughing. I creep forward a bit. I'm invading your space. Better hurry before I lose it completely!
Finally after about 10 minutes it's my turn.
I walk up to the window and she asks if how she can help me.....
UUggghhhh, where do I Start? But I just smile and tell her I need a prescription filled.
And of all things....It was for my high blood pressure
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
STRESS - That confusion created when ones mind overrides the bodies basic desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot asshole who desperately requires it!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
The Hot Dog Story
This happened a few weeks ago. I had meant to write about it sooner but I had forgotten and moved on. But I was scanning my posts and saw a Draft of the Hot Dog story I never posted so here it is:
Mike had called me one night and was telling me of the day he had.
Said he just finished with supper and for him at this time of night it was late. It was about 7:30 going for 8 pm. They always have supper about 5 pm.
So of course I asked him what he had for supper and he said "Hot Dogs."
Now all these thoughts were running through my head: Hot Dogs? Why did it take you so long ot make or eat Hot Dogs? Maybe he was out and didnt get home until late and thats why they just finished with dinner.
Mike continues to tell me that he was to make supper (The Hot Dogs) on the grill (Because that is all he really cooks with is the grill) But that he had some trouble cooking the hot dogs.
?#@!!! What???! How can you have trouble cooking Hot Dogs?
He couldn't get the grill lighted!!! Said he was trying and trying but the damn thing wouldn't stay lit.
*** Ok Now, this is hot dogs we are talking about! Why didn't you just boil them on the stove top?? ***** I mean they were only Hot Dogs!
Weary of the answer I would get --- I asked him how long he tried getting the grill started ----- Of course, it can't be a short and to the point answer -- OH NO, Not From Mike! LOL
It was like 20 minutes worth of babble until he got to the point of telling me that he tried for like an hours and a half before his mom came and got the hot dogs and boiled them on the stove!
Oy Vay! {Smack my forehead with my hand}
Mike had called me one night and was telling me of the day he had.
Said he just finished with supper and for him at this time of night it was late. It was about 7:30 going for 8 pm. They always have supper about 5 pm.
So of course I asked him what he had for supper and he said "Hot Dogs."
Now all these thoughts were running through my head: Hot Dogs? Why did it take you so long ot make or eat Hot Dogs? Maybe he was out and didnt get home until late and thats why they just finished with dinner.
Mike continues to tell me that he was to make supper (The Hot Dogs) on the grill (Because that is all he really cooks with is the grill) But that he had some trouble cooking the hot dogs.
?#@!!! What???! How can you have trouble cooking Hot Dogs?
He couldn't get the grill lighted!!! Said he was trying and trying but the damn thing wouldn't stay lit.
*** Ok Now, this is hot dogs we are talking about! Why didn't you just boil them on the stove top?? ***** I mean they were only Hot Dogs!
Weary of the answer I would get --- I asked him how long he tried getting the grill started ----- Of course, it can't be a short and to the point answer -- OH NO, Not From Mike! LOL
It was like 20 minutes worth of babble until he got to the point of telling me that he tried for like an hours and a half before his mom came and got the hot dogs and boiled them on the stove!
Oy Vay! {Smack my forehead with my hand}
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Born To Be Wild........NOT
Last Friday night I went up to Mike's house. It was a nice night so I rode my bike up.
As I get there, Mike tells me he was about to leave to walk down to the store. Now, normally I would go with, but you don't know how he walks!!!
He walks like a bat out of hell!!
We walked once, a while ago, down to the store and it started out fine, but as we kept going I was being left in the dust. Of course we waited until the last minute and were racing against the clock (Closing time 10 pm) but still.
By the time I had reached the end of the road he had reached the stored and made his purchases and was heading back. I should have just turned
around when I lost site of him and started to head back. By the time I made it back to his house he would have caught up with me!
Anywho, this time I decided to stay at the house. It would only take him half hour and I could just chill.
But instead of just heading out he kept looking for someone to stop over to take him. MEN!
In the mean time, I told him if he wasn't to scared I could always take him on the back on my bike (Motorcycle for those of you who don't know I ride one). He, of course, hemmed and hawwed.
Such a Production! Most "Normal" people either say yes or no. Then all they do is grab a helmet, put it on and you are off.
Not Mike! Not in the least!
First it was trying to find a helmet. He went up stairs to see if he could find one of Ray's helmets to use (with Ray's previous permission). Then it was the BIG Fiasco with trying to find his damn backpack.
He needed to get his beer (God forbid). First he was like can't I hold it in front of me.
NOT -- Duh there wont be any room between us!
So we go searching through his house for this backpack. We find everything but the backpack!
Finally, I find something over in a corner that turned out to be a laptop case. It would work!
NOW ARE WE READY????!!!!
Heading out the door. I started the bike and put my helmet on as he is already starting to freak out! He isn't even on the bike yet and he is freaking!
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Duh, I have to turn the bike around. I didn't think you wanted to be on it while I try to turn it around!"
He is standing there with the helmet in his hands. So I told him to put it on -- LOL --- He didn't even have a clue.
Big Sigh. Come on! You don't even know how to put the helmet on??
So I had to help him put his helmet on.
The Bike is now turned around and ready to go. He has his helmet on and I told him to hop on. But he is freaking. Thinking the worst. I told him just don't squirm around and go along with whatever way I tend to lean.
I thought we were going to die!
He hops on the back and wraps his arms around me.
I'm like "Oh MY God! I Can't Breathe!"
Now the helmet he is wearing is DOT regulated. So it is legal, but it was a dirt bike helmet. On a dirt bike helmet there is a visor that sticks out.
Mike was holding on to me so tight that when he moved his head he kept hitting me with it.
And of course the damn road was all bumpy so each time we hit a bump the visor would hit the back of my head. Felt like a damn woodpecker back there...... Whack, Whack, Whack, Whack!
I couldn't help but laugh. Not only was he pecking at my head but he kept pushing it forward so I couldn't see. So I kept trying to push his head back and yelling at him to keep his head up and stop pushing on my head.
I kept telling him the whole way down that he was ok, stop worrying!
By the time we got to the store we were both laughing so hard my eyes were tearing up.
Of course now, he couldn't get the helmet off his head. So I had to help him with that too!
I turned the bike around while he is in the store and when he comes out I'm still laughing and of course, have to help him put the helmet back on.
Back up the road we go.
whack, whack, whack, WHACK!!!
That wasn't as back as him pushing my head so I couldn't see the road.
"Are you trying to Kill us??? Put your damn head back!!!" I yelled.
Finally get back to his house and as I pull into the driveway I told him "Get the Fuck Off My Bike!"
Oh My God! I've never met anyone who made such a production out of riding on the back on a motorcycle not even a mile down the road to the store and back!
LOL But it was Funny!
As I get there, Mike tells me he was about to leave to walk down to the store. Now, normally I would go with, but you don't know how he walks!!!
He walks like a bat out of hell!!
We walked once, a while ago, down to the store and it started out fine, but as we kept going I was being left in the dust. Of course we waited until the last minute and were racing against the clock (Closing time 10 pm) but still.
By the time I had reached the end of the road he had reached the stored and made his purchases and was heading back. I should have just turned
around when I lost site of him and started to head back. By the time I made it back to his house he would have caught up with me!
Anywho, this time I decided to stay at the house. It would only take him half hour and I could just chill.
But instead of just heading out he kept looking for someone to stop over to take him. MEN!
In the mean time, I told him if he wasn't to scared I could always take him on the back on my bike (Motorcycle for those of you who don't know I ride one). He, of course, hemmed and hawwed.
Such a Production! Most "Normal" people either say yes or no. Then all they do is grab a helmet, put it on and you are off.
Not Mike! Not in the least!
First it was trying to find a helmet. He went up stairs to see if he could find one of Ray's helmets to use (with Ray's previous permission). Then it was the BIG Fiasco with trying to find his damn backpack.
He needed to get his beer (God forbid). First he was like can't I hold it in front of me.
NOT -- Duh there wont be any room between us!
So we go searching through his house for this backpack. We find everything but the backpack!
Finally, I find something over in a corner that turned out to be a laptop case. It would work!
NOW ARE WE READY????!!!!
Heading out the door. I started the bike and put my helmet on as he is already starting to freak out! He isn't even on the bike yet and he is freaking!
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Duh, I have to turn the bike around. I didn't think you wanted to be on it while I try to turn it around!"
He is standing there with the helmet in his hands. So I told him to put it on -- LOL --- He didn't even have a clue.
Big Sigh. Come on! You don't even know how to put the helmet on??
So I had to help him put his helmet on.
The Bike is now turned around and ready to go. He has his helmet on and I told him to hop on. But he is freaking. Thinking the worst. I told him just don't squirm around and go along with whatever way I tend to lean.
I thought we were going to die!
He hops on the back and wraps his arms around me.
I'm like "Oh MY God! I Can't Breathe!"
Now the helmet he is wearing is DOT regulated. So it is legal, but it was a dirt bike helmet. On a dirt bike helmet there is a visor that sticks out.
Mike was holding on to me so tight that when he moved his head he kept hitting me with it.
And of course the damn road was all bumpy so each time we hit a bump the visor would hit the back of my head. Felt like a damn woodpecker back there...... Whack, Whack, Whack, Whack!
I couldn't help but laugh. Not only was he pecking at my head but he kept pushing it forward so I couldn't see. So I kept trying to push his head back and yelling at him to keep his head up and stop pushing on my head.
I kept telling him the whole way down that he was ok, stop worrying!
By the time we got to the store we were both laughing so hard my eyes were tearing up.
Of course now, he couldn't get the helmet off his head. So I had to help him with that too!
I turned the bike around while he is in the store and when he comes out I'm still laughing and of course, have to help him put the helmet back on.
Back up the road we go.
whack, whack, whack, WHACK!!!
That wasn't as back as him pushing my head so I couldn't see the road.
"Are you trying to Kill us??? Put your damn head back!!!" I yelled.
Finally get back to his house and as I pull into the driveway I told him "Get the Fuck Off My Bike!"
Oh My God! I've never met anyone who made such a production out of riding on the back on a motorcycle not even a mile down the road to the store and back!
LOL But it was Funny!
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